Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Thursday May 9, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

    Therapy was okay today. Ms. James was back, and Liam was there, too. She smiled at me a lot and was very nice, but I knew it was all fake. She had this look in her eyes that said if Liam wasn't right there beside her, she'd be screaming at me. Liam asked if he could take a look at my journal. I said no, and that was the end of it. No yelling. No hurtful words. No hitting. 

     Ms. James asked me a lot of questions I didn't want to answer, like, what my thoughts were on where you were. How long I was willing to wait (I figured she wouldn't like my answer, which is forever) for you. What I did in my spare time. No way was I going to tell her all these things. I would've told Liam if Ms. James wasn't there, but sadly, she was there in the flesh and blood. I wish she would've been the one to go missing rather than you. 

     I wonder if you think about me, wherever you are. Do you cry over what you don't have, which is me, in case you were thinking something else. Do you miss me? Do you love me? Do you still want to be with me? Or have you moved on and found someone better, someone who doen't have mental issues like I do? Have you found someone new to hold in your arms at night? 

     I wish I could stop pondering over these things because all they do is tear me down. But without you here, I can't help but think about what is going on with you. It's been a long time, Zayn, so long that I've lost track. I don't think I want to know anymore because with each passing day, the hopes of finding you dwindle. You could pretty much be anywhere in the world by now. The police haven't reported any new news about your whereabouts, and I take that as a bad thing. 

     And suddenly, a new thought has dawned upon me. What if they're not even looking for you anymore? What if they've given up? What if they never find you? I can't live the rest of my life like this, Zayn, I need you. I'm so sad and lonely without you, and all I feel like doing is crying until you are back at my side. I'm scared I'll live the rest of my life like this. I'm scared that I won't ever get to see your smiling, happy face again. I'm scared I won't ever hear your magical laugh one last time. Zayn, please come home. I'm scared. 

     I talked to Louis and Harry today. I mean, just Louis. It's so hard to say just one of their names when they're always together. But I guess that's probably because they're engaged, but that doesn't matter. He asked me how I was, and I just realized that I never answered him, and he didn't press. I asked when they were getting married, and they said it would be December 24, Christmas Eve and Louis' birthday. They are just so cute, aren't they? 

     Anyway, I eventually asked if he would take me out on Saturday. He agreed before I could even tell him what I wanted to go out for. I asked if he would take me to the pet shop so I could get a pet to keep me company. He still agreed to do it and said he'd pick me up at one. He seemed a lot happier after that, and I'm glad because Louis deserves to always be happy. 

     But speaking of a pet, I still need a name for whatever I get, and I really want you to have a say in this. When you get back, it'll be your pet, too. Plus, I'm not sure if we are going to have any children in the future, so this will be just like agreeing on a name for our son or daughter. I've always dreamed that we could argue over a name for our child, but it died in the accident along with nearly half of my brain. 

     I know I bring up the accident a lot, and I apologize for that, I know you hate to think about that time. But so do I. It just makes me feel better to talk about it, just like talking about and to you makes me feel better. I hope you don't mind too much, I don't want to make you angry or sad when I mention it. I like to think about it as an obstacle that we tackled together. As a team. 

     Greg has been over a lot in the past week, making sure I'm eating proberly and sleeping enough. He said he didn't want a repeat of my passing out, so sometimes he has to force me to go and lay in bed, saying that I will eventually get so tired I'll fall asleep. Some people would hate for their sibling to do this to them, including you. But I'm not one of those people. 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall