My Promise To You

Restless

BEN POV:

I finish trimming my beard. "Ben." I wipe a damp towel over my face and turn to Toni. "What's wrong?" I ask quietly. "Can we talk?" I pull her closer. I nod. "What?" I ask. "I think you need help." She whispers. "What?" I look at her confused. "Yesterday you were trying to fold a towel for 15 minutes." I look down. "Every time I bring it up you..." I shake my head. "Honestly it all started when I started testosterone." I whisper. "I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to stop T." I confess. She rubs my arm. "You should talk to your doctor." She whispers. "I already have. She's trying to figure something out." She pulls me closer. "Ok." She smiles. I sit on the counter. "How are your scares?" She ask quietly. "What?" I look at her confused. "You're chest." I lift my shirt. "It's been 15 years. I've built enough muscle for them to look like pecks." I smile. "You lost your mind that week after surgery." She whispers. "I'm not good with pain killers." I joke. She smiles. "I love you." She whispers barely audible. "I love you too, forever." She kisses me. "So we're getting stuff off our chest. We should talk about our sex life." I say nervously. She nods. "Ok. What's up?" She ask concerned. "I think we've talked about this before but, I can't remember 5 minutes ago most of the time." Toni chuckles a little. "I know you enjoy sex, we both know you do more than me." I place my hands in hers. "You don't really like the pleasure. I know babe. We've talked about this. You prefer that pleasure more on your own because you have more control over the situation. I know. It's ok." She smiles cupping my cheeks. "I just feel bad. Because last night-." She stops me. "It's ok. You told me to stop and I did. I oversl- over stepped." I laugh quietly. "Ha, you almost said that you overslept." I laugh at her. "Shut up." She looks down in embarrassment. "I hate you sometimes, you know that right?" I nod. "I love you too." We kiss a few times. "Mommy!" Toni lies her head on my shoulder. "Five minutes that's all I ask." She whispers before turning around to a horrified Jason. "Bud what's wrong?" She walks over and picking him up. "I had a bad dream." He cries. "It's ok. It's just a dream." She reassures our son. I go over to them. "What happened in the dream?" I ask quietly. "Can you tell us?" I ask moving hair out of his face. "I was in the f-first day day of school and all the kids were lau- laughing at at m-me." He explains crying into Toni's shoulder. Toni rubs his back. She looks at me sadly. Jason is horrified to start kindergarten, he's naturally a very anxious person and starting school for the first time is bringing his anxiety through the roof. "Bud. That's not gonna happen. Ok? Some kids might be mean at first, but that's just because they don't know you. Ok? You're not gonna get there and have everybody laughing at you. Everyone there is gonna be in the same boat as you." He looks at Toni even more horrified. "I'm going to be on a boat?!" He ask very panicked. "No! It's a expression!" Did I mention he was afraid of boats and water? No? Oh, well now you know! "Everything is going to be ok! Ok bud?" He nods. "Ok, do you want dad to bring you to bed?" He nods again already starting to fall asleep in Toni's arm. I take him from my wife and walk to Jason's room which was my brother Jason's old room as a kid. I lie him in his race car bed. He wanted it. "I love you bud. Just knock if you need us." He nods. "I love you too daddy." I kiss the top of his head. "Go to sleep." He quickly drifts off.

We're sitting in my doctors office. My knee bounces nervously. "Remember when you first started to notice changes?" Toni breaks her silence. She looks up from the magazine. "What?" I look confused. "When you started testosterone and you real started noticing the changes." She adds. I nod. "Remember when I every other word I said had some kind of voice crack and I sounded like a middle boy." We both laugh. The doctor walks in. "So I ran some test. Did you start taking any other medications around the time you started testosterone?" She ask quietly. "I started taking my anti-depressants." I whisper. She looks down. "You're gonna have to figure out which one is more important. I recommend going off testosterone for a bit until we can find one that works with your medications." I look down. "Is there anything else we can do?" She shakes her head. "I'm sorry." I look at Toni. "I guess I'll stop taking my antidepressants. Honestly I don't think I really need them anymore anyways." She nods.