Always You |harry styles| - completed

TWENTY-SEVEN

"That's not what I mean and you know it. What happens after both our tours end?", he scoffed a bit when I tried changing the tone of the conversation.

"I have no idea what happens next! Life continues, I presume!", I snapped, but my reaction and my anger was completely misplaced. I was really angry at myself for trying to make it seem like I, the girl that always thinks three steps ahead, haven't thought about how we'd continue seeing each other when the craziness of the tour comes to a halt.

"I feel like you're not fully here with me. I am falling in love with you and you're not giving me firm ground to stand on.", he continued, and it was obvious he was getting frustrated with my lack of sincerity regarding this whole situation.

"That's not true! I travel with you, I spend time with your friends, we have sex and we kiss, we laugh and have a good time. What's more to give?"

"You! You have to give me you, the real one, the one that lays underneath the layers of fun and loving Thea. You can't half-ass this thing anymore.", his words really hit a nerve.

"Excuse me? I am not half-assing anything. It's really unfair of you to even think that. I am here, aren't I? What would you like me to do? Tell you I'm madly and deeply in love? Bare my complete soul? This is a fantasy, Harry. This isn't real life. I have a job and a life outside this, and it won't always be compatible with your schedule. You can't expect me to become someone else, just because we've been having fun together.", as soon as I said it, I realized there would be no taking it back.

"It's not a fantasy for me! I am falling in love with you and I feel like I'm alone in it. Sure you kiss me and you say nice things, you're passionate when we're intimate... but that does not constitute all a relationship is and can be. You must know this! How can I let go of my fears and give into this feeling when I'm not sure you feel the same? Do you know how hard it was for me to be away from you for a month and not hear a single 'I miss you' from you?"

"That's not me and you knew this going in! I can't force myself to show emotion, it doesn't come easy to everyone. I don't even know how we got into this mess in the first place. I was stupid to think this relationship would be smooth sailing with our lives and the work we do. What you're asking of me is a bit too much too soon, I'm sorry. We've known each other for six months. It took me a year after I met Josh to tell him I loved him. How could you expect me to dive head first into something that has the potential to break my heart into a million pieces?!", the argument was getting more heated with every word spoken and weren't close to a conclusion. I wasn't even sure there could be a unanimous conclusion after this mess.

"Because you trust the person you're in a relationship with! That's what it means, letting go of fears and learning to trust the other person with your heart! When you decide to go all the way with someone you can't just stop before the finish line and say, 'ah well, that's it, I don't have more to give'. It's more than just calling someone every day and having sex with them! When you're in a relationship with another person you get to know yourself through the relationship, you reinvent a part of who you are.", his voice cracked a bit at the end, and I felt like a ton of bricks just hit me. What the hell was I doing?

"It took me a long time to learn to love myself, for who I am and I don't want to change that, now that I've finally reached a happy place within me. What happens when things go sideways? When you meet someone else, someone that's willing to be all the things you need them to be? When we spend months apart, only seeing each other over phone screens? What happens then? When I change who I am completely, only to let you love me and we don't work out? How can I continue living my life after we fall apart?"

"This has already gone sideways; it seems to me. And it's not because my lack of trying. It's because you only think about this ending, before even giving it a real shot. Let's go to bed, this is pointless.", and we did the one thing I was always taught not to do... we went to bed angry. I kept tossing and turning constantly, finally falling asleep just to be woken up by a nightmare of a fight I was having with Harry in my dreams. Around three in the morning I finally gave up on sleep and spent the rest of the night sitting on the balcony, staring at the waves. The sun rose and he was still asleep. I got ready and left him a note saying I'd think about things while home and that I was sorry. His eyes fluttered briefly when I pulled the heavy door open, but he fought to keep sleeping.

I spent the three hours on the flight to Croatia just thinking about our fight, how we were completely fine and happy and then all of a sudden he felt the need to ruin our happiness with questions about what happens next. I was angry at him, but also at myself. I couldn't understand how I could've believed him when he told me we'd take things slow and see where it leads us. He was the most open person I'd ever met, very in touch with his emotions... it would've been impossible for him to continue without getting concrete proof that I felt the same. I understood that much. What I struggled with was how he thought that approaching the situation with an argument would get him to where he wanted to be. He must've known what he was getting himself into when we had that long chat in April, after New York.

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A/N: you're gonna kill me, I know, but trust that all will be well in the end... also, this song fits perfectly. 

TPWK, always.

T