Flower Boy (BoyxBoy)

xxxi

edd.

I FEEL ANXIOUS TODAY. Not anxiety-attack anxious, but anxious enough that I feel like something is wrong. Like biting-my-nails anxious, or tapping-my-fingers anxious. As if I have too much energy.

It has been three days, and I still can't forget about my recording. I don't know what it is about me but it seems that whenever I do something important or different, my mind immediately assumes the worst possible outcome.  Is it just me who feels this?  

The winter is almost settling in as November begins. It's dawn at five in the morning which means that it's dark at six in the evening, and while I don't particularly mind waking up as the sun rises, the darkness makes me want to sleep. Sleeping at seven o'clock at night is not healthy or good for me, especially with cold weather bringing out my depression.  I know already that the first day of snow will be the hardest day of the year for me.

I walk to work with my earbuds in my ears, listening to instrumental music from a Japanese band I can't remember the name of and try to forget about the recording. I feel like it shouldn't bother me this much. I was just talking to my therapist. And possibly to a whole classroom of students.

I sigh and step into the flower shop. The smell of freshly watered soil is refreshing and immediately changes my depressed mood. I smile as I walk to the back. The backroom is small and is used for breaks or wrapping the loose flower bouquets on the large barn wood table in the center. After hanging up my jacket, I begin to take care of what I need to, which includes the list of orders on the wall behind the register.

Walking between the various shelves of flora, I begin to lose myself in my work. My gaze moves from a list of flowers to the shelves as I start watering all of the perennials.

kevin.

AFTER LISTENING TO THE TAPE, I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I just sat in the computer lab with my headphones in my ears and my mouth open. It's definitely him; definitely the Edd I want to learn so much about. Am I learning too much?

Suddenly I'm regretting all of my choices. I shouldn't have meddled and I shouldn't have bartered my old patient for Edd. Maybe it was a sign from God I should have just minded my own business when I got that girl. But on the other hand, maybe it was a sign from God that I am supposed to help Edd and understand him more since I ended up getting him.

God is too confusing.

"Okay, class, once you've finished writing your analysis and notes on the session, you're free to go," Mr. Warren says.

Fifty percent of the class leaves, which makes me want to leave too. I scribble a bullshit analysis and shut down my computer at the same time, and stand up. As I walk out of the lab, Mr. Warren stops me.

"How was the session, Kev?" He asks me.

"It was a lot," I say. "I learned a lot of stuff about my patient."

"That's great," he smiles.

"I'm not sure. Isn't it kind of bad to listen to this kid's life just for a class project?"

"They signed up for it, you know. They signed a waiver."

"I feel bad about it, though," I say. I didn't mean to say it like that. It makes me sound like a dork.

Mr. Warren puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles. "The stories that you'll hear from your patient will be a mixture of good and bad things. You'll hear things that will stay with you forever, and as a therapist, you must stay strong for your patient. You're their rock! You need to help them through it. The point of this is to understand how to understand patients with severe and toxic mental disorders, and after listening to the sessions, I'm sure you'll learn more about it."