Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Sunday May 26, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

     It's been a whole week since I last wrote to you. I promise there's a good reason. A week ago, Louis and Harry came over just like they had told me they would. I thought that maybe we'd go out for dinner and a movie or something. But that wasn't the case, no, not at all. They came into the house and told me to pack my bags, that we were going on an adventure. They had refused to tell me where we were going at the time, but I found out pretty quick that they had no clue whatsoever where they were going. They were just going to drive for a few days and we'd look around before going back home. 

      I tried to protest and tell them that I had to take care of Buttercup, but they insisted that she could come with me. Then I brought up therapy, and they said they had told Ms. James about their plan and she thought it was a great idea. As a final point, I told them that I couldn't go if there was a chance that you would come back home while I was away. I wish I hadn't mentioned your name. I wish that I hadn't brought you up. I wish I had just left you an undiscussed topic. 

      Louis started to sob right then, and Harry had to bring him to another room, away from me. I felt awful-I hadn't meant to make him cry. As soon as they were out of the room, I started to cry, too. I wasn't sure if it was from me making my best friend break down, or from missing you. Maybe both. Either way, I started to pack my bags so that I could at least be of some use. I could still hear Louis crying from the next room over, and Harry shushing him and comforting him. 

     I heard Louis talking. He said "I can't do this anymore," over and over, and Harry always responded with "just a little longer, babe." I don't understand. Is Louis going to end up like you, cutting and hurting himself? Isn't Harry worried about him? I started to panic as I thought about this, but then Buttercup came into the room, and I held her and stroked her fur. The couple came in a few minutes later, a smile on Louis' face once again. They helped me finish packing my bags and we loaded it into the car together. 

      Once we actually got on the road-it was around an hour later because we had to stop at a bunch of stores-it wasn't so bad. Buttercup fell asleep in my lap and Louis and Harry were singing loudly to the radio while laughing. It was impossible for me to keep a smile off my face, but I didn't want it to go anywhere, either. It's really amazing to see how in love the two boys are, and it make me wonder if they're stronger than we are. Or were? I'm not sure where our relationship stands, but until you tell me that we are through, I'm going to say we're still together. 

      We were on the road for five days, hoping from place to place. We stayed at four different hotels, having to stay in the car when we spent the night in London, since the hotel was too packed for us to get a room. But it was okay because we parked in the middle of the city and there was really pretty music playing somewhere close by. It made me cry. It made me smile and laugh. It was just so you that it hurt. I wish I would've asked Louis or Harry what it was called. But I didn't. 

      On the sixth day, we headed home, running low on snacks. I had eaten most of them, but Louis and Harry told me that it didn't matter because they got to see me happy and smiling again; laughing for one of the first times since you went missing. We did a lot of singing on the way home, the radio blaring as we sped down the highway, the windows down. We got a lot of strange looks, but it didn't bother me because I was too busy laughing at the two dorks I call friends. 

     The trip ended all too soon, and I'm back here in the house, just me and Buttercup. Yeah, that means that you didn't come home. But I wasn't expecting you to, either. That's why I didn't even leave you a note in case you did come. I won't leave them anymore because it hurts when I get home and find it on the table, lying untouched. I hope that if you come back, you'll understand that. 

     Tomorrow is Monday, which means I'm going back to therapy. I hope Liam is there. But what I still don't get is why I have to go. It's not like it is helping me. If anything, it's making it worse by giving me a constant, painful reminder that you're gone. You'd never make me go to therapy if you were here, right? 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall