Catch 22

40

My throat clenches as I stare out the impeccably clean hospital window.

My emotions are everywhere. I feel intensely broken and helpless.

I love her. I'm so undeniably and completely in love with her that it scares me. The thought of having to watch her wither away, becoming a shell of herself until she ceases to exist, destroys my insides and makes me excruciatingly nauseous.

I've already worried myself sick twice in the past twelve hours. So far Rowen seems content to pretend she doesn't notice, but I see it, I see the pain behind her eyes. The way the light in them doesn't quite reach to her pupils and her smile looks forced.

She's already tried to leave me once for fear I can't handle this. That I'm not strong enough. Truthfully, she may be right, but it doesn't matter.

I'm not leaving her.

My hands grip tightly to the metal handrail next to the window as I stare into the open space. Down below the parking lot is full of people coming and going.

I wonder, are those people, are they dealing with this kind of ache too? Fuck I want a cigarette.

"Hey." A quiet voice says behind me and I turn around to find Kate.

She looks paler today than she did yesterday and her face has a slight red tint that would give away the fact she has been crying if her red rimmed eyes were not already convincing enough.

"Hi." I force out, the words tasting sour in my dry mouth.

She moves beside me and stands silently, gazing out the window contemplating, as I have been for over an hour now, why this has to happen to Sage?

"Do you think she's scared?" I ask after a moment, a breath of air falling from my slightly flared nostrils, not trusting myself to look over to her for fear the tears I am trying desperately to hold in will spill over. My lip is already trembling and I huff out a somber breath as I await her reply.

Kate blows out a long breath, an audible stream of air before she's silent.

"I really fucking hope not." She says. "But I know if it was me in her spot I'd be fucking terrified."

We settle into silence, my hands shoved deep into the pockets of my flared sweatpants as my throat works and I stare at the ground. Toeing the tile floor with my Vans.

"It wasn't like this last time." She says after a minute and I can feel her eyes settle on me and I turn slightly so that she's in my peripheral vision. I don't know that I can face her entirely. "Miller was so positive and we all were tested so quickly. He was a match and they were prepping for surgery before we really even had time to let everything sink in and get scared."

Her arms are crossed over her torso protectively. Like she's trying to hold herself together.

"I wanna get tested." I say, surprising even myself. I hate needles but if there is any possibility I could be the one to save her then I have to be willing to try.

"I had a feeling you would want to." Kate says with a small smile and a knowing look. "You need to tell her though, because she won't be happy."

"What?" I ask incredulously. Why wouldn't she be happy that I'm willing to do this for her? It's a grand gesture, a desperate one for a shot and keeping her alive and selfishly wanting to keep her with me.

"Because the last time someone she cared about risked their life to save hers, they didn't make it."

I grit my teeth as my mouth dries quickly from Kate's words.