Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Friday June 21, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

     I'm so sick of everything. Ms. James hates me, and the feeling is mutual. I called up Louis and Harry the other day, and they answered, but when I started to talk about you, they made excuses to leave the conversation. It hurts to know that just because of you they won't talk to me. Are they mad at you? I am, and they were pretty close to you, too, so I figure they must be. Either way, I don't like it. I'm so miserable, and they know it. So why do they keep avoiding me? Why do they continue to hurt me like this? I'm not sure how much I can handle of this. 

      I've gained a few new bruises from therapy yesterday. Right around my wrists, where Ms. James gripped them really hard as she demanded me to think harder. I had to take some more medicine. I can't wait until therapy is done. I tried to ask her when we'd stop meeting, but she just said that I was never leaving because I was so stupid and foolish to believe you were still coming home to me. You are, aren't you? Look at how far I've come in the past few months. At the beginning, I was absolutely sure you were coming back to me, but now I'm not so sure. I hate that I have to doubt you, but why would you be away for this long if you didn't plan on never coming back? 

     My head hurts a little right now, so I'm not going to think about that anymore. Your memory is slowly fading from my mind, and I'm not sure if I want that to happen. I do because maybe, just maybe, the pain I feel will go away. Yet, on the other hand, if a miricle happens and you do come back to me, I don't want to have forgotten you. You'd be so heartbroken. 

      Ha. You, heartbroken? Sure, sure. I'd like for you to be put into my shoes and see how much you like it. Gosh, you've put me through something so awful. I hate that I do a lot of crying. I hate that I'm alone. I hate that I don't want to be alive anymore. I hate that you left me. I'm almost on the verge of hating you. It's a weird thought, huh? I used to shudder at the thought of hating you, and insisting that I could never do it. But I guess heartbreak and do I dare say it, depression, really changes a person. Or maybe I'm just so messed up I've gone delusional. 

      Maybe that's it. This couldn't possibly be your fault, could it? No, no, that's silly. You promised me you'd never leave me if you could help it. Someone must have forced you to. 

     Now what am I saying? There's no good explanation for your disappearance anymore. You left me here on your own free will. 

      Oh, look at me. I'm a mess. I can't think straight. I can't decide on what I believe. This is all so hard, Zayn. I can't do this for much longer. I just want you back so badly. I want to feel your warm, safe arms around my trembling body. I want to feel the roughness of your stubble as we kiss. I want to feel complete and loved again. I feel so, so alone right now, and the worst part is that I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be alone, Zayn. I want-need-someone right now. And it kills me because the one person that I want the most is missing. And that's you. 

     Buttercup is all I've got, and I'm very thankful for her. I don't think I would've lasted this long without her. I just wish you would've been here to see how wonderful she is. You'd adore her, I'm sure of that. It pains me to think about the idea that you may never meet her, and that you won't ever get to thank her for taking such good care of me while you were away. Because she has. She's inspired me to go on, just like you always did. 

      I think what I wish more than anything is to hear you say I love you once more. Ms. James kept telling me that you didn't and never did love me, and it really hurts to hear that. I just want to know for sure that you still do. Why can't you come home and tell me that? Why? Do you even love me anymore? I really hope you do, because I don't think I could live any longer if you didn't. It's tearing me apart, not knowing anything. I miss you so, so much, and I really want to believe that you will return to me. That one day I'll wake up, and you'll be there in the bed beside me with a smile on your face. That you'll boop me on the nose and kiss me softly as I giggle. That you'll carry me downstairs and make breakfast together. And it's so painful to know that you may never come home. 

So tell me, Zayn. Do you really still love me? 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall