Flower Boy (BoyxBoy)

lxvii

edd.

"SO, EDD, HOW ARE YOU AND KEVIN SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?"

I look up from my hands slowly, trying to think of what to say. Miss Salid is sitting comfortably behind her desk, directly in front of me. Today, she's wearing a beautiful lavender hijab that adds a splash of color to her long black dress that covers her arms and legs. I run past the events of the past week in my head.

On Saturday, I had school and work, both of which were fine. That was the day Kevin left. I cried a lot that night.

On Sunday, I slept until Eddy forced me out of bed. At 11, I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for thirty minutes, letting the noise of the running shower fill my ears until I don't even realize it's there anymore. My shower lasted an hour and a half, and I found myself crying as lukewarm water trickled onto my cheeks.

Monday morning was okay; I woke up early, but my motivation quickly dissipated as I laid in bed until 10 a.m. At 11, I sat in class and tried to focus on the 3-hour lesson, but I checked my phone a little too often to see if Kevin texted. He didn't.

On Tuesday, I had an anxiety attack in the middle of class. It started with a sudden spike in my heart rate and sweaty palms. Then, it escalated to quick, short breaths and a feeling of impending doom lurking in my stomach. All of the hushed whispers and scratching pens sounded like loud static in my ears, and the video booming through the speakers at the front of the room sounded like thunder. I looked desperately across the classroom at my peers, trying to figure out what to do, the panic only increasing the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. Quickly, as I had no other ideas on what to do, I shoved my things into my backpack and practically ran out of the dark classroom. I kept my eyes on the floor to avoid the suspicious stares of my peers, but I know they were looking. I could feel them watching. The bathroom became my sanctuary as I took slow breaths with my face buried behind my shaking hands, the same hands I used to call Eddy. He was at work, but he stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down.

Wednesday was too dreary. The clouds covered the sun and released dense rain that slammed against my windows. I emailed all of my teachers that morning to let them know that I was too sick to go to class. After that, I sat in bed and slept. The only medication I took that day were those for my anxiety, leaving the depression medication alone so I could just sleep until whenever my body decided to wake me up. I didn't wake up until 11 p.m. that same day, so I ate a few melatonin gummies to guide myself back into a peaceful slumber.

Kevin called me on Thursday. Seeing his name pop up on my phone, paired with an intense vibration to the rhythm of a heartbeat, created a pocket of anxiety right in the pit of my stomach. I almost didn't answer, but of course, I've been waiting for him to call for the past two weeks. He spoke so gently that I almost immediately forgave him. Almost. After his call, I ended up getting drunk with Eddy and his friends but still distracted by our conversation. All I could think about was Kevin and what he's thinking and what he's doing, if he's drinking, if he's eating--it completely made me forget my inhibitions. I drank until I couldn't think straight, even if at the end, it was just the stars that kept me company. And then, Kevin turned up. Completely out of the blue; he walked in like a burglar but took off his hood and revealed his vulnerability to me. I don't remember the rest of that night, but I do know that I fell asleep with a beautiful warm feeling in my body.

He left Thursday morning with a kiss and an apologetic, "I love you, Eddward," before he drove back home for Christmas, which is this Monday. I felt significantly better that day, but an anxious feeling settled inside me once again. I went throughout the day per usual; school, work, groceries, home. Kevin sent me a good night text at ten o'clock p.m, which made me happy. It kind of reassured me that everything was going to be okay.