Always You |harry styles| - completed

FORTY-NINE

The Jackson 5: I'll Be There

Thea

Harry reluctantly allowed me a day for myself, after I convinced him I'd call him if I started having contractions. It was all under the pretext of nesting, which I planned on doing the minimum of. I'd already nested my heart and soul out, Kaya's nursery lacked only the baby herself and I spent the better part of last week figuring out how to store the thousands of nappies we had. It wasn't going to be about nesting today... it was going to be about me, and my daughter. I gave up journaling months ago because my fingers would swell up and, besides, my hands didn't grow in proportion with my stomach so sitting at the table while writing wasn't really an option. In less than three weeks I'd be giving birth. How has it already been nine months since I found out about Blob? I missed the days when we called her Blob, when we didn't know she was a girl and when she didn't have a name. The moment I found out Blob was a 'she' I became terrified... of everything. Bringing a female into the world seemed much more of a challenge than a male. Not because boys were easier or less challenging in and of themselves. Simply because the world still wasn't a great place for women. I was terrified, and still am, of having to teach Kaya how to defend herself against the world filled with booby-traps set for girls. I am terrified of somebody telling her she should play with dolls or wear pink. I don't want her to ever feel like she's less than simply because she doesn't have a penis between her legs. I knew that she couldn't grow up ignorant or entitled with Harry for a dad and me for a mom, even though she had all the predispositions to be a brat. We would never let that happen. I was just afraid of all the obstacles she'd inevitably face on her journey to adulthood. I was afraid of how I'd handle her teenage years, since raising me wasn't really a walk in the park according to my mother.

Deciding that my thoughts simply had to make it onto a piece of paper, I was adamant on fighting through the carpal tunnel and Kaya kicking my stomach against the edge of the dining table.

Dear Kaya,

you're probably of the reading age now that this letter has made it into your hands. You're currently kicking me under the ribs as I'm writing this, which is not the nicest thing but I forgive you for it. You know, I never imagined having a child before turning thirty but life kind of had other plans. I started writing this with an idea in mind and now that I've put a few words on paper it seems all of my thoughts just evaporated into thin air. I don't know what will be going through your mind at a time you'll need advice from me, but I wanted to give you a little life guide book. Sometimes you won't want to ask me what I think you should do, but you'll still want to know... so maybe you find the answer to your question in this letter.

For when you're little:

Breakfast isn't always that fun, but it'll help you grow into the woman I want you to become. If your Dad tells you that it's okay to play with your pancakes – do not listen to him.

I know you don't like bedtime; I didn't like it at your age either. But, look on the bright side – everything is possible in your dreams. Then you can wake up and decide to turn dreams into reality.

Boys aren't yucky, they can be your friends if you let them. Also, you don't have to play with dolls or with your little kitchen if you don't want to. You're strong enough to be a repairwoman or a firefighter! Cars are fun, too.

If you ask your Daddy for a puppy he will probably get one for you. (Don't tell him I said this). We'll walk and cuddle it together.

For when you're a teenager:

It's normal. Whatever you're feeling is normal. Pimples don't last forever. Periods, on the other hand, do... but you get used to them. Teal is never a good choice (not for an eyeshadow shade, not for a prom dress). Try mint green, that's your Dad's (and my) favorite.

Boys can be terrifying in the beginning. I know. The thing is, they are so clueless at that age that you can do pretty much anything and get away with it. (Don't tell your Dad I said this, either). But, always be nice.

Studying is tedious and it feels like it never ends. To tell you the truth, it doesn't. There's a reason you go to school, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one because you wouldn't believe me even if I told you the whole story.

You know that band you love? Blast their music (not in the middle of the night, I beg you)! Learn everything there is to know about each member. Keep up with what they're doing and if you ever ask me to take you to their concert and I say no – show me this letter. (Or you could ask your Dad, he'll take you anywhere you want to go, just don't take advantage of his love.)

For when you're a bit older:

Don't drink vodka. Just trust me. Whatever else you drink, remember to have water with it (or at least a full glass before you collapse into bed). Advil and orange juice help in the morning.

If you don't feel comfortable in a dress and heels (like I never did) screw what society tells you and wear jeans with some trainers. Dance your ass off but be happy while you're doing it.

Have sex when you're ready to, not a second before. It doesn't matter if you're eighteen or twenty-eight when you do it. You have to be comfortable and you have to trust the person you're having sex with because it's quite scary to bare yourself in front of another human being.

Every job seems wonderful in the beginning, but you'll soon discover that bosses aren't always great, coworkers can be really shitty and you'll never work just eight hours per day. That's a capitalist lie (or a lie with a capital L, whichever way you want to put it).

You'll probably be a bitch to men, just like I was before I met Dad and my mother was before she met Grandad. There's not much I can tell you that will help in this department besides to release the breaks a bit. The sooner you realize that you're being like that out of fear – the easier it will be for you.

No matter what you do in life, no matter who you become and what wrong choice you make – your Dad and I will always be there to catch you when you fall. Never doubt that, not even for a second.

For all of life:

Be yourself, be kind and compassionate. Never assume you know what someone is like or what they are going through, because you'd never want someone to do that to you. Every problem has a solution and if you don't know what it is there is an entire village to help you (literally... your Dad and I, your Gran, Auntie Gem and Uncle Michal, Uncle Josh and Auntie Alyssa, Uncle Niall and probably about ten other people you could turn to for advice).

Love,

Mom.

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A/N: I thought this chapter would be easier to write, but when you think about all the things you'd want to tell your daughter you're kind of at a loss for words. I hope I did it justice, even though there's probably a million things I could add. It's from the hart (maybe you guys could help me by adding advice you'd give your daughter in a comment). 

TPWK, always.

T.