As I wake, voices surround me.
I squint as the white walls seem brighter than usual.
"Hanna!" Niall smiles, rubbing my hand as I regain sight of everything around me.
"Niall.." I squeak, smiling weakly as I look into his eyes.
"They know..." I silently scold myself for being so careless.
I knew they'd find out about my illness. I should've been more careful about telling them.
This was not how I thought it'd be.
"They want to put you on medication." Niall admits, looking into my eyes.
"I'm not doing it. I can't do it." I sigh, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
"They want you to be better, they want you to be healthy and alive." Niall sighs, nodding at me. A part of me thinks he wants me on medication too.
"Don't you see?" I ask them all, looking around at each of them. "I want this. I want to die."
Silence is heard around the room.
Almost a deadly silence.
"Hanna..." Niall starts but I cut him off.
"No, you guys can't sit here and watch me die, I won't allow that. Leave me alone."
"I don't think tha-"
I look down, and attempt to sit up. As soon as I do, I regret it. A sharp pain in the side of my stomach stops me from moving.
I glare at Zayn and watch him leave, the others following.
I look down, and I find a clear tube attached to me.
I follow the tube up, and find the orange liquid that has been flowing in my system.
Chemotherapy.
Niall is the last to leave the room. As soon as I lose sight of them, I turn to the doctor.
"Mr. Stevens, please..."
"I'm sorry Hanna, but I can't do anything now." He sighs, a sly frown across his face.
"I don't want this. This fucking medication makes me feel worse. Stop it. I hate feeling this way." I choke, tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
"Hanna, I wish I could help you, but I can't change it now. The boys have already paid for it, and it's already been attached. I wish I could help you Hanna, I really do. I'm so sorry it came to this." He admits and leaves the room. His eyes were glossy, almost as if he could've cried, then and there.
"I don't want this." I mumble to myself, fiddling with the tube that carries the medication I don't need.
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I've only got a week or two left to live.
Life's going downhill.
I haven't wanted to do much.
I've been sleeping most of the time.
I don't have the energy to do anything now. I feel so weak, and useless. I might as well stay inside.
My eyes trail to the medication on the small bedside table, and I ponder about it.
Should I take them?
All the boys left. They've been staying in a hotel for a week, Niall left his phone here, and he hasn't come back for it.
I ignore my thoughts and quickly glance out the window.
Perfect weather for a swim..
I throw my head back as I swallow the medication.
Not long after, I feel great.
My energy is up, my spirit is up.
I feel happier already.
Throwing on a black dress, applying some make up and curling my hair, I jump into the pool.
Without a second thought stopping me, I try my hardest to stay at the bottom of the pool.
I wanted to look pretty.
If the doctors won't take me off it, I'll just have to end it all together.
I find a way to grip to the pool flooring, holding my breath, eyes squeezed shut.
Please, let me die.
The front door opens...
Why is this taking so long? I thought it'd be quicker.
He wanders around the house, calling out for her.
I lose my breath and struggle to breath. I can't take this anymore.
He checks in her room, finding the empty bottle of pills on the table, pills on the floor.
I hold on, knowing that in a few moments, this will be over.
He calls her name once again.
It should be almost over by now, right?
He notices her stuff down by the pool and sprints outside, catching a glimpse of her limp body, holding itself at the bottom.
Two hands grab my by the arms and pull me above the water.
I gasp for breath, avoiding eye contact with Niall.
"Why did you do that?" He asks me furiously.
"I can't do it anymore." I admit, holding a hand to my chest. Mascara and eyeliner running down my cheeks as I cry.
I have to try other ways.
"What would your mother say if she found out about you trying to drown yourself?" Niall asks me, his blue eyes staring into mine with an unknown emotion.
"I wasn't trying to drown myself. I was swimming." I lie, avoiding his deadly gaze.
"I was swimming." He mocks me, his voiced filled with what seems to be anger. "What? Swimming at the bottom of the pool without moving and holding your breath?"
I don't have anything to say, mainly because I'm stuck in my own conversation with myself.
You can always try it with a knife.
Trains are good too.
I shake my head vigorously, trying to get the voices out my head.
"You were so close to dying!" Niall shouts at me. I thought that maybe he was angry, but now I think he's more disappointed.
I didn't mean for him to see this. This wasn't what I'd planned.
"I..."
"No, Hanna stop. Why would you do this to yourself?"
"I can't do this Niall. You've gotten me on Chemo, I can't think straight, this medication makes me feel sick. I can't do it Niall, not anymore."
"It's just the medication. You'll get better soon, you'll be healthy and breathing." Niall lies. I know I'm not going to get better. It won't just disappear.
I shake my head and stand to my feet.
I look at Niall, and then at the water beside me.
"No." He shakes his head and wraps his arms around me.
--------------------------------
Oooh. What's gonna happen?
Is this exciting you? I don't know if I should continue it...
Should I?
Anyway, enjoy little cupcakes.
xx
