Flower Boy (BoyxBoy)

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IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK SINCE I'VE SEEN KEVIN. He hasn't called or texted since his sudden departure, and I haven't tried either, because I've figured out that he's the one who needs some time. I asked Ms. Salid about this, and she told me that he is probably dealing with his thoughts alone. She thinks that he feels guilty; like he doesn't feel like he can forgive himself.

It saddens me very, very deeply that he's fighting so hard with himself over this incident. I feel like there are ways we can get through this together. Couples therapy, simple conversation—whatever he needs, we can do for him.

Since we've known each other, I've realized, even after this whole fiasco, that Kevin is the only person who has listened to my boundaries. He doesn't see me as someone who is weak or broken. He understands me. He loves me! And I feel like I might love him too. I've never thought so much about someone; never worried over or wanted to talk to someone as often as I do with Kevin. He's starting to make me love myself. No matter how many times I've screwed up or tried to push myself too hard, he's always there to comfort me. He doesn't make me feel bad about my anxiety, he helps me through it. Oh my goodness, I think I love him.

He should know. Should I text him? Should I call him? It feels so strange to be in this middle ground after an argument where neither party is completely sure what the other thinks. It's like an awkward purgatory. I can't help feeling annoyed by what Kevin is doing, too, which makes me feel bad but when I'm left alone and unsure about the future, how else should I feel?

The more I ponder Kevin and what he might be thinking, every thought leads to the same one in the end--Kevin will want to break up with me. I get anxious just thinking about it, so I try to distract myself.

I've been pacing around my room with only my lamp for light tonight, hugging myself with my phone in my hand, trying to build up the courage to call him. I stop and stare at my phone, blank of any messages from Kevin Barr.

Just do it, I tell myself. Turn on your phone and call your boyfriend before it's too late.

I take in a deep breath. Okay.

I turn on my phone and tap on my recent messages. He isn't too far down. I tap his name and stare at his phone number. I just have to tap that--All I have to do is touch that number and I can call him and tell him how I feel about this situation.

I force myself to look at my phone. My eyes move to his contact for a few minutes, analyzing his photo and the way his name looks on my phone. After a while, I sigh and fall onto my bed in disappointment. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight, but I close my eyes and try my hardest to quiet my mind for at least a few hours.

After my night of tossing and turning, I managed to get myself up and to work around nine o'clock. It feels foreign to be here as soon as the store opens, now that I've started school and can usually only work evening shifts. The Loft has changed for the winter season, now holding more poinsettias, hand-made natural wreaths, and strings of decorative holiday tinsel. At this point in the year, it gets hard to tell which decorations are ours and which are for sale, since most of the store is heavily covered in its own decor. The small store has tinsel strung around the perimeter of the walls, and wreaths on every door.

It may be hard to tell, but my bosses love the holiday season. I've never had too much of an opinion about Christmas because my family is an atheist household, and my parents are rarely home around the holidays. Usually, I sit at home and read or study, just like any other day.

But this year Eddy's staying with me and he's forcing us to celebrate Christmas. Maybe not forcing, but he recommended it persistently until this morning when he took me shopping for a Christmas feast; a celebration with all of our friends with bountiful food and alcohol. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited! I think a part of me has always wanted to explore what Christmas has to offer.