Jason & Darius |Craving Yours| ✔

12.Comfort & Crowd

Jason Madison

My gut was twisting and the walls suddenly felt like they were closing in. I had forgotten about all the memories in my room. The couch Mason and I fought over. The stacks of weird gory horror novels I stole from his room and never read. The taunting sticky notes he placed on my mirror. The last one he had written was still there. I couldn't remove it. I didn't have the strength to do that. It was the last form of communication between us before that fateful day. Now he was gone. And he was never coming back.

The empty void in my chest suddenly felt more hollow. Almost as if Darius had been distracting me from grieving and making it somehow better. The dull ache was now a constant throb of aching pains. And no amount of pain killers could cure that pain. My brother was gone the only person who shared everything with me from our DNA to our secrets. The only person who had ever truly known and felt my pain. My childhood traumas, my growing pains. He was there for everything even during the fights. There is nothing quite like the understanding that your sibling has.

This was really it. I felt my chest rise but never fall as I failed to inhale air. I hiccupped as I tried to get in more air but nothing was working. There was a sting in the back of my eyes and the air was coming off in short supply like someone was sitting on my chest.

"Come on ...Come on."

I took in another lungful of air. But it still failed to assist me. I was now sobbing as I failed to breathe. I could feel death's door by my ear. As it sunk its seductive claws into my chest. Drawing me closer to the brink. This was how I was going to go out. Choked by sadness. It had to be some kind of poetic justice. Even Kurt Cobain couldn't write a song this twisted.

"Wake up! Jason!" Dae Screamed in my ear.

I shot up instantly. My face was still hot from my would be nightmare and my chest was still rising and falling heavily as if the effects had not worn off yet. I gave myself time to adjust to the lighting in the room by slowly inhaling and exhaling. Everything was dark even though my lights were on. They didn't really provide actual illumination. Just a soft comforting hue, since my room was laced with dull blue neon lights instead of actual light. I couldn't make out much except shapes.

Odette sat by my bed watching me silently.

"What took you so long?" I asked puzzled at her late arrival. " I texted you hours ago."

"You texted me forty-five minutes ago Jay." She said looking at me with a knowing look. "Another nightmare?"

"Not really," I said as shifted my legs of the bed.

I ignored her prying eyes and rummaged through my closet for something that was truly me. I ended up finding a black cotton hoodie that Mason bought for me during our high school years. A truly interesting time of our life. My hand skimmed past it as I dragged my old trusty black leather jacket instead.

"One of those days?" Dae asked as she stood up.

I didn't answer. Choosing instead to slip my arms into my soft almost worn-out jacket and leading the way out. My leather jacket was my security blanket and me choosing to not talk about it as part of the security.

Dae drove us to a new bar she had apparently discovered. I was not really looking for anything in particular just a blur of people and mindless chats. Something to help me get lost without having to talk about anything. To just have voices of other people as the white noise in my life.

"So what do you want to do?" Dae said as she parked the car by the roadside a few meters away from the bar.

"I don't know."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" She said as she turned in her seat to face me.

"Not particularly."

"Do you want to tell me why you were having a not so mild panic attack in your sleep?" She said reclining her seat slightly to allow her space to manoeuvre her body.

"My brother is dead. And sometimes I miss him." I clipped.

She silently watched me for what felt like a long time. Scrutinizing my feelings or just assessing my reaction either way. I did not like it. Then after some more quiet judging, she started the car up again.

"So...party?"

"Sure."

Dae immediately turned the car and drove in the opposite direction. I guess she had a new destination in mind. I let her drive us to our new destination while I tried to forget about my dead brother or the fact that the only person who made me feel better was not allowed in my life anymore.