YOURS

Chapter 39

               
*******TRIGGER WARNING-Suicide. This chapter might be upsetting to some audiences. Viewer digression is advised.***********

Also,if you are struggling with the same please read the long note at the very bottom of the page.💙💙

                      For a moment,time seemed to stop in it's wake. Like a calm before the storm,the calming quiet that befell them had a certain... brittleness to it. One wrong sound,one wrong word,and everything would crash into jagged little pieces. Staring into the mercury pools that were his eyes, Delia's breath caught,her heart seemingly beating faster than the whirlwind that was the thoughts in her mind. And everything,every moment that led up to that exact one,flashed right before her very eyes.  Delia  blinked and found Roman staring at her,only now,tears glistened in his eyes.  He looked away.
                       
"Did you leave... because of me? Because of what had happened and what I...did?"He asked,his voice breaking at the end. He cleared his throat in a bid to dislodge the lump that had already settled there. The fact that his voice broke as he said it,the fact that he couldn't even look at her as he asked it, made something twist painfully in her chest. And despite Roman facing away from her,she could still see the tears as they rolled down his cheeks,even though he hastily wiped them away before they could get that far. He didn't even want her to see him cry. He didn't want her to see his pain. The pain that she had caused. And killed her inside.  Delia couldn't let him hurt anymore. He actually thought that he was the reason that she left. As if she'd ever willingly leave him. Ever.She couldn't lie to him, nor could she keep him in the dark anymore. It was hurting him. And whatever hurt him,hurt her. His pain was her pain. And while she wished she could take all of it so that he wouldn't have any,she couldn't. Even if she wanted to.  Something in here stomach lurched up at the prospect. She had to tell him the truth. Or at the very least,some of it. Anything to take away the haunted look she had seen in his eyes before he looked away.
                        
    Gently,almost hesitantly, Delia's fingers creeped towards Roman's,and intertwined with his. Again,she was shocked by how cold his fingers were,and tried to push down the grave feeling that came with knowing exactly why they were like that. Her thumb caressed his,and while the action made him tighten his grip on her hand,he still refused to face her.

"Roman,"Delia began,her voice almost breaking on his name.

Nothing.

"Roman."She called out again,firmer this time. That got his attention. Slowly,he turned to face her,brushing away the fallen tears with his free hand as he did.  A storm was in his eyes. A battle, between darkness and light,love,and pain. Delia saw a glimpse of what she had seen a month and a half ago. It didn't rise to the surface,no,it swam below the surface,deep down enough to stay out of sight,yet close enough to jump out when you least expected it. And in as much as she tried to convince herself that he would never go back there again,that  it would never break out from where it was so well hidden,Delia couldn't help but wonder whether it was just a matter of time before it did.
                    .               
"You're scared,"Roman suddenly stated, breaking the silence that had settled between them. "You're scared...of me,"he stated,his tone flat, purposely devoid of emotion.
                 
   "Roman,I am not scared -" Delia began,but he quickly cut her off.
                   
  "I know that look DeeDee. I've seen it before. I saw it on your face when I was first diagnosed. And then...I saw it again when we went back to Doctor Greene and she confirmed it had recurred. But this time,I didn't just see it on your face. I saw it in your eyes as well. And I heard it in Doctor Greene's voice when she said it. You both did your best to hide it but I could still see it,still hear it. After all, recurrence in A. L. L. only happens  in 15-20% of children after their first remission right? And out of everybody else,out of all the children I was with in chemo,it chose me,"Roman said,giving a humourless laugh at the end.