Always You |harry styles| - completed

FIFTY-THREE

'Dear Kaya, my baby girl.

You've not arrived into this world while I write you this letter. You're currently in your Mummy's tummy, growing your lungs and becoming stronger by the minute. I don't even know how to start this without telling you how much I already love you. This letter will hopefully be something nice for you to read in a moment of need.

Let me begin by telling you about me and your Mum. We met one Christmas Eve, a while ago. She walked through a crowd of people wearing a beautiful red dress. She wasn't very comfortable in it, since she kept tugging at the ends, trying to make it appear longer. But, darling, she looked fantastic. As soon as I saw her I knew I had to come up to her and start up a conversation, somehow. Luckily, Uncle Josh left her at the bar alone and I made my move. She had the most angelic voice (unlike the one she'll use to yell at us when we're messing up the living room with your toys or the one she'll probably use on you when you become a rowdy teenager) and her smile immediately mesmerized me. I got pulled away by someone that knew me and I lost sight of her... what a terrible moment that was. Just when I'd thought I lost her; I spotted a tall blond woman – your Mum – staring at her phone screen intently. She was watching Love Actually, my favorite film, at a party filled with hundreds of people that danced and laughed. 'This is too much to be a coincidence', I thought. I managed to convince her to let me watch it with her... we talked and we laughed, we even cried during one of the scenes (guess which one, sugar) and it was the loveliest Christmas Eve I could've had while away from Gran and Auntie Gemma.', I was already in tears and I hadn't even made it through the first paragraph.

'The next time I saw her was when she and Uncle Josh came over to a house I owned in California (it wasn't far from where we went for every one of your spring breaks growing up). We spent the entire evening laughing and talking about our musical favorites... you know how much I love to talk about music, don't you? That was the night I decided I needed her to stay in my life. You see, it was quite odd for me to take a liking to someone I met by chance, but your Mummy was so captivating I couldn't let her slip away. We became really good friends even though we lived on opposite sides of the country. We'd talk on the phone every day and we'd send each other cute messages, she travelled to Los Angeles to see me a few times. Every time she'd leave I kept thinking about how incredible it felt to make her laugh, to see her happy. One of my most brilliant ideas (don't listen to what Mum has to say about it, trust your Dad on this one) was to take her to New York to see U2 in concert. Oh, Kaya, she absolutely loved that! You should've seen her face when Bono greeted us, priceless! That was the night I knew I'd started falling in love with her. There was nothing I could've done to stop it. We had a bit of trouble with finding each other and confessing our feelings, but when she moved to London we got together and we've been together ever since.', saying we had a bit of trouble was putting it mildly, but I guess not even Harry could've seen this coming... not even mere months ago.

'You'll probably get mad at your Mum sometimes, which is okay. When people love each other it's quite normal they get upset with each other every once in a while. Never let it be longer than an hour, please. You Mum is the most incredible person I know, besides you. Mum loves with her whole heart, even though it takes her a while to say so. Mum adores dancing in the kitchen, but she'd never admit it. Mum is kind and gentle, you don't remember all the times she worried about you and nursed you back to sleep when you were just a tiny baby. Let these words be a reminder that she deserves your love more than she deserves your anger.', my soft cries turned into loud sobs... I'd never felt this desperate in my life.

'I remember the day she told me you were in her belly... just a little Blob (that's how we called you until we picked your name). That was the happiest day of my life, knowing we created a new life, someone that we'll get to see grow, that we'll raise and help become a wonderful human, someone that we'll love forever. Always remain true to yourself, my dear Kaya, and remember to treat everyone with kindness and compassion (just like your Mum does) because you never know what someone's going through.

I love you, forever and always,

Dad.'.

My crying only stopped after I realized I'd wake the baby if I continued sobbing in my bed, with her sleeping over on Harry's side. Reading his letter to Kaya was maybe wrong of me, but it made me certain that I would not be giving up so easily. Not when my entire life was at stake, not when I knew there was nobody I could love more than I love Harry. Not after I got a glimpse into what life without him looks like and it shook me to my core. I may have been timid about my feelings in the beginning of our relationship but I grew out of my shell and I learned the importance of sharing. What I said to Gemma when we first met, that every relationship has three sides: mine, his and the truth, echoed in my mind. My side was that he shut me out, pulled away and kept to himself without considering my feelings or the fact we now had a daughter. His side was probably that he was struggling and didn't know what to do with all the negative emotions running trough his body so he followed the first instinct that kicked in – to run away. Now the truth was a bit more complex: neither of us was to blame but, at the same time, we were both guilty in terms of only thinking about ourselves in this equation. I should've insisted he share what was bothering him the moment I noticed a shift in his behavior. I should never have let it go that far and I definitely should not have blown up on him like I did. Harry needed to start practicing what he used to preach to me, back in the beginning. There was no way for me to know what was going on in that head of his and his mistake was not allowing me a look inside. It wouldn't be perfect, but we couldn't keep making the same mistake. And we certainly couldn't give up on the love we built and worked hard on. 

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A/N: this was heartbreaking to write, and there's more where this came from! 

Quarantine updates: I watched Collateral, a British limited series on Netflix and I *highly* recommend it. Also, I've been super into The Good Doctor lately. What have you been doing? Lots of love from me!

TPWK, always.

T.