Jason & Darius |Craving Yours| ✔

22.Sympathy & A devil

Darius Dixon

"Look, Jason," I said shifting my weight from side to side before remembering I had rushed from work so I must look like a filthy person. "I realized I was thinking of you and I wondered how long you'd been on my mind. Then it occurred to me since the day you came to my house looking like a sad kitten and since then you've never left my mind."

I stuffed my hands into my empty pockets suddenly conscious of my greasy fingers and black-rimmed nails. What was I thinking coming to see him in my dirty greasy overalls? And without taking a quick shower too. Yes, I had been thinking about him a lot but coming straight here in work clothes was not a great idea. I immediately felt like an idiot as shame sobered me.

"I am sorry that I don't love you as much as I should, ok. I am sorry I am not over Mason. I am sorry that we fell into this weird twisted mess of things. I am sorry that I am a mess. But my boyfriend just died. Remember him he was your bother. And how can I just blink away the person I loved in one go." I blinked and clamped my mouth shut as I realised I was going off track. I came to apologise not aggravate him.

"Please keep going you are doing a great job." He said with a sarcastic eye-roll. "Especially the part where you remind me about my dead brother on the day that was supposed to be our birthday?" 

"Sorry, it's all coming out wrong hold on," I said gathering myself and my thoughts before continuing. "What I mean is... I don't love you. I mean I don't love you the way you want me too..." I took a break as I watched him inhale a sharp breath.

"But...I am willing to put in the work. I am willing to give it a shot. I am willing to try and do better. And not because you look like Mason. Okay, maybe a little part is because you look like him. But that's, not a deciding factor. Not because you are a warm body to keep me less lonely. But because you make me feel special and it took me a long time to realise. But you do a lot for me.  I am willing to put in the work and start slow, start again. With you. The real you. Not a carbon copy of your brother. To try really try and be the right guy."

Jason stood blinking looking at me without replying. I wasn't really expecting him to say much but Jason silence was not what I wanted at that moment.

"And uh..." I took out a gift-wrapped small box from my pocket. I grimaced as grease from my hands ruined the crisp clean wrapping on it leaving dark slimy fingerprints against the white box.

"I really hope you are not proposing to me because you did just say you don't love me? In very colourful non-offensive words." He said looking sceptical.

"No, its umm...its uhh." My cheeks felt inflamed as I stumbled to find the words to explain so I just stretched the box to him. "Happy Birthday. If you don't like it you can just say so. You are under no obligation to like it."

He opened the box then looked confused before looking up at me. "I don't understand?"

"It's a key."

"I see that."

"It used to be Mason's."

He closed the box and pushed it back towards me.

"No, not like that. It's metaphorical and literal. I am giving you the key to my house so you can move in. If you want. And not just crush on my couch but sleep in my bed. And maybe  after a while, you will be able to open my heart with it too..." I said trailing off.

"Cheesy." He said smiling.

Then he wordlessly slipped it into his pocket. A small but important gesture. Jason didn't say much but I knew that was him accepting. He wouldn't say it out loud instead he would most probably unlock the door and let himself in later.

"I am sorry for kissing you that night. On the balcony? In hindsight that wasn't one of my best ideas." I said remembering how awkward it got after that.

"No, it really wasn't," Jason said quietly watching me.

"So Jason, will you go on a date with me."

"My parents kind of hate you now so we might have to sneak around for a while?"

"I will win them over again. If you agree to go on a date with me?" I asked not shocked that his parents didn't like me currently.

He smiled. Then before turning to enter the house, he said "See you tomorrow Darius. Don't be late."

In Jason words that was a 'yes'. Although I don't know how I was supposed to not be late when he didn't say a time. Instead of worrying about that, I turned to leave with a smile on my face and a new feeling of contentment. I wasn't over Mason but Jason was great as well. A part of me knew we were connected and not in the way Mason and I were. We were connected in a different way. A way only Jason and I would understand.

A Jon Bellion song because we all deserve a little bit of him.