Reality of Darkness

Chapter 6

Remember when Bella waited for Edward, sat at her window, looking gaunt and drained off life? Well I can relate, as for the fourth day, I pull myself out of bed, to go to the bathroom and then take myself back to the bed which had been mocking me all night long with its width and coldness.

I hadn't slept a wink, I just laid motionless, looking at his side of the bed and waiting him or for my touch band to vibrate, neither came. The house was too big and quiet for me, I hated it. I prayed to hear him talking to Gracie whilst he fed her, singing off key in the shower, moaning at how cold my feet are when we get into bed or sitting across the other side of the bedroom in nothing but his boxers doing voiceovers. Looking at the chair, I sigh, knowing he should be there right now, doing the voice overs whilst I sit and watch from a distance, before purposely trying to put him off and bring him back to bed.

They say love is blind and I always thought that was implied to people who were unaware that they loved each other. But now I could see that it had multiple reasons, I was blind not to catalog everything I could about Zak because now I missed him like crazy. His t-shirts didn't smell right and no matter what I tried, it didn't smell like his. That led to a 20 minute meltdown...

If anyone found me, they would have suspected he had died, because I was led on the wardrobe floor, surrounded by his clothes, weeping.

Broken was an understatement for me at this moment in time, I was shattered and grounded down into dust. I felt.. I felt nothingness.

I was blind not to appreciate all the the little things that he did, the snuggle into my body each morning wanting to stay in bed a little longer, the kiss to wake me up in the morning rather than trying to call for me, the way his fingers would find their way to my hair and play with the ends, heating the shower before pulling me under the spray with him and shielding me when it was still a little too cold, the spontaneous body flops onto me whenever I was led down, and the foot massages because he's apparently into feet whereas I am the opposite, the different smiles he has, because he has multiple smiles...

Since he left my attempts to make food were always squashed, I didn't want to eat alone at the table, which resulted in me not eating at all. The kitchen was now a liquid only kitchen as I would go, get water and leave again.

Taking medication and laying in bed was the most I did. In fact, that is all I did. I knew I looked a mess but quiet frankly, I didn't give a shit. It took everything in me not to ring him up, beg for him to come back and talk it through with him. But he wanted space, needed space, which meant he needed to be away from me and that stung.

I didn't need a couple of days to miss him, it was a couple of hours and I have since resorted to watching and listening to old episodes of Ghost Adventures... I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it too. Elle, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Well my lovely people, it's the idea of Zak walking through the door and telling me it's over, or that he has someone else after all. It's fear that I am losing him and it only grows stronger by the hour, making me desperate..

Being with Zak, made my world bright, with vivid colour and perfect high definition. Without him, it was different, it was duller and colder. I fear what life after him would be like, it was never something I contemplated when I threw my everything into this relationship, now it's something that floats around my skull. I worshipped him, I still do and I think I will, even if he comes through the door eventually and breaks my heart.

Today, I had made myself a deal. That I am to stop with this downward spiral and to actually work at fixing this mess we had both thrown ourselves in, as well as shower and do some work. So far, I had showered, put clean pjs on and climbed right back into bed, with the laptop on my knees, waiting for me to start. But I hadn't, I just looked at how lonely my feet looked on the bedding.