Escaping The Loop

XII

"Where's that drink?" I said with a tight smile. That's an improvement my doctor said when I skyped him the other day. He practically ordered me to call, email, or skype him during my travels whenever I can. He said that the change of scenery, experiencing new things and escaping my regular pattern has made a certain change hence the smile.

"You know there is a small island not far from here..." he continued talking about that small island while he handed me the drink and guided me to our lunch.

I spaced out and didn't hear a thing. If change of scenery and pattern were the only elements that helped my improvement, I could've done this a while ago, when I started feeling the way I felt. Maybe with Zen. He wouldn't agree, responsible and rational he wouldn't have ever thought of spending more than a week somewhere outside his familiar radius. It felt odd. Being on this boat. With this man. In this country. Could this country, this man, be my cure? Could I live here, or will this place, this man, gradually become tedious in my eyes?

The night life of Santorini was...unworldly. The light, lanterns, the boats lit, the whole town seemed to be alive, day and night. So many people, so many faces, eating and drinking, discussing matters that seemed from outside this little bubble of an escape. We sat in a restaurant that overlooked the whole sea. Wondrous. We ate a lot of greek dishes, no one lied when they said that greek cuisine was spectacular, some similar to our dishes back home(Lebanon); All the greek Dolmas I've had (stuffed grape leaves) have been soaking in olive oil. Ours have ground lamb or beef in them and are not swimming in oil. Our version of baklava uses sugar water and not honey, and we use less of it.
This time Cecilia joined us, staring daggers into Kalon's face. My hand was forcefully taken by someone, I looked towards the culprit, old with wrinkles indicating age and wisdom, and she started muttering in Greek. I tried to snatch my hand from her grip, but she refused. "She is a fortune teller Jill, don't worry" insured Cecilia. Kalon looked at me and smiled assuring my doubts.

"I can't understand a thing" I looked towards Cecilia," what is she saying?"

"She is telling you that you are not from here, that you have come from a nearby place in hopes of getting better," the woman looked at sympathetically and spoke and Cecilia translated accordingly," you are unhappy, you are wondering what will become of your life, you doubt, you distrust, and loved. That love haunts you. You feel guilty and doubt your decision." I never believed in what these people seem to trade, I always thought it was utter bullshit, that the unknown remains unknown and that you cannot simply read an entire person by his/her palm. Yet this was a chance at getting some semblance of an answer.

"Cecilia ask her what will become of me, please ask her what I should do" I said while grasping Cecilia's hand with my free one. Desperate. I admit. The dream I had a month ago, and her words, are driving me into this...delusional state of additional loss. I am wandering, where and to whom, I need to know. Cecilia did accordingly.

Then the old woman came closer and whispered God knows what in my ear, I pointed towards Cecilia, and she whispered the phrase towards her. Cecilia nodded. What did that woman say?

She looked at me, then at Kalon, and gave the most mischievous smile. A smile nonetheless! And said with extreme confidence: "koitáxoume alloú", what does that mean?!

"What does that mean Cecilia?"

Maintaining eye contact with Kalon, apparently he knew and understood what Cecilia meant by this notion.

"'Look elsewhere' " Kalon said. After that dead silence

Elsewhere? And why the looks at Kalon? Was that what she meant? Kalon isn't the person I am supposed to be with? It's been only a month I am not going to marry the man, least of all develop any feelings for him, or feelings in general, could I?

"Well whatever, they are charlatans anyway, it doesn't have to be true, it is just for show," I said changing the subject.

"Well sometimes mad people and charlatans have some valid truth behind some of their words." Cecilia said with a vague note.

We continued eating in ire silence, each one of us perplexed with their own thoughts.

After finishing the most awkward dinner of my life, we paid the bill, said our goodbyes (well I said goodbye), and we continued home.

"Cecilia?"

"Yes Jillian?"

"Why do you dislike Kalon so much? Answer me honestly, if there is something I should know please tell me."

She kept staring at the ground, assembling- what I think- are the words to explain this...hatred.

"He likes you, you know? It shows. How he inclines his whole being towards you, how he listens very closely and clings to every word you say, that's if you say anything. How he indulges in this limited space you have given him and he cannot dare ask for more, although he does try, a lot. I know that very well, I knew that anyways. It is funny when you see the true path of familiar events unfold in front of you. You wish you could take a few notes and send them back through time, sparing yourself heartache and a possible mistake. I can't say anything know, things might have changed. But I will say this, look elsewhere." She ended whatever she was trying to say.

I didn't sleep that night wondering, thinking about what just happened. Tossing and turning, then I saw the screen of my phone come alive, and the phone vibrating anxiously. That familiar number that has been trying for over a month, I should answer. No I won't. I should. Not now. Yes now. I am at the mercy of my conscious and subconscious self.

"Hello?"

"Jillian, thank God, why haven't you been answering my calls??" he asked frantically.

"I was...preoccupied."

"Too preoccupied to answer a friend's phone calls?"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be."

A moment of silence, then a spoke, "Santorini is wonderful, so many people, all generous and friendly, food is great, and the sea is magical" I try describing what little I can conjure from memory and in a short time.

"That is great dear...uhm...I mean Jillian"

"It's okay Zen I understand. It takes time getting used to...this. Believe me. I wanted to call you the very second I arrived, then I remembered that I don't have to anymore."

I heard an exasperated sigh.

"I don't think you quite understand Jillian. I love someone that doesn't love me back. How could you understand? I hope you never feel that way, this need to be loved and wanted and never finding sanctuary for those feelings. That's how much I love you. I miss you. I expect phone calls, I pass by your apartment and suddenly I find myself turning on the signal and heading there, then realizing you are not in the country. People ask me about you, and I have no answer. All I say is that she is well I hope. This sorrow, has been digging its way through my entire being. You think I am withdrawn and unemotional. How could you feel that way? I remember everything! I have feelings Goddamit and you trampled over my heart, and never gave me the chance to help you! You closed yourself to the world, and you blame it for not offering you happiness on a silver platter, happiness is how you perceive, and..." before he could even continue I interjected, "You are heartless! How could you compare my depression with ungratefulness! I am sorry! SORRY! I do not know what to tell you most of the time, that's why I don't answer. You keep blaming me. This is the first time in four years I am uncomfortable with you." Then I continued, "How did you know I thought that way, Cecilia? MOM??"

"Both"

"You cannot do that!" I was beyond angry. I was furious! This intense anger, I could not believe this. This isn't Zen. This is entirely someone else.

"Consider my fee-" I tried saying when he interrupted, "All I have ever done, since the moment I met you, was consider YOUR feelings, yet you felt so generous with mine. I am desperately asking around for some fragment of news about you. Your doctor, your mother, your best friend. I am worried all the time. I miss you all the time. And I can't help it. Wondering what you're doing, with whom, where...I can't live this way!"

"WELL NO ONE ASKED YOU TO, GOODBYE!"

I ended the call. HOW dare he!?