Mind of His

29. Tears Left to Cry

Somehow I made it back to my apartment. Adam had wrapped his jacket around me and Georgia helped me into the cab and took me home. And suddenly the next morning, I was on a plane to North Carolina, my mind and body numb. The woman's voice on the phone was a sound I couldn't get out of my head. My sister, her baby Clementine... dead. It didn't make any sense.

As the tears sprang into my eyes, I finally resorted to pulling out my headphones and playing whatever music had last been playing on my phone. Some dreary song about fake love was playing, and a single tear slipped down my red cheek as I stared out into a grey abyss outside the window.

My niece, dead.

Why? Why did this have to happen? She was only four years old. She had a full life to live that she never got to and never would get to experience. Her sweet little face...

By now I was shaking, tears streaming down my face. I only realized someone was tapping my shoulder after their sixth or seventh tap. An old, tired looking woman with a grey afro was staring at me with a concerned look on her face. I sniffed and pulled out an earbud.

"You alright honey?" she asked softly. I gave her a shaky smile. "Yeah, thank you," was all I could muster.

She nodded, seeming to understand that I didn't want to talk, and with one last sorrowful and encouraging look put her sleeping mask over her eyes.

I turned my attention to the grey outside the window. Just then, a sad, longing, soft song began playing and for whatever reason, my soul quieted my crying heart to listen to the words.

"In the clouds
Where the angels sing
In your eyes
Where I wanna be
And her smile
It's all I see..."

It was Zayn. Singing to me. In the clouds.

"I need somebody to
Love me blue..."

I'd completely forgotten about him and how he was supposed to pick me up for a studio day. Now, besides sadness, I felt guilt too, but I still listened to the words, some sort of hope in my heart.

"In the clouds
Where the angles sing
It's her smile
Yeah it's so glassy..."

I could see Clementine's sweet, pink little face, smiling up at me. And her big, bright blue eyes...

"I need somebody to love
Love me blue
Love me blue..."

One last tear slipped out of my eye.

"Love me
Blue."

With the final chord of the piano, I came to the realization that the song had ended, and it was like all those emotions were suddenly closed off too. Like I had no more tears left to cry.

I knew I needed to notify Zayn that I wouldn't be able to make it to the studio today, so I pulled out my phone and was met by my tear stained face in the reflection of the dark screen. I stared at it for a second before unlocking my phone, opening my messages, and sending a quick text to Zayn. Then I slept for the rest of the flight.

*******

"Fiona Chadwick?" asked the woman in scrubs at the desk. There was a sorry look in her eyes but encouraging look on her face.

"Yes," I said softly. "Here for Lill- Lillian Chadwick." I choked slightly saying her name. It had been too long since I had said her name. Too long since I had last seen her.

"Right this way, ma'am," she said, and I wafted down the hallway after her.

I ended up in a room where a woman was lying with an oxygen mask on her face. I stood at the end of the room, numb.

"I'll give you a private moment," said the nurse. I was grateful, but couldn't muster up a single word. As soon as the door shut behind her, I rushed over to my sister's side.

At seeing her resting face, a sob escaped from my chest and I violently grabbed for her hand. "Lilly! Lilly, babe, I'm right here. Right here, Lilly." My breathing became heavy and forced.

"P-please, please wake up. It's going to be ok! It's gonna be ok," I cried, the desperation in my voice. I squeezed her hand so tight, I felt I could never let go.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, resting my head against her body. "I'm so, so sorry."

Sorry this happened to you.

Sorry you had to go through this.

Sorry I wasn't there.

Sorry that it's often the terrible moments that bring us together.

There was so much that I felt and couldn't put into words that I knew she couldn't hear anyway. I stayed by her side for I don't know how long until the nurse came to check on us.

She smiled a sorry smile, peeping her head through the door. "Are you alright, ma'am?" she asked sweetly. I squeezed Lilly's hand a little tighter and shook my head, no words escaping me.

She joined me at the side of the bed. "We think she's going to be alright," she said, patting my shoulder.

I realized it had never occurred to me that it was possible she wouldn't.

*******

Bad dreams can sometimes make reality seem less scary. You wake up and are grateful that reality doesn't carry the same horrors of the dreams of the night.

It isn't that way with me.

That night in my hotel room, sleep felt like torture. I woke up the first time with a jump, feeling the impact of a car crash - the car accident of my sister. Once I fell back asleep, I was tormented by the sounds of a crying baby - poor sweet Clementine. The third time I woke up was from another strange, lucid dream.

It began with me riding in the back of a car on a highway at night. I could suddenly hear multiple sirens, and they got so loud that I needed to cover my ears.

Then was the smash.

I felt the impact of the car and my head was whipped back as time slowed. The crunching metal, the shattering glass- it all felt too real.

I was left sitting in the middle of the road which was now empty. Adam came running from behind me. "Fiona! Are you okay? You're bleeding, what happened?" But I was distracted by something else.

Another car came flying towards us, and I screamed, expecting it to run us over. It missed us by inches but crashed into the burning remnants of my car.

I jumped to my feet and ran to the wreckage, but my feet moved so slowly. I could see both Lillian and Clementine in the back, Lillian hugging her daughter for dear life, trying to protect her little head.

And for some reason, in every dream, there was always Zayn. In the darkness, out of reach.

His eyes lost their gold and his beautiful face was a shadow.

And again, the sounds of crying Clementine. I got no more than an hour total of sleep that night.