Always You |harry styles| - completed

EIGHTEEN

"That's where the difference is... I'd prioritize having love in my life over everything else, always. But I understand your reluctance to do so in this situation. Logically, I agree with everything you're saying. Emotionally, I want to kiss the stupid rational part of you right out.", the last part made me laugh, and this situation was in desperate need of a bit of lightness.

"This means we're going in circles... you know that, right? If we can both separate the logical, rational part from the emotional, wishful thinking part and it ultimately doesn't help us reach a conclusion – we're going in circles.", I was getting a bit frustrated by the lack of solution when it came to our future. It would all hang somewhere in the air, nothing certain would come out of this conversation and it bothered me when a situation had no finality to it.

"It's almost time for you to start getting ready for your final tour meeting with Chris, and I have to meet with Jeff in a couple of hours, as well. How about we just leave it at that and come back with the tour schedules in hand?", Harry proposed and I just nodded. There was not much else we could do, at this point. We finished our coffees, both journaling in our notebooks, trying to make sense of it all by putting our opinions on an empty page in a notebook. I could tell it took everything in him not to yank my journal away from me and read the rawest thoughts I had on the topic, because he knew I'd never share them with him in the way I would with a blank piece of paper.

I managed to beat rush hour by leaving a bit earlier than necessary, and I spent the entire ride battling my inner demons. Images of all that could go wrong kept flooding my brain and I had to fight quite hard to block them from overpowering the images of all that could be wonderful. I think my main priority, since I'd never been in a similar situation before, would be to decide whether it was worth it. There'd be no point in listing the pros and the cons, since feelings usually came down to your gut. I could spend days coming up with one good thing that would balance out the bad and vice versa, but that wouldn't lead me to a conclusion. All good and bad aside, I had to follow my gut.

Chris noticed my distraction when we started dotting all the I's and crossing the T's but decided to let it go, temporarily, when I told him it was only lack of sleep that was problematic.

"Okay, the tour starts in L.A. for two days, then we move through California for three more days. We do Nevada next; Colorado and Washington State will follow. From Seattle we will hop down to Texas for two nights, New Orleans, Nashville and Atlanta. We're skipping Florida and going straight for Pennsylvania. New York is three nights and then we cross over to Canada. After that we have a week long break, because it's my daughter's birthday.", I just kept writing the cities and dates while mentally comparing them with the ones I knew from Harry's tour. We wouldn't be coinciding much, but the thought that my tour was shorter than his was a bit comforting. I could probably join him after we wrap up in Canada. That being said, if Jeff didn't decide to switch something up at the very last moment.

"Darling, are you following? What's wrong?", Chris stared me down, in a fatherly way, after noticing that I wasn't paying attention to him. This never happened to me before, that I was unable to get the job done because of an emotional hardship. I recalled how Josh told me that Harry could show me a whole new world... but I didn't think that new world would include less focus on my work and more sex.

"I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm a bit overwhelmed. It's about Harry, actually. We've kind of spent every day for the past week together and I've just been thinking how hard it's going to be not seeing him for such long periods of time. Our tours cross paths in Los Angeles and then not again before Europe...", my rambling was amusing Chris to an extent, but my breaths kept getting shorter and shorter. I could not allow myself to have a panic attack in front of who was, essentially, my employer.