YOURS

Chapter 39

"And then I saw that same look you have now in your eyes when I woke up at the hospital,"Roman said,his voice going quiet.

"Do these scare you DeeDee?"he asked,his voice soft, untangling his hand from hers and facing his arms upwards,baring his arms to her.

Delia looked away, flashes of that day whirling in her mind,the emotions she had felt coming back to life.

"You can't even look at them,can you?"Roman asked,his voice quiet,devoid of emotion again. Delia blinked away the tears and drew in her breath as she turned to face him. She looked at him,really looked at him,before she lowered her eyes to his arms. Her eyes never once left his skin. From the center of both  his wrists to near the crook of his elbows,they crept. They were almost identical,same length,nearly the same depth. There was more damage to his left arm and wrist than to his right,the doctor had said. Delia knew that even now, Roman's left arm was weaker compared to the way it was before. It was touch and go,they had said. If she had hesitated even for a second,if the ambulance had arrived even a minute later,he...he wouldn't have made it. Roman...would have died. Delia once again looked at the two healed scars. They looked so... perfect, In precision,in appearance,in everything. He knew what he was doing and how to do it.

He knew . And he did it anyway.

And nearly two months after what had happened,that fact broke Delia's heart. Even so,Delia forced her emotions back in and refused to think about that day any more. Tentatively,she reached out to them. Almost reflexively, Roman flinched at first contact,but he relaxed almost immediately. As gently as she could,she took both his arms in her hands,and ran her thumbs over the scars. She heard him sharply inhale at the motion,but he didn't try to stop her. He just lay there, perfectly still.  And just as gently,Delia lifted one of his arms,then the other,to her lips and lightly kissed the inside of his wrists. She lay them down and took his hands in hers. Looking up at him,she saw tears flood his eyes again, trickling down before any of them tried to stop them. This time Roman didn't look away, didn't hide what he was feeling,and for that,she was grateful.
                        

    "I am not afraid of them Roman. Physically,they are just scars. I know that they are much more than just scars emotionally. But,you shouldn't let them define you. Actually,they don't define you. People will look at them,and they'll know. They'll judge you even without knowing who you are and what you were going through. And some of them will even be afraid. Afraid that you're unstable,a ticking time bomb,just ready to blow. Some will treat you like glass,afraid that one wrong move and you'll break. Some might even be afraid that you'll hurt them,after all,you did try to hurt yourself. But me,Roman,I am not afraid.

"I look at them,and see none of the things I mentioned above. I look at your scars and see courage. I see strength. For it took  a lot to have driven you to that point,and you held on for as long as you could,till you just... couldn't anymore. And it took a lot of courage to do what you did. It wasn't an easy decision. You weren't weak or a coward for choosing that path. And in as much as I hate that it had to come to that,and I never,ever want you to feel that way again,I'll never hold what you did against you. I'll never judge you for it. I'll never be afraid of you,or your scars. Roman,you tried to kill yourself. But I'll never,ever love you any less because of it. In fact,I'll try everything to show you just how much I love you even now. Nothing will ever change my love for you. Not a suicide attempt,not leukemia, nothing. I am here,till death. You're my brother. Nothing will ever change that,"Delia finished,barely getting time to wipe the tears off her own face before Roman leaned over and grabbed her into a huge bear hug.

X.   X.    X.    X.    X.  X.   X.   X.
*Passes out Kleenex to everyone. Blows nose and clears throat*
Hiiiiiiiiiiiii people🤗🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️guess who fucking missed youuu
This girl😊😊😊❣️❣️❣️💕💕💕
Okay. So I know that I promised this chapter earlier,but I realized I needed to research a lot of things before I wrote it. And before you say that's some bullshit right there😂 let me mention some of them.
As you have read,Roman has a medical condition,in addition to being paralysed from the waist down. He was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic/Lymphoblastic Leukemia (A. L. L.). I literally has to do a ton of research on it(what it is, symptoms, diagnosis,survival rate, most at risk,where it can spread to, treatment, stages,diet,after effects of treatment,the patient's appearance during and after treatment,how soon can remission occur,how soon can a relapse occur,is the relapse survivable,what percentage can get a relapse,the estimated cost of treatment -literally as much as I could about it because I didn't want to introduce something I'm not really familiar with and I didn't really know how much I would write about it in this and maybe future chapters so I had to at least know some of it)

Also,I had to research about,*TRIGGER WARNING AGAIN*
How fatal slitting of the wrists is,which type of cutting is fatal,how soon can it heal to just scars,does one need stitching - the works. I don't want to talk about the process  more because it is also triggering to me.
And on that note(ITS LONG BUT WORTH IT):
Please if you ever feel like you have reached that point in your life,that point where you just can't go on anymore,where you don't see the point of living and feel like it will never get better,like things are so fucked up that they'll never change and your life will stay the same. When you feel like,'This is it. There's no other way. Suicide is the only way to make it all go away. To make the voices stop. To make the pain stop. NO. IT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY. IT ONLY SEEMS LIKE IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING GO AWAY AND STOP BECAUSE GUESS WHAT,YOU WILL STOP. YOU WILL GO AWAY. THERE IS ALWAYS A POINT TO LIVING. EVEN IF YOU DON'T SEE IT. EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY THAT ISN'T SUICIDE.  I don't know what's going on in your life if you've reached that point in your life,but please. Please,please, please, don't do it. You are such a beautiful, precious,amazing human being and I love you. I don't know you yet,but I LOVE YOU. And I am so fucking sure that I am not the only one who loves you. I get how you feel. I really, really do because I was there too. And  I'm still here. I'm writing this book and I'm still alive. IT GETS BETTER. IT MIGHT NOT LOOK LIKE IT,BUT IT DOES.  I know that you may be tired of holding on. Tired of keeping it all in. Tired of pretending that you're okay,that you don't get hurt by what you hear,what you go through,what they do to you,what your life is. You just want to make it all go away. You just want to let go. To not feel so fucked up,so sad,so broken,so fucking tired every fucking day of your life. I GET IT. And fuck,I don't know exactly how to prove to you that it will get better,but I just want you to hold on. Talk to someone. Talk to anyone. Talk to me. I AM HERE FOR YOU. I AM WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE. TO YOUR SITUATION. I WANT TO HEAR YOUR STORY. I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I LOVE YOU. And I am not alone. So many other people love you,and are willing to hear what you have to say. There are suicide prevention hotlines in nearly every country/state. Please. Even if it's as a last resort. Call the numbers. Talk to them. I know reaching out is hard,but please do it. Please try it. Even if you say one word,one sentence,one paragraph of what you are feeling. Just keep talking. Don't think about it. Keep talking. Keep typing. Do it till you can't anymore. We are here for you. We love you,I love you and We care.
Your life matters.
You matter.
You are loved so,so fucking much❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BridgitBosibori8