Always You |harry styles| - completed

THIRTY-FIVE

Frankie Valli and The 4 Seasons: Can't Take My Eyes off You

'Forget lunch, come over to my place tonight and I'll make you my famous Spanish meatballs. Around 8?', I texted Niall as soon as I got to work. Last night's question haunted me for most of the night and I hadn't really slept. Rod wanted me to handle more paperwork today, fill out some forms for government funding and for once I was thankful to have my head buried in folders. I stopped by a Waitrose next to my building and got all the ingredients for my favorite recipe of all time – albóndigas. I knew Niall would love that dish, since it was spicy and served over potatoes or bread. Honestly, there weren't many dishes he disliked.

"It's open! Come in!", I yelled from the kitchen when the weird doorbell rang.

"That godawful sound is certain to wake people up from the dead. It smells amazing here.", he left his coat by the front door and sat at my mint table... finally a guest that wanted to sit at the table.

"Want to taste test it?", he rushed over to the stove and got the lid off the pot.

"Is an army also joining us for dinner? That's the most massive pot ever.", I shot him my 'are you kidding' look, "No, you're the only one joining me for dinner, but this way I have enough to feed you three times over.".

"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?", Niall asked me when we sat down to eat. He was serious, maybe due to the boiling plate of food in front of him, but maybe because he sensed I was nervous.

"You cannot laugh. You're gonna want to, but you really can't.", he nodded, "Okay... You've been in love before, right? What does it feel like? How do you know it's love and not just lust?".

"Are you serious? You've never been in love?", he really couldn't believe what he was hearing and I could tell he wanted to laugh at my question.

"No. I've been in shorter relationships but they always fell apart before I got to the 'I love you' part. I want to know what it feels like because I might be in love with Harry and I wouldn't want to mistake what I'm feeling for love, if it ends up being just lust or liking his company.", my Irish friend coughed a little, took a swig from his beer and crossed both hands on top of his chest.

"Okay... To me, it feels like something unstoppable. You want to spend every minute of every day with them. You never want them to leave your side. When you see them your heart does a little loop de loop and your breath catches in your throat. They annoy you sometimes, but your first reaction is to smile at their cheekiness, and not to become agitated. The simplest of things, like hugs and subconscious touches, little acts of kindness mean the most.", I made a little checklist in my mind, mentally checking things off as he spoke. It was like what I felt for Harry, to a tee.

"But is there also fear? I am constantly afraid of the severity of my feelings. Like any wrong move or word might wreck it all for the both of us... is that normal?"

"It can be, especially if you're not used to the feeling of love. It's obviously very different for each individual, but I'd say there is fear in love. Fear that you'll give too much of yourself to another person and they'll end up destroying those parts of you that you trusted them with. Do you feel ready to trust him with the most intimate parts of yourself?", his words caught me off guard. I did trust Harry, but I still battled with the more selfish part of me, the one that had a hard time letting go of that fear and willingly giving someone the ammunition to destroy me.

"I do, to an extent. I guess it's going to take time for that trust to overpower the fear. Maybe because of the way we ended the first time around... because we weren't reading each other's cues and were blinded by the general happiness we felt when we were together. We deliberately ignored all the bad things and swept them under the rug, which was a mistake.", I could tell I was losing him to the food and I couldn't really blame him, I did make a mean pot of albóndigas.