our hearts are made of steel

12. Confession from the past

Clarke stared at the movie playing before her. She wasn't paying attention to the events but was staring off into oblivion. She wanted to be alone but Murphy had a death grip on her shoulder and Bellamy had spent the previous fifteen minutes explaining to his boss that he was staying with his roommate. She was thankful though that they hadn't called Monty or Octavia to come over. It wasn't that she didn't want to see them, but if they came she knew she would be obliged to express her feelings. The problem was that she didn't feel anything. The emotions she expected to come with this event weren't there. She couldn't feel her fingertips or her legs. Everything around her was white noise. She knew the world was moving on without her but she didn't have the mind to care. She didn't remember Murphy picking the movie. She didn't even register that she had left the hospital until she was sat on her couch in her own apartment. Clarke remembered a conversation she had with Fox once about death. She remembered Fox saying that sometimes when a person dies, relatives are in so much shock that they don't feel anything; they go into denial even though they know it's true. Clarke had never understood that concept until that moment. She knew she wasn't in denial. It was true, she had seen it happen. But there was no other way to explain why she didn't feel anything. Tears were rolling down her cheek before she could process it. She wanted to feel something, anything, but she didn't know how. She hadn't been watching the movie. She stopped watching after Katniss said 'May the odds be ever in your favor' far more sarcastically than necessary. After that she drifted into her thoughts. Maybe this was what she deserved. Maybe her mother's death was life giving her a wake up call. Murphy was rubbing circles on her shoulder; she couldn't feel it but she knew he was doing it. Her eyes were dropping and darkness was pulling Clarke  towards it. Her consciousness was telling her to close her eyes. She came back to reality for just a second to see on the screen, Katniss crouched over a lifeless Rue. The last thought she had before sleep took over was why her reaction to her mother's death, wasn't the same as Katniss's reaction to Rue's.

Bellamy glanced over at Clarke, who had fallen asleep next to Murphy. He couldn't imagine what Clarke was going through. He may not be her best friend but he still cared. She had just lost her mother and she wasn't crying. Instead she had stared at the screen until sleep overtook her. He watched as Murphy drew circles on her shoulder. In that moment he could see how Murphy and Clarke had such a brother-sisterly relationship. They may not be bonded by blood but they were close in that way. They argued, laughed and would do anything to protect each other. In a way he could see himself and Octavia in the Clarke and Murphy. Bellamy may not always get along with his sister but in the end they always ended up together. He had rarely seen Clarke and Murphy fight but he knew they did. They were just better at hiding it than him and Octavia. He remembered what it was like for Octavia not having a mother to raise her. In a way it was worse for Clarke; having gotten close to her mother and then losing her. Hoping for something and then losing it is worse than hoping for anything at all. Bellamy thought about his own reaction to Aurora's death. He hadn't had time to mourn her or think about it because he was to busy raising Octavia. He look over at Murphy wondering if he was close with Abby and what he was thinking about her death.

Murphy had pulled Clarke towards him and now Clarke was lying against his shoulder. He felt pain for her. She didn't deserve everything that had happened to her. She was the closest thing he had to a sister and he hated seeing her in pain. He was also mourning Abby himself. They were close; not in the way that people would think. Abby would always give him a look of appreciation - a look of understanding. He remembered one time when he, Clarke and Abby had gone out for dinner. It had been a bit awkward at first but the moment they sat down they had slipped into an easy conversation. He remembered complaining to them about one of his patients. He remembered Abby bursting into laughter when he told them that he once told his patient that 'if he didn't stop talking, he'd stick a needle in him'. He remembered Abby hugging him at the end of the meal and offering him a ride home. Abby wasn't his blood mother, but she was the next best thing. He felt like he had had a family. He remembered the first time his patient had died. He acted like he was fine but he wasn't. Nobody noticed except Abby. When he saw her he stopped walking. She didn't do anything at first but after a moment she came up and embraced him. He had hesitated at first but eventually he had hugged her back.