Always You |harry styles| - completed

FIFTY-THREE

Joni Mitchell: Both Sides Now

"Josh I don't know what to tell you, he hasn't been home for a week. Not even to see Kaya, although Niall keeps asking for pictures of the baby so I guess he is missing her... you know better something than nothing.", the babe was asleep and I was back to moping at the kitchen island. A recurring sight in this household.

"I'm coming to London, Thea. I will be there for you during this, it's not something you'll go through alone, whichever way it ends.", the amount of relief I felt upon hearing Josh's news was overbearing.

"That's so kind of you Josh, really. I won't even object, not that it would make a difference. I think my old flat is empty so I'll check with the owners and see if they'd be willing to rent it to you.", when I hung up with Josh I realized that I didn't have any friends in London. At least not friends of my own... every single one of the people I relied on here was somehow connected to Harry. Josh was the only one I could talk to about the mess I'd suddenly found myself the center of. The door opened and scared me to death because I wasn't expecting anyone to come, let alone Harry.

"I came for a change of clothes, but we also need to have a word.", as I watched him climb the stairs to the bedroom I thought about how his voice didn't sound like his, it seemed foreign to me.

"I was thinking we should come up with a schedule for Kaya. Maybe I could spend weekends with her and you have her during the week.", we hadn't been separated for a full week and he was already talking about visitation rights... it didn't make a bit of sense to me. It wasn't like Harry to do something like this.

"That's it? We're just going to give up on us?", he turned to face the floor and I lost all hope of having a proper discussion about this.

"I don't know what to do Thea, this is a new situation for me as well. This hasn't been the way it's supposed to be for a while now and I feel like a bit of time apart could do us both good. Maybe you can go to Niall's for the weekends, and I'll try to find a place to stay during the week, so we both don't impose.", his words hurt more than a ton of bricks smashing into me at once could ever hurt me.

"I'll stay with Josh... he's coming to London this week to help out. Niall is your friend and this is your house so I think it's best if I just look for a place of my own, that could fit both Kaya and I.", Harry shook his head lightly and it was obvious that this wasn't easy for him either, but none of this was my idea to begin with so I couldn't really wrap my mind around him just giving up.

"This is our house and you don't have to do that. You and Kaya will stay here. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, teacup. Believe me.", hearing him use that fucking nickname broke me on the inside and I knew that one more word would be enough to fall apart in front of him.

"Kaya's about to wake up from her nap so you need to go.", I walked over to the front door and opened it for him.

"Love, don't-", a tear rolled off my cheek, "Don't, Harry. Just go.".

I couldn't understand how things changed between us so fast. One minute we were happy and in love and the next we were barely talking and he was setting up weekend visits with our daughter. What the hell did I miss? Was it really possible to go from loving someone so deeply and intensely to quitting cold? Was I a fool to believe what we had would last a lifetime? After I put Kaya down I cracked open a bottle of wine and climbed up to the music room, the room that reminded me of all the good times as well as the bad ones. Harry always gravitates towards music, when things are going swell he writes because he's happy and when things go sideways he writes to release his emotions into the world. There was a record that he forgot to put back into its cover, Joni Mitchell. I sat on the floor, by the piano and let Joni's voice consume me. 'I've looked at love from both sides now / From give and take, and still somehow / It's love's illusions I recall / I really don't know love at all', she sang as tears fell down my face. Did I know love? Kaya wasn't a mistake, I wouldn't think that in a million years... but, did I dive head-first into a sea of emotions so strong, ignoring the fear that was essentially there to stop me from making mistakes that would hurt me? I'd do whatever it took to provide my baby girl with a childhood she wouldn't want to forget, that was something I was certain of. I didn't want to do it alone, I never imagined myself a single mother and no amount of time would make that fact sting any less. My hand reached for the old wooden table, in hopes of helping me get up from the floor and try sleeping the day off. The drawer opened after a simple, unintentional, pull and I noticed an envelope with Harry's writing on it. A letter addressed to Kaya. Would I go to hell if I read this? Who am I kidding, I don't even believe in hell!