Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Monday April 15, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

    Today was day two of therapy. I only go Mondays and Thursdays. It sucks that I have to go twice a week-or even at all-but I know that Greg would yell at me if I didn't go, so that's why I walked into Ms. James' room today at three o'clock. I sat down in one of her fuzzy blue chairs she has. I had the journal that I'm writing to you in now in my lap, and she asked if she could read it. 

     Why does she want to read it? She has no right to see what I say to you. I refused to give it to her, and after a while, she gave up, saying that she would have to read it later. I don't think I'm going to hand it over to her in the future, either. No one else can see what I'm saying to you, that's why I've put your name after the dear. 

     But other than that, we didn't do much more. She asked me a few questions about how I was feeling. I didn't really say much, just a few one worded answers. But then she asked about you. About us. She asked how close we were. Which we were extremely close, nothing could seperate us. She asked if you had been acting any different since the accident. 

     I started to say no, but then realized that maybe you had. Just maybe, I'm not entirely sure. Either you did, or it just seems like it to me because I got stupider. But you held me close a lot more than you used to. Told me you loved me more. Told me you were so sorry for the accident. You never were okay with that day, even though I reassured you several times that it wasn't your fault. You wouldn't listen to that. 

     But, really, I would never blame you for that. Yes, you were in the driver seat, but that doesn't make it your fault. It could never be. And even if it had been, I still wouldn't blame you. Even if you meant to kill us and drove into something, I'd never blame you. I love you too much for that. 

    The dinner that Louis invited me over to was yesterday. At six. Louis called me at six fifteen, asking if I was on my way. I wasn't, though. I was on the couch again, but I wasn't going to tell him exactly what I was doing because he would've gotten sad again. I don't like when Louis is sad. He should always be happy, and I'm glad that Harry makes him happy. Plus, they make a cute couple. 

      Ah, back to the phone conversation. I told him I couldn't make it, that I was busy doing something. He was disappointed, I could tell that much from his tone of voice, but his words were cheerful. He told me that I'd have to come over some other time and eat with them. I really don't want to, but I know that if you don't come back soon, Louis will somehow manage to convince me to go. 

     Is it bad that I don't care too much about spending time with my friends? All I really want is you, and none of my friends can fill your spot, no matter how hard they try. I really miss you, Zee. When are you coming home? 

     It's really hard to wake up to an empty bed. It's really hard to remember to take my medicine without you constantly reminding me. It's hard not to be able to talk to you about anything. I want you back, Zayn, I need you. 

      I've thought about getting a cat several times. Maybe even a dog. Someone to keep me company while I wait for you. Maybe I'll to that tomorrow. But don't worry, I'll leave you a note just in case you come home and I'm gone. Sound good? By the way, I'll need a name for it, whichever I'm getting. I was hoping that you could think of a name, you always had so many that you wanted to name our child. 

     Speaking of children, are you still wanting to have a family? When would we have one? Would we adopt or have someone else give birth to our child? I don't know who should be the stay-at-home parent. You'd be better at both things since my brain isn't as good as it used to. Or have you rethought everything since the accident and decided I wasn't fit to be a parent? I'd understand that, all you have to do is tell me. 

     I've began to realize that you didn't like to tell me negative things after the accident. You'd never tell me that I wasn't cut out for something. You never told me I was different from anyone. You'd always tell me that I was really smart and beautiful, and that I was everything you'd ever wanted. I believed you. Still do. But I think we both know that you're the smarter one of the two. You always have been. 

I love you, Zayn.

Sincerely, 

Niall