Christian insisted that he would drive them, he always had and he had no intention of stopping now. He had told Bjorn in no uncertain terms that he would have his hands full with Anna and he didn't want him having to concentrate on anything else but her and so for once Bjorn did not argue, he really had no clue what he was going into, Lena had not wanted him to come in with her despite his protestations and even then her chemo was more tablet based and her hospital visits were only for 3 months. He had listened carefully yesterday to what Frida and Linda had said, Linda had been planning to come today, for the first day but she was feeling terribly sick and didn't feel able to go into the clinic. What he did know for sure is that he would not leave Anna's side, no matter how bad it got. He didn't think he would ever forgive himself for not being here from the start and from what Frida had said he was in for a rough road.
Frida had pulled him to one side after they finished their meeting yesterday while Anna was occupied with Tilda making sure that she was aware of what was happening and ensuring she was happy and settled with all that Anna was prepared to tell her. Frida had told him to put his coat on and come for a walk with her, she hadn't taken no for an answer and they strolled arm in arm through Anna's garden "You know why we're out here Bjorn, I need to talk to you. I can't let you go in there unprepared tomorrow with her, it just wouldn't be fair on either of you. She is so bloody brave Bjorn, she doesn't complain but it does hurt her, her skin does blister in front of your eyes and you see it tracking down her veins, she tries not to scream and she'll hold onto you like you are her only anchor. One minute she's boiling hot, then she freezes, she can't regulate her body temperature. You need to keep her distracted, music films, chat. We spent the whole day one day talking about you and Benny and how much we loved your stupid arses and how we met you both, it whiled away hours" Frida rolled her eyes and giggled "I'd love to have heard that conversation Frida" Bjorn sighed "I find it hard to believe she loves me again" Frida was gentle "she doesn't love you again darling, she never stopped and neither did you" Bjorn smiled "I know, ridiculous isn't it but I'll spend the rest of my life making sure she knows it" "I love Benny just the same so we are all ridiculous" Frida said laughing "and he loves me" "he really does" Bjorn agreed "What else Frida?" "Keep her drinking on the first day, by day 2 her mouth is full of blisters and she struggles to drink or eat anything at all. It makes her dizzy so she can't walk without support. By day 2 she won't make it to the car, Christian carries her because the wheelchair hurts her badly" "I'll carry her" Bjorn scowled "Sometimes she has hallucinations, she sees Tomas, she sees you and she begs for you to come and help her and she always says she's sorry but she doesn't see you, well she didn't see me. What she needs is touch but it hurts her sometimes, regardless of that she will never let go of your hand and she's horrendously sick from day two onwards. You think you've seen her being sick but when she's in the middle of it I've never seen anything like it and I don't know where she gets the strength from" Frida paused for breath "It's awful darling but you have to be strong for her and pull her through Bjorn, we'll come maybe on the last day when she finishes" "I'm terrified Frida" he admitted "but I need to go with her, I need to prove to her I won't leave, I need to take the weight off Linda and Christian, I need to talk to her doctors for myself" "I know you do" she soothed him "and we'll be here for you both when you come home"
He thought back over the conversation as he made sure Anna was comfy in the back of Christians truck and then put the bag he had packed in the boot and her red blanket that smelled of home, he hopped in the back with her and Christian put the screens down and made sure they had the bucket. Bjorn put his seatbelt on and grasped Anna's hand tightly "Baby, there won't be one moment when I'm not with you. Do you understand?" She lifted her eyes and said "I'm so scared Bjorn" "You've done this so many times before and now we are on the last run. Baby you're so close" "Not about that " she whispered "I'm scared that you won't deal well with this, that it'll bring back bad memories. I don't want it to scare you and what if you hate me or are disgusted by me? What happens if someone sees you and Lena finds out? I don't want you to suffer" She was getting into a panic Bjorn considered so he did the one thing he knew would calm her, he put his hand at the nape of her neck and massaged it gently then pulled her towards him inexorably and kissed her in mid sentence. He felt her relax against him and he pulled away just enough to mumble against her lips "Anna baby, hush your noise. The only way I'll suffer is if you DON'T let me come with you, if you DON'T let me care for you. He kissed her gently again. "You'll break my heart if you don't let me love you baby. I need to be here with you Anna. Nothing is more important to me than you and our children" "but...." "There are no buts baby, I could never ever be disgusted by anything about you, I won't be frightened away from you and I won't let it bring back bad memories. My sole purpose in life this week is to be with you and come what may I love you, I refuse to leave you. I could not care less if I'm seen with you. I could not care less if Lena sees me with you. I'm so fucking proud to be by your side, I will deal with whatever comes" He wiped away Anna's ready tears and settled back "I love you" she whispered "Just in case you ever forget" He squeezed her hand "I know and I love you too, I'll never forget" he looked out of the window and was surprised to see that they had long left Ekero, he grinned quietly as he admired his son's outright sneakiness in getting Anna out of Ekero while she wasn't looking, it gave her less to worry about.
A 40 minute drive found them on the other side of Stockholm and pulling into what looked like an underground carpark that was signposted delivery only. It was very dark and gloomy but Christian obviously knew where he was going. He pulled the truck into a space near the deliveries door and hopped out to get the stuff from of the boot "Come on Mama, this is the last Monday we will do this, I love you" Anna smiled as she got out "Are you going to say that everyday?" "Yep, every day, just so you remember how far we've really come" he said firmly. He picked up her bags and blanket and locked the truck before leading the way. Bjorn took Anna's hand and tucked it firmly in his, he frowned as he felt her try to pull it away "Bjorn don't worry, you don't have to hold my hand in public" she said quietly "Anna, I love you but there are times when you do talk absolute rubbish baby" He took firmer hold of her hand and smiled at her "I'll always hold your hand whether we are in public or not, now come on let's get this over with" "God you're so bossy" Anna mumbled but he was gratified to feel her hand relax and her fingers twine around his.
They followed Christian through a myriad of corridors and into the unit. As soon as they walked in Bjorn could feel Anna starting to tremble but you wouldn't have known it from looking at her. She greeted the nurses with a megawatt smile and asked if she was in the same room as usual he squeezed her hand in reassurance and she returned the gesture.
They were directed to the room that she would be in and Christian carried her stuff in and set it down "Want me to stay for a bit Mama?" "No darling, you go and do what you need to do. I have Papa. We'll see you back here later?" "Of course, I'll come in and get you Mama. You might need a lift" he grinned at her and hugged his Papa "Call me if you need me, I'm in the office today so I'm not far but I'll see you at 1800. I love you both very much"
Bjorn looked around the room, as clinics went it wasn't too bad, it had a double bed and was painted pastel colours. It had an en suite toilet and shower. He looked out of the window and saw a pretty decent view of Stockholm rooftops and he could just see water. It had a TV and a dvd player and when he checked his phone it had WiFi too. He turned back around and said "it's nicer than I was expecting baby" "It's ok isn't it, we all have rooms not just me" Bjorn bustled about while she was getting sorted, he unpacked his bag and took out his laptop, his Bluetooth music system, some DVDs and some books. He took out a red cup with a metal straw poking out of the top that she had never seen before and a bottle of squash. He fetched out a pile of paperwork and his phone charger. "Anything else in there?" Anna enquired gently amused "Yes but that's for later. This is my first day, tomorrow I'll know what you need rather than guessing" He flapped her blanket out over the bed. "There, that looks better" he said. "What do we do now?" he asked. Anna looked at her watch "they'll come and do my base obs soon, they'll try and make me eat breakfast so my blood sugars aren't low then the doctor will come and connect me to my first bag of poison" "Ok, so we will eat breakfast won't we Anna and then we wait" "I don't like the food here" was her excuse. "Anna, don't make excuses. I will eat whatever it is with you" Anna had to smile. "I'll try baby" Anna managed to eat some porridge and toast under Bjorn's watchful eyes but as he ate his he decided he would bring her some food with him in the morning, he could understand why she didn't like the food here it was terrible he considered and he couldn't imagine that it set her up well for the day
In good time the doctor came in and gave Anna a preemptive painkiller through her cannula and connected her chemo to her cannula "Miss Faltskog, as always I am sorry that we can't make this easier for you. You are just in the minority that react so extremely to this but it is still the most effective treatment I'm afraid" he said. Anna smiled and said "I know you do your best, I have no complaints at all" "Is there anything that you can to to alleviate her sickness? It is debilitating for her and possibly one of the worst parts of it" Bjorn asked carefully. Anna nodded at the doctor when he raised a questioning eyebrow. He took that as assent "Unfortunately she is on the highest dose of the anti sickness drug that she is currently taking, the other medications seemed to make her feel sicker" Anna nodded in agreement "I'm just one of the unlucky ones Bjorn, the others were awful" "Mr Ulvaeus, I'm very glad that Miss Faltskog has your support, it's good to see you here. I can assure you that we have her best interests at heart and we will try everything possible and we have tried many different drugs. It is unfortunate that she suffers so but this course of treatment, long and arduous though it is gives her the best chance of survival." "Her pain level is very high, can anything more be done to ease her pain?" Bjorn was not prepared to let the doctor go until he had answered all his questions "Unfortunately morphine makes some people feel sick and with Miss Faltskog she is one of the few that cannot tolerate high doses of morphine, it makes her feel sick on top of the chemo and it slows her breathing down too much. She is at risk of choking on her own vomit when she has higher doses of morphine. She was in hospital last winter with a chest infection after she aspirated vomit during a particularly bad episode, since then we have limited morphine to the bare minimum to ease the worst of her pain, she has other drugs for pain which aren't as effective but have less risk" Bjorn's eyebrows shot up and he locked eyes with Anna, she knew what he was about to say and her eyes dropped. They were interrupted by the doctor saying "I can understand that you need to talk with me, let me connect Miss Faltskog up, I'll go and check on my other patients and then you'll have my undivided attention for 15 minutes is that acceptable?" Bjorn snapped himself out of it and replied "Thank you so much, yes that would be great. There is no hurry" The doctor connected up the first drip, made sure it was dispensing correctly and left them to it. Bjorn kicked his boots off and slid onto the bed next to her and propped himself against the headboard, he carefully tucked her into his side, brushed her fringe out of her eyes and kissed her forehead "Hospital Anna?" he sighed "It wasn't so bad Bjorn, I needed oxygen and antibiotics for a few days" she mumbled "It must have been pretty bad for them to take you into hospital, when exactly was this?" he grumbled There was a silence that made his eyes narrow slightly "Anna?" he questioned "New Year's Eve" Anna admitted reluctantly "I couldn't catch my breath that's all" He sighed again as he thought back to his own new years eve, he had argued fiercely with Lena and she had gone out with her friends. He'd spent it with Benny at Rival working, they'd had a few drinks and commiserated together about their unhappiness and Bjorn had asked Benny if he knew how she was, he hadn't heard from her either so he had been unable to ease Bjorn's mind. He remembered how black he had been feeling at that time and on the one hand marveled at how far they had all come and how happy he was now and on the other he was distraught that she had been in hospital very ill and he hadn't known. He'd have been with in a heartbeat if she'd have given him the chance "Anything else you think I might need to know Anna?" he asked quietly "I don't know, I've had thousands of appointments darling, I can't remember them all. In fact I try to forget them" was her honest answer Bjorn understood her viewpoint and clarified his concerns "How many times has this put you into hospital and made you poorly Anna?" "I came in for a biopsy in the May, I was in overnight, then I had a lumpectomy later in the May. That was 2 nights in then nothing until my double mastectomy in early December. Then I was in for a fortnight. I begged them to let me come home for Christmas and I was lucky, I got out in time."she grumbled a little and rubbed round her cannula and her hand searched for his. He caught it and held on "It's ok baby" he soothed "It burns already" she whispered. He distracted her by continuing their conversation "so you came home for Christmas just to spend it alone?" Bjorn asked trying to understand. Anna was patient, she knew he needed to know so she tried her best to explain how she had been feeling then "Bjorn as far as I was concerned I had been given a death sentence at the time and I was only prolonging the inevitable. I wanted to live but depression battered me pretty hard. People were staring at me all the time and whispering. Well it felt like they were" she conceded "I felt so ill that I thought I would die, I wanted to die at Ekero where no one would stare at the shell of what was once the sexiest woman in the world. I have some pride Bjorn" "I know you do baby" he soothed "I just wanted to be in my own bed and feel safe and I wanted to be with everyone" "How did you hide it from the kids?" "They know I've been ill, they know I've had an operation. Tilda is old enough to know that I have breast cancer but she doesn't know how aggressive this is" and that reminded him "What did you talk about the other day? What did she want you for?" Anna smiled "she's met a boy, she likes him. He asked her out" Bjorn's eyebrows shot up into his hairline for the second time that day "Anna she is so young" he protested "Baby we are old, she is very nearly 18, I was only just 18 when I met you" Bjorn frowned and then sighed "That's true, I understand your father more now than I ever did" he chuckled "Where do the years go Anna? It doesn't seem a heartbeat ago Linda was born and now my grand daughter is an adult" he squeezed her a little and actually it was him needing comfort. She carefully wrapped her free arm around him minding the cannula in her hand "We are so blessed Bjorn to be here to see our brood grow, we've done the best we can, now we watch them fly. It's the circle of life. I might be lucky enough to be here to meet the new baby and you'll be here to meet the great grandchildren when they come. You are young enough yet" Bjorn's heart cracked "Don't say that Anna. You're going to be fine. You'll see it all with me. I can't do this without you. I don't want to" Anna soothed him "Bjorn baby I'm an old woman, I've had a good life, an amazing life. I was part of the biggest band in the world for a while, I met the love of my life..most people don't you know. I've travelled, seen the world with you. I've helped with songs that seem never to die. I have amazing kids and grandchildren with you and I'm so lucky. I will fight Bjorn, I want to live more than you could know baby but just know that when my time comes I'm going to be fulfilled and happy. You coming back has given me peace that I could never have imagined. My circle is complete just with you, whatever else comes is an amazing bonus" she sighed contentedly and snuggled down into his chest. Bjorn wiped his eyes with his free hand "Is he decent this boy?" he asked determined to change the subject for now "she has a picture of him on her phone, he's very handsome I think, she wanted to know what she should wear for a date to the cinema, she's aware Linda has got a lot on her plate "I hope you didn't tell her she could wear hot pants like you did on our first date, they were indecent" Bjorn chuckled "You loved them, your eyes popped out of their sockets and they definitely worked" Anna replied laughing "I did love them and yes I never took my eyes off you again but what is she wearing?" Bjorn pressed "Jeans and a top of mine circa 1978, she's had her eye on it for a while. Retro is fashionable Bjorn don't you know? From being an old woman I'm suddenly back in fashion" her giggle made him smile "I don't think you ever went out of fashion baby, you always looked great, even in the outrageous outfits" her grip round his hand suddenly tightened to the point of pain and he sat up a bit to see that she had her eyes closed tightly "God it burns me" she mumbled. He looked at her drip and then at her cannula and now he was witnessing for himself what Frida meant, he could see the blisters already formed around her cannula and he could see redness and the beginnings of blisters tracing the network of her veins across her chest. He was shocked at the amount of redness and blistering and they hadn't even been going an hour yet. "I've got you baby" he whispered "I won't let go" he hummed tunes that he knew she loved and eventually he felt her relax against him and a little while later he could feel that she had fallen asleep, he was relieved, the longer she slept, the more respite she had from the pain.
The doctor returned in the time that she was asleep and he was much surprised to see her sleeping, it had never happened before and when he motioned Bjorn to come into the corridor Bjorn shook his head no and motioned for the doctor to sit next to the bed "She won't wake for a bit now" he whispered "we can talk like this, it won't disturb her but if I leave her she will know and she will wake. I want her to sleep as much of this away as she can so here I must stay" The doctor nodded his agreement rapidly "the more she can sleep through it, the better it will be because the side effects for her are hard to manage. She has never slept here before even when I gave her medication to make her sleep she couldn't so I would say you've already managed to make a difference Mr Ulvaeus" He looked pleased and wrote in Anna's notes. Bjorn felt the need to explain himself "I would have been here from the very start if she had told me, I didn't know until last month. I regret that, I should have been here to do this with her, she may have had an easier time" "The point is you're here now and this run will be the roughest of them all, the last week of chemo involves the dose going up to enable one last firm blast to rid her body of any remaining cancerous cells" the doctor shared "She's aware of this?" Bjorn asked carefully "Yes, but I've got to know how determined Miss Faltskog can be and I doubt she would have told a soul. She does not wish to be pitied and she is adamant she does not wish to be a burden" Bjorn smiled unwillingly "Sounds like her. Tell me doctor where she is in the scheme of things. Is there a chance she will live? We have a new grandchild coming and it's her dearest wish to meet it" Bjorn swallowed the lump in his throat "Mr Ulvaeus I can't deny that this is a rare and aggressive cancer but she has responded better than we could ever have hoped, her last scan showed a decrease in the cancer we could see. Her decision to have a double mastectomy was brave and wise even though it caused her much pain and suffering. We are hopeful sir, very hopeful that she will survive, we must complete this week, then a week or two off and we will give her new tablets to mop up any residual trace then we will have the scan and blood test to see if she is clear. I can't deny that she will be under medical care for the rest of her life but we are hopeful of a good outcome" Bjorn digested this "If the scan doesn't have the result we want what is the next step?" The doctor looked at Anna's notes and considered his response "Mr Ulvaeus there is a lot more we can try, don't think that we are in the last chance saloon, there are other treatment paths available that myself and my colleagues have already discussed to follow on from this round if necessary. But let's focus on being hopeful for now" He got up to change her drip as the bag was nearly empty and said "I'll leave you in peace for a few hours now and I'll come back later but press the button if you need me" Bjorn whispered his thanks and was relieved that Anna hadn't stirred, in fact it amused him a little that she was snoring.
He debated what he should do and decided that as Anna was cuddled into his side and he surely did not want to wake her he may as well sleep while she did if he could. He fussed with the blanket until it was covering both of them and settled down, making sure that she was tucked securely into him and hooking his leg over hers like he always did. He made sure that her hand cannula was free and clear and that her chest one wasn't pulling and then closed his eyes.
His last thought as he drifted off was that despite everything there wasn't one place in the universe that he would rather be, he needed nothing more than Anna.
