Always You |harry styles| - completed

TWENTY

"That is not nearly detailed enough to satisfy my desire to know everything that's happening in your life, but you don't have to go into details when it comes to the sex.", he urged me to share more and I realized that this was the first time I was actually speaking it into existence with someone other than Harry. Telling Chris doesn't count, since he's the boss and is required to know if I'll be able to do my job well, given these new circumstances.

"There's honestly not that much to tell, Josh... we're keeping it private; I'm still petrified by the public finding out and murdering my spirit with cameras and intrusive questions, we talked a lot about it and I still don't know how I feel. I know I've never wanted to be with anyone like I want to be with Harry, so I'm hoping that makes up for my lack of experience in dating rockstars.", my train of thoughts was interrupted by the man of the hour, wanting to know if I had landed and saying hi to Josh. I played Josh 'Sunflower vol.6' while we loaded the washing machines I wondered if my heart was going to almost burst every time I hear this song, or if it was just a current emotion.

"So you're going back to California in four days and then I won't see you for months?", Josh studied the tour schedule I presented him with after we got back to the apartment.

"Pretty much."

"And how do you feel about being on the go for such a long period of time?", our party of two moved to the sofa while Josh fiddled with the TV, trying to connect his Spotify to it.

"Man... I don't even know. I'm excited about travelling, but the rest of it is so foreign to me. It feels like working an endless festival that moves across state and country lines. I kind of want the first show to be over with, just so I'm certain everything works as it should.", Britney Spears abruptly started yelling at us about it being toxic and slipping up which made us both laugh.

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm your stereotypical gay friend but then I remember I'm not gay.", there was nothing that could send us both into hysterics like Josh's candid comments. This one almost made me spit up the wine I just ingested and a strong fear of missing out on more moments like this one followed. When I got into the entire event production business I never intended to do projects like world tours, it was mainly rallies, fundraisers and festivals I had in mind. Even though I was aware what a huge accomplishment it was, I still had doubts about managing to pull it off.

"Let's leave the laundry and deal with it tomorrow.", we were both too lazy to go down to the laundry rooms and get my washing.

"You Americans piss me off with your weirdness sometimes, you know? I mean who has air conditioning units in every apartment but doesn't have a washing machine? Why do you bow down to the washing machine gods and silently accept that you aren't able to wash your disgusting panties in the privacy of your own home?", it wasn't the wine talking... it was the European talking.

"I don't know dude! I've always lived like this, don't come at me.", he showed me the 'America explain-Kansas-Arkansas' video and we left it at that, because nothing could've topped that girl's rage towards the American way.

"On a more serious note... How do you really feel about the whole relationship thing?"

"I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I mean, I know I like him a lot and being with him is so fun. I think if we were normal people that lived in the same city and had normal jobs now would be the time to go on dates and get to know each other, test the way we'd function in a relationship. Unfortunately, we're not normal people and our circumstances are very much abnormal. The thing is... I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to be with him and I think the only way, right now, is to be in a relationship. Even a long distance one. If we were to continue being friends one of us would get too busy or meet someone else in the months we will spend apart. It's quite possible that this will turn out to be a big mistake in the sense of timing, because I'd never normally be in a 'relationship' after only having gone on two dates... That's why I'm trying to play it casual and not make grand gestures or a big deal out of it.", maybe my way of doing things would make our relationship messy and ultimately lead to its demise, but I couldn't jump in head first... not into this.

"No, I get it. It's okay to get attached quickly, if the person is a good match. But, that being said – you have to worry about the pace of things and it ultimately comes down to self-preservation."

"Exactly. It's a weird feeling because I often catch myself not being able to imagine life before meeting Harry, but at the same time I can see myself living without him if I don't get too attached to him right now. I don't know if I'm explaining myself, it may have come out way harsher than I intended it to... Let me try again. It's self-preservation in the sense that I can be in this general relationship-thing with Harry and we can flirt, cuddle, have sex, be fun and carefree but the moment I catch real feelings I have to be able to cut it out if it has more potential of hurting me than it has of making me happy.", it felt kind of wrong having this conversation with Josh, and not sharing my deepest feelings with Harry instead, but I couldn't make this sound any less cold if I tried to. He wouldn't understand where I was coming from and he'd label me as a 'can't fall in love' type. It's happened so many times in the past, that I stopped counting.

"That doesn't sound any better, honey. But I get it, because I know you. You need to be able to control your feelings around him because you think the control will save you from falling down the rabbit hole of love.", we were well onto our second bottle of wine, and I almost knocked it over when I realized that we spent this entire time only talking about me.

"Dude! I haven't even asked you about Alyssa. Sorry, how have you guys been?"

"That's because our relationship isn't nearly as exciting as yours. We're good. I feel strangely positive about her, it's very calm and stress free.", I felt almost jealous at his level of confidence when it came to Alyssa. The circumstances and the protagonists of the relationships were different, but I wanted so desperately to feel that calmness about my thing with Harry.

"I'm really happy for you two, you seem like a long-term thing and you deserve it."

We went to bed after finishing the second bottle of wine and Josh fell asleep almost instantly. I, on the other hand, kept tossing and turning, thinking about how maybe I made a mistake by not stating more clearly that this 'relationship' wasn't something as final as it sounded when I tried explaining it to Josh. There was no nice way of putting it and I wasn't going to call us 'fuck-buddies' or 'friends with benefits' because we were so much more than that, but I feared that my lack of speaking up about it would lead to Harry getting angry at me. What if he ended up resenting me for making him believe there was nobody I wanted to be with more than I wanted to be with him? It was all true, for right now... and I knew that I wouldn't fall in love with someone else on tour or anything like that, it was more the fact that my feelings on the topic were fluctuating from feeling confident in the decision we'd made to feeling like it was a mistake to tie ourselves to one another so early on in the friendship. I got up to have some water and ended up sitting at the dining table, listening to Sunflower vol.6, trying to channel the happiness I felt when we were together. It was funny how uncertain I became the moment I set foot on the plane, how the miles between us made me doubt my own capability to fall in love with him. That's a lie – I could see myself falling in love with Harry, I just didn't know if my brain would let me. I wanted it to, more than anything.

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A/N: I just love Josh! He's the absolute best... I'll really miss him when she goes on tour. 

TPWK, always. (Stream Walls, also)

T.