Write Me A Letter

13 | pit

/ CHAPTER THIRTEEN - PIT /

       THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL WAS WORSE. There was just this feeling of dread inside Brie's stomach, that feeling that made her skin sweat and prickle. She didn't want to go to school and see Izzy and Xander, but lying to her mom that she was sick wasn't something she could do, so she braved the way to her first class.

Paula was there to support her, yet again as they waited for Mr. Simmons to walk through the door after excusing himself. This time, she sat next to Brie at their Physics class with both feet kicked up on the empty chair in front of her. Paula's blonde hair was up in a high ponytail, but she left the pink streak dangling at the side of her face, making her face smaller and brighter. Brie drowned out her friend's pep talk, eyes trained on her bright yellow, Spongebob crop-top. She sighed, wishing she looked as happy as Spongebob did in that shirt.

"Right?"

"I'm sorry, what was that?" she asked, completely oblivious to what her friend was blabbing on about.

Paula gave her a look. "I said, we should just eat at another table. I'm sure after that yesterday you don't wanna sit with them."

She couldn't help the wince that tore through her face as she remembered how Izzy came up to her at the mall. She still felt awful. It was like she was a kid who was chastised for dipping her finger into another kid's bowl, and as the hours wore on, she was starting to question her decisions and everything she did altogether.

Maybe Izzy was right. She shouldn't just have asked Xander to exchange letters with her. Maybe in her head, it helped her to move on but subconsciously it was a petty excuse to stay close to him. Well, as close as she ever was to him anyway.

Fred Duncan and Mo Lewis's laughter erupted in the room, turning a few heads. Brie traced her bottom lip with her finger, watching the two talk animatedly about a game they were playing on their phone. She turned to Paula. "Do you think he knows?"

"Who? Xander?" She snorted. "Girl, it doesn't matter. Izzy's the girlfriend. He won't go and reprimand her for barricading her man."

"I just thought that maybe he isn't aware. It makes it a lot less pitiful than it already is."

Paula was silent for a while. Her brows were pulled together and cheeks puffed up with air. She looked like a fish, a fish who was trying to come up with the right words to say. "I know Xander's opinion matters to you, but Brie, honey, let it go, please. I'm not trying to dictate what you should do with your life or what decisions you should make but honestly, I don't think being subtle would get things through your head. Whether or not he's aware of what his girlfriend did, it won't change the fact that they're together and having Izzy tell you to back-off the way she did won't change that. Like, at all."

How would Brie describe it? A slap in the face? A bucket of water or maybe a dip in the ice-cold river. No matter how it was, she was left feeling out of breath as if her heart was clenching and then expanding so much that it could explode. Paula was right, it didn't matter. It shouldn't matter but in a way, it did to her.

That was something she always thought was unjust about love, the people you care for, no matter how much they've hurt you, they would always matter. Always.

Until you don't let them matter anymore. But she wasn't sure if she was brave enough to let go of the hope that one day Xander would see her beyond that girl who always hung out in the same group as he did. It was that stupid hope that brought her to this day—always wondering, always grappling even just for the slightest ray of light.  Maybe it was this toxic hope that took the natural light in her life anyway.