Always You |harry styles| - completed

EIGHTEEN

Avril Lavigne: Keep Holding On

"Harry, we haven't talked about the fact that I've got two days left in Cali and then I have to go back and pack for the tour...", we were laying in bed on Friday morning, before sunrise, and I finally decided to tear the band-aid off. He looked at me with sympathetic eyes and started to get up.

"Come on, let's make some coffee and see the Sun wake up.", I couldn't tell whether he was trying to avoid talking about it or he just wanted us to be fully aware before we dove into a discussion this important.

The coffee maker buzzed in the background while I sat at the kitchen island, trying to come up with an answer to a question I knew Harry was going to ask – what do you feel now? That question would unpack a million different ones, because there was no easy answer. I felt happy when we were together, but realistically I knew that it was a bubble we were living in and not the real world. I was afraid we'd already gotten too attached one to the other and that we, at the same time, weren't attached enough to start a relationship that would inevitably be a long distance one. I wasn't afraid of being in a relationship anymore... at least not out of the same reasons that frightened me before. Before meeting Harry I chose not to be in relationships because I cherished my free time too much and had trouble connecting to people. It was safe to say that Harry and I connected, on so many levels and I would gladly give up all my free time to be with him. But, was that enough to jumpstart a relationship that was bound to hit roadblocks and great obstacles in it's very first week of existing?

"Teacup, the coffee is ready...", his voice brought me out of the complex train of thoughts my brain was battling.

The sun was about to rise and his back terrace was the perfect place to witness the miracle of day, as he called it. April was ending, so the days were significantly longer than they were when we first met, and the air was now warmer each day. I usually loved this part of the year, when Spring slowly became stronger and completely fought off winter. This time, it just served as a constant reminder that we'd spend the majority of summer apart.

"What's on your mind, love?", the dreaded question came out of his mouth and in that moment I had to make a split-second decision... do I tell him all of it or do I wait for him to share where he stands.

"Too much is on my mind... I'm terrified of missing you and of comparing tour dates. What if we don't coincide in any city for the entire summer? I mean, I don't know how you feel about all of this but I quite like it. And it kills me that we have to let at least a part of it go, because the real world is catching up to us.", his free hand moved over to my thigh and squeezed occasionally, when he felt the need to reassure me.

"Teacup, it's not going to be easy being separated, but I think that's a given. It was already hard that first night apart after New York... but I think it's more a question of whether we see this as having potential and are willing to make some sacrifices to make it work, or if we think it's best to leave it up to fate, or destiny.", his words didn't tell me anything I wasn't already aware of.

"I think it would be dumb of us to prioritize this over our careers, rationally speaking. That being said, it's not like I'm not the least bit curious to see where this could lead and if it could turn out to be the greatest happiness we'd ever feel in our lives.", that was, perhaps, the most I could say without exposing my soul too much. I felt it always paramount to protect at least a little bit of my soul, because with a broken soul I'd be a shell of a human. Now that was something I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never become. No matter the man, no matter the love and no matter the light it brought to my life. Broken is not an adjective I'd ever use to describe myself.