Synergy

Eighty-two

"But that's not always the case."

I don't remember all the girls jumping up, cheering and hugging me. I dont remember Alexa literelly having to push me up on stage. I dont remember Justin Timberlake kissing me on the cheek and telling me how I deserve it.

I couldn't remember anything as I made my way up on stage. The mic seemed elusive and I couldn't pinpoint words.

Fifth Harmony hugged me tighter than my biggest fans and stepped aside, leaving me with the heavy metal award, a mic, and a crowd of billions of people.

"Wow..this is..wow."

I cringed inwardly. What the hell do I say?

"Woman of the Year. Holy hell...Oh my I'm sorry I mean holy crap!"

I've done hundreds of public thank yous. Why am I screwing this up so bad?

"This is such an honor. To be- to be- uhm recognized like this.."

They should take this away from me now. I don't deserve this. Woman of the year?? More like biggest woman failure of the year.

The lights became too hot suddenly. I wasn't used to being alone on stage either. I always had the girls, now no one.

I can't accept this. Give it back Ela. Give it back.

"I- uhm- I"

And right as I was about to refuse it, I caught sight of Harry.

His eyes had been searching for mine. I saw a glint of happiness and relief coat them as he finally made eye contact.

But why?

My eyebrows scrunched as I tried to comprehend his looks towards me.

He was close to the stage, as was BasBaseline. I could just about make out what he was trying to say. And then I caught it. I understood exactly what he was mouthing.

"You deserve this."

And just like that, my foundation of guilt, anxiety, and self hate slipped away.
Three words changes my whole outlook. Three words changes my whole outlook because it came from him.

Maybe I do deserve this. At least a little.

He nodded one more time and suddenly the words were there. I knew what I wanted to say.

"I'm hard on myself. That frustrates a lot of people. Maybe because they dont want to see me down on myself. Maybe because they want to take the easier route. Or maybe because people don't like to deal with some hard facts of life. A lot of times I think we look over our problems.