I was dreaming, I knew I must be. I can smell lemon tea and I feel well rested for the first time in an eternity and I don't have too much pain. I don't want to wake up. Unwillingly my eyes opened to bright sunlight. I squinted in confusion. Bright sunlight? I normally woke in the dark. Perhaps I was dreaming still. I turned my head and smiled as I saw Frida still sleeping next to me. Bless her. I remembered how we staggered upstairs together last night. I definitely wasn't dreaming. I felt emotionally good today. I sniffed again at the tea. Oh that smelt good. Not a lot did to me anymore. Suddenly I felt the familiar morning churning of my stomach . I rolled my eyes impatiently, wanting to get this bit over so I could get on with my day. I shot out of bed and made it to the en suite bathroom where I fell on my knees in front of the toilet and proceeded to violently throw up. Maybe the wine wasn't such a good idea I thought to myself. It was worse this morning. I smirked, oh hell it was SO worth it.
I jumped slightly as I felt hands on my head stroking my hair out of my face and holding it back out of the way as I heaved. I calmed when I recognised Frida humming gently. I was finally done and I sat back against the wall exhausted. I heard water running and Frida wiped my face with a warm flannel. I opened my eyes and looked at her. I smiled because she looked half asleep, her hair was stuck up every which way and she had a sleep crease in the side of her face. "I'm sorry I woke you" I mumbled then burst out laughing. "God Frida, I've missed you. Look at the state of us!" Frida held out a hand and helped me up. We both looked at ourselves in the mirror. I looked worse than she did. Obviously I hadn't moved all night and one side of my hair was flat as a pancake and my makeup had run. The giggles came then and we laughed till we could laugh no more. When we were more sensible Frida put some toothpaste on a brush and gave it to me. I thanked her gratefully.
"I'll take the room right next door hmm?" she enquired. I nodded happily. All the bedrooms had en suites and having Frida so close would be amazing.
"Anna? We'll have a shower and some coffee then we will talk ok? We need to talk about your illness and where you are with it. I need to know and you need to let it all go." I sighed and nodded. I put my toothbrush away and said "You're right, I'll be down in a while"
It was nearly 11am by the time we were sat at the table with tea and a little brunch, my tastes were changed and sometimes my appetite is small. I like sweeter things now so today we had little pancakes with some raspberries and maple syrup. I ate as much as I could manage then sat back with my tea and gave a satisfied sigh. "Frida? I'm ready to talk now. I don't think I'll be able to stop once I start because otherwise I'll lose my courage. It gets overwhelming if I stop and start too much. Is that ok? I'll answer your millions of questions when I'm done." she smiled. "You tell it to me how you wish little one. I'm going nowhere" Frida reassured me.
I took a deep breath and embarked on the most surreal conversation of my life. "You're right you know, what you said. I did know last year. I had the diagnosis at the beginning of May. I found a lump when I was in the bath one night. Late April I think. I went to the doctors and it went from there really. It happened fast. I didn't tell Linda and Christian until I was certain and had the diagnosis. There was no point in worrying them before I knew for sure."I sighed and took a sip of coffee. It was hard for me to relive those days." So, you worried alone little one?" "Oh Frida, don't say it like that, what was the point of worrying everyone before I knew for sure?" I repeated."It could have been anything. Everyone has their own lives, their own agendas and I wanted to protect everyone for as long as I could. It is not easy for me to give up my privacy. Still, if I had my way no one would know. Not even Linda and Christian but in that I had no choice. People may not agree with me but it's the way I feel. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, seeing me throw up a thousand times a day or sleeping or looking terrible when the chemo rips my skin off. Perhaps I am vain, maybe I'm selfish but if this is my end, which I don't want it to be by the way I want people to remember me how I was, I've lived my life in the public eye and the public has owned me. They will not own this." Frida sat back and looked at me. "That's one of the bravest things I've ever heard" I snorted "Frida I'm absolutely terrified but I will protect the ones I love from the worst of this. I want to live and I will beat it but on my terms" Frida got up and refilled her cup. She leaned on the worktop. "Last question then. Tell me again your reasons for not telling Bjorn? I'm not judging you little one" she held up her hands placatingly. "I just want to hear it while we are not emotional and we haven't got two bottles of wine in us" I sighed sadly. "It's a fair question and one I do wrestle with every day. I love him Frida. I've loved that man for 50 years. I used to wish I could stop loving him but now I've accepted he's part of me. I let him go because I realised I couldn't make him happy anymore. No matter what I did it wasn't enough. You can't hold something that just doesn't want to be held. Yes, I made a massive mistake leaving him but in my young mind it would make him realise how much he loved us and that we could work it out regardless. He was supposed to come and get us. I was never supposed to lose him. I should have gone and got him but by the time I realised it took two to fight for it he had met her. He looked so happy Frida and I realised that it was important to me that he be happy, and he has been. Look what he has, 2 more beautiful children and a beautiful wife who must make him happy because he's been married to her for 36 years. That's more than I ever managed. So the love of my life found the love of his life BECAUSE I let him go and I'm happy for him. It took me years to come to this level of acceptance Frida. Years!" I couldn't hold my tears back any more and it's like the dam had broken. I was sure that Frida hadn't been expecting the torrent of emotion that I had faced her with and yet there she stood not showing even an ounce of surprise. I suddenly needed air. I grabbed my blanket and went out onto the veranda and sat on the rocking chair that looked out towards the sea. For whatever reason the tears refused to stop. No matter how hard I tried it was like trying to stop a waterfall. I felt her hand on my shoulder giving me comfort and she said quietly "Carry on Anna, let it all out. You've held this in for 40 years" She went back in momentarily to fetch herself a blanket. She settled in the chair next to me and fiddled with her blanket till it was right. She held my hand and together we sat until the storm had passed. "there's more isn't there" she said without questioning.
I sighed and turned my head to look at her, her eyes were nearly as teary as mine. "Oh Frida. How can I tell him? How? He's been through cancer before with Lena. I love him too much to make him go through it again. I saw him suffer with Lena. I won't do it to him again. I just won't."My tears were choking me."He would feel like he had to do something, he would feel sorry for me, he would look at me differently and I can't live with that" "Anna, what do you want from him?" "Nothing he can give freely!!" I snapped."I just need him" I sighed. Defeated. There it was, the unvarnished,plain truth, in four little words was 40 years of agony.
"So no Frida, I can't tell him and what can he do hmm? Lena would make his life an utter misery even if he was interested,which he really isn't" Frida considered her next words carefully. "When did you last see him?" "Christmas 2015, except for the party" I said, not even needing to think. "Why didn't you see him last Christmas?" was Frida's next question. "Because I couldn't face him, he would have known there was something wrong and I didn't have strength enough to fend off Lena's constant sniping and moaning. I came out of hospital the week before Christmas I had a double mastectomy and a reconstruction at the same time. I just couldn't see him. I was in such a state. I couldn't bear for him to see me like that. I'd have been like the spectre at the feast. I didn't want to ruin everybody's wonderful Christmas. I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to sleep. The thought of watching him with Lena at that point in my life was more than I could bear. So I told Linda to tell them all that I had woken up with a dreadful migraine and was sleeping it off with strong painkillers" "and he BOUGHT it??" Frida couldn't believe her ears. That wasn't like Bjorn at all. "I guess so, Linda said he was fine with it"
I watched as Frida sank into deep thoughts. She looked in turn sad, confused then resigned. Frida was turning things over in her mind. Something didn't add up here, Bjorn must ask her about Anna every time she spoke to him, she knew that he'd asked Linda and Christian repeatedly since the party because he had told her so. When she had asked why he just didn't go over and see her he said Linda or Christian always came up with a distraction and bought the kids to him. Frida smiled as she realised the wall that Agnetha had built round herself was impenetrable both literally and figuratively.
I watched Frida carefully for a while wondering what she would say. I had to admit I was exhausted but I felt better for letting it all out. I felt sure I knew what Frida's next question would be and as it turned out I was right. "I can see that there's no point in me discussing Bjorn with you. The only thing I will ask is how the treatment goes now. "I'm on my second to last round of chemo, it's an aggressive cancer but it was caught early hopefully I'm in with a chance. I'm on an experimental treatment also. When I'm done, I'll be on tablets for the rest of my life if I get the all clear. If I don't get the all clear, I'll carry on until I can't do it anymore and that's the whole story." I replied carefully. Frida smiled and said "Oh, it isn't, we haven't even touched on Benny yet, no matter we need a drink and a little food. Then we talk of Benny and then you call Bjorn. " I don't have his number Frida" I stammered.
" Aren't you lucky then that I do?" "Frida left me gaping after her as she went indoors.
