Dear Diary

Chapter 76

My body was so tense from feeling his heated gaze on my back that I almost screamed when Richard patted my shoulder to ask for a pen. The whole lesson I couldn't concentrate on the work and was thankful Mrs Eley didn't catch me out on it. I just couldn't get Cole out of my thoughts. If I closed my eyes and focused, I could still feel the tingles that ran down my spine as our lips just touched.

And I guess that's why I was also so tense. I felt dirty, ashamed and guilty because I feel like I had cheated on Richard. I know we were only fake-dating and all, heck we've never even gone on a date, but I still felt as though I had cheated by almost kissing Cole. I can't tell you how many verses I've read in the Bible to try and clear my guilty feelings.

I jumped when the bell rang and I packed my things to get ready to go to my final lesson of the day: maths. Much like how I behaved in English, I did the same in maths and Anne picked up on my tenseness almost instantly. 

"You okay?" she whispered when we took our seats.

"I'm fine," I muttered as I pondered over whether to tell her what happened or not. 

I thought so many times to call her over the weekend and tell her what happened, but I was worried that my mom would hear me if I did, which is the last thing I want. I shook my head. The best way for me to forget what happened was not to talk about it. 

"I'm just stressed about finals," I said with a small smile. 

And now I feel even worse about lying to my best friend. Lovely.

-

"I'm so tired, I almost don't feel like cooking," my mom yawned as we drove down the highway on our way home after my running practise. 

Mom's work was slow at the moment so she had been able to pick me up, instead of Richard taking me home like he usually did.

"You never feel like cooking," I muttered as I stared out the window. 

I was currently dressed my winter running tracksuit which was black but had white running along the seam lines. My hair was pulled into a high ponytail, which my mom always said flattered me the most out of any hairstyle as I stared out the window.

Richard had also asked me about my jumpiness during running, but I just responded with the same answer I did Anne.

"Because I was hoping by now I'll have some help in the kitchen," my mom hinted.

"Mom, you know a stove doesn't agree with me," I replied remembering my countless fails that took place in the holidays.

Hopefully my husband one day can cook. My mind decided to play a harsh trick on me by starting to fantasize what it would be like if Cole and I ever married.

"Yes, but-"

"Hey, do you mind if I get a hot chocolate?" I blurted out, desperate to get the image out of my head.

"But we just passed ..." my mom said, referring to my favourite little cafe.

I thought for a moment before I remembered Stella's cafe, which brought my mind back to Cole. Darn it! 

"I know, but I found a new one that opened up a few months ago. It's close to home."

"Where is it?"

I gave her the directions and soon she was parked outside 'Sugar Rush'. I took the appropriate amount of money out of her purse and opened the door, immediately getting hit by the cold air. Although inside our car wasn't much warmer because the heater didn't work - another unfulfilled promise my dad made.

I hurried into the warm cafe and couldn't help but ogle the many confectionaries in the display case. 

"Lizzy!" I heard Stella call from the other side of the counter and I looked up to see a large smile adorning her pretty face.

"Hi, Mrs Robertson," I greeted with my own smile as I quickly scanned the area. I let out a small sigh when I realised Cole wasn't here.

"Please just call me Stella, honey," she said, smile not leaving her face. "So, what can I get you?"

"A take-away hot chocolate?" I asked, hoping that she could do that.

"No problem," she said as she called back into the kitchen for my order. She turned back to me and smiled. "You looked gorgeous on Friday," she smiled and I blushed as I looked down at my running shoes.

"Thanks," I muttered awkwardly. I could never deal well with compliments, mainly because I never believed them.

"I was a bit surprised by your date, though. I thought Cole was taking you," she said and I looked at her wide-eyed.

"Why ... would you think that?" I asked quietly.

Stella shrugged. "I just thought ... you know you're the only girl he's ever mentioned I just figured that ..." she trailed off when she heard an order ring. "Oh, that's probably your hot chocolate. I'll be right back."

She left me there standing awkwardly and baffled. I was the only girl? I bit the inside of my cheek as I gripped the money in my hand, which was stuffed in my pocket. I was so confused.

The door opened then, sending a cold gust of air in and I shivered and looked to see who entered. My heart stuttered and my eyes widened when I saw Cole close the door behind him and try to fix his dishevelled hair.

He turned and he paused momentarily at seeing me before slowly walking towards me, cautiously almost. 

"Hey," he greeted softly as he came to stand next to me, closer than would normally be considered polite.

"H-Hey," I stuttered and looked down at my shoes, nervously avoiding his gaze. 

I had the sudden overwhelming feeling to dash out the door, but I knew that if I did, my mom would definitely question why I didn't have a hot chocolate in my hand.

It was silent between us for a moment as I quietly tapped my toe in my shoe, impatiently waiting for Stella to come with my drink. What was taking her so long? 

I heard Cole sigh and shift from foot to foot. He was nervous. "Look, about last Friday ..." he began and I gulped. I didn't want to do this now; I didn't want to do this ever. "I-"

"Cole!" Stella greeted happily as she returned with my hot chocolate in hand. 

I almost sighed in relief as I quickly thanked her, throwing the money on the counter and dashed out the cafe.

 As the door closed behind me I could just make out her saying, "What have you done now?"

The cold wind whipped my hair around as I jogged to my mom's car and quickly climbed inside, my heart still beating frantically in my chest.

My mom asked me a few simple questions as we took off down the road and I willed myself to calm down, only it was extremely difficult to do so when I remembered that tomorrow I would have to go to tutoring ... and there was no way of getting out of it.