Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Zayn's note

Dear Niall, 

      Oh, gosh, my baby. This is all my fault. I'm so, so sorry for everything I've ever done. I never meant to crash the car. I never meant to give you those scars. I never meant to mess up your brain. It's all my fault, and it's okay if you blame me. I know you've said over and over that it really wasn't my fault, but if it wasn't mine, then who's fault was it? Exactly. It's mine. 

       Niall, I'm so sorry. I can't go on like this. It's all my fault, and every time I look at your beautiful face, I want to break down and scream and cry. I see those scars webbed on your face, and it makes me sick because I know I had a part in putting them there. I hate that you have them. I hate that I did that. I hate that I couldn't have saved you. Why couldn't it have been me instead? Why did it have to happen to you, my perfect little angel? 

       I know that when you read this, I'll already be dead. I picked hanging because all other ways can fail. But with this way, I knew I could succeed. So I chose it. I'm staring at the noose right now as I write this to you. Tears are streaming down my face, and you're out with Louis and Harry for who knows what. You won't find me for a while, but that's a good thing. If you came into this room right now, you could stop me from this, and I don't want that. The guilt I feel is way too much for me to bare. I can't go on anymore. 

       I know that you're going to be so sad when you find out I'm dead. But you won't be that sad for very long. You never loved me like I loved you. Every time I look at you, the whole world gets brighter and more exciting to live in. Every time I see your smile, it's like I've never been able to breath as much as I do in that moment. And when you're under me, completely naked, I swear I've never seen a more beautiful sight than that. You're so beautiful and precious, Niall. I love you, so, so much. 

       I wanted to grow old with you, Niall. I wanted to plan for a wedding together. I wanted to stand up at the alter in a black suit and watch you, the love of my life, walk down the aisle in a pretty white suit, the color you look best in. I wanted to make love on our honeymoon, to have you unravel so beautifully under me with your pink, bloated lips and flushed skin. Gosh, you're so gorgeous. I never would've gotten tired of seeing you. Whether you were drowning in big, baggy sweaters that come halfway down your thighs, or wearing nothing but tight, clingy boxers, I never would have wanted to look away. You're so pretty. 

      I wanted to wake up in the morning and have your sleepy, kitten face be the first thing I see. I wanted to make pancakes with you in the morning and smear it all over each other's faces in a fight. I wanted to hold you through the night and have your pale back pressed tightly against my chest. Gosh, how I wanted all of that. I wanted all that and so much more. I wanted to kiss you until neither of us can breath. I wanted to map out every nook and cranny of your perfect body. I wanted to pick you up and carry you when your bottom is sore from the previous night's activities. 

        I could go on and on about every little thing I wanted to do with you, but a paper only has a certain amount of lines. I hope it's okay that I move on from that. 

      These last few years that we have spent together have been the best years of my entire life, Niall, and I have you to thank for giving them to me. So thank you, for giving me the privilege to love you. I hope that if-for some crazy reason-my suicide attempt fails, you'll still give me the chance to love you again. I'll never stop loving you, and that's the truth. I love you so very much, Niall, you mean everything to me. 

       I hope that when you learn I committed suicide, you won't think it's okay to do it as well. If you killed yourself, I'd never be able to live with myself. Ha, I guess I won't have to either way. But anyway, you're way too beautiful to be sad. I hope that even after I am dead, you'll find it in yourself to smile again. Because you always looked best with a smile on your face. Gosh, did you ever look amazing with a smile. 

       And I just want to give you permission to move on. In fact, I want you to move on. Please don't get hung up on me. I'm not coming back, Niall, so please don't wait on that. Find someone else out there that can make you happy. That can love you just as much as I loved you. Someone who makes you forget about me. Because I really am a crappy person. You deserved so much better than me, honestly. You deserved the world. I just wish I could've given that to you. 

        I'm running out of room here, and you're bound to be back some time soon, anyway, so I have to stop. Please don't ever hurt yourself. Please stay strong. I know that I don't get to ask for these things, but I'm going to anyway because I love you. I love you so, so much, and I don't think I can ever find the right words to tell you just how much that is. You were and still are my everything. I love you so much. So much. You're so beautiful, and I love you so much. 

Yours truly, 

Zayn Malik