Daddy Issues (18+)

Chapter 27 • Your Hips And Lips

WARNING : This chapter includes sexual content.

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The warm water dripped down my skin, as I stood in the shower, my thoughts beginning to wander. Stephen had dropped me off a few hours ago and thank gosh my mother was home, because I still didn't want to be alone, then again I felt more alone then I ever did with her. I didn't mean it in a mean way, but when I'm around her I have to put on a bright face for her, because if I don't have a happy face then she'll ask me what's wrong and I'll have to lie and say nothing.

She'll believe it and for some reason it hurts that she believes it. I almost want her to know I'm not okay, that I'm not fine. But I don't want a big argument to happen like last time. I'll tell her that I'm not happy, then she'll go around throwing depression around as an insult to me. She doesn't think it's normal for me to be depressed and not want to get out of bed, but when it's her, it's more than normal. That's why when she found out about another coping mechanism she went crazy.

That was when Sammy and I drifted, because she was the reason my mother found out. She was worried about me, but it made me upset. It wasn't like I was anorexic or anything, I just didn't eat sometimes because I liked the feeling of hunger. But then sometimes I'd eat a lot and just go crazy. I felt like it was a good combination on both, but of course I ended up choosing not eating a lot more once my mother started to compliment my appearance because of how much weight I began dropping, which then I got use to the feeling of the aches because of not eating.. and I liked it.

Once my mother found out she wanted me eating healthy cause she thought it was my weight that was making me not eat. She never wanted to dig down to the deeper problem and maybe that was because she was scared. I stopped not eating, I'd still binge eat a lot though. I never thought of it as an eating disorder and I probably won't ever. Just like how I never thought of myself self harming. But I seriously don't think that my self harming is a problem. It's just cuts here and there.

But then again that's an excuse I'd use so I don't feel guilty for doing what I do to myself. Because if I really let it sink in I'll have a panic attack about how I can't stop and don't want to. I started up with the not eating though once Joaquin came back from college. I didn't mean to though. It just happened, my fear aloud me to not eat. There I go with the excuses.. but seriously when Joaquin walked into Sammy's room and came up behind me like that, scaring me like he didn't do what he did to me before he left.

He was an asshole and still is one and I texted that asshole last night. I felt guilty because of it once I got to thinking about it. I so badly have debated deleting his number today, but there's something weirdly not letting me. I washed out the conditioner and body soap off of me, before I turned the water off and got out. I wrapped the towel tightly around my bare body and sighed, glancing down at the two fresh cuts on my thighs. Relieved at the fact it stopped bleeding and I'm sure it was the waters fault.

The blood running down was something I liked, but mostly it was the calm and relief I got from it. Like my worries just stopped for a few seconds and I finally got to breathe. I brushed my hair, before I made my way into my room, looking for a pair of underwear to put on today. I gazed at my red undergarments and then back to my white ones with the little bow on the front. The white ones were far more comfier, but the red one looked cuter. I had absolutely no clue.

I grabbed both of them out and decided I'll pick what to wear first then my undergarments. At four Sammy and I planned to hang out. We probably would've hung out earlier but Stephens change of plans had me scheduling it a bit later. But I didn't mind, as long as it reassured Stephen. Which I hope and prayed that he doesn't show up. I don't need another stupid fight with Stephen happening like last night. I bit my bottom lip in debate as I stared at this light pink plaid skirt that hung in my closet. I don't usually wear skirts a lot, unless they're my jean ones.