Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Friday June 7, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

    After what happened with Liam, I didn't go to therapy again on Thursday. He must not have told Ms. James because she called me yesterday and asked what happened. I didn't tell her exactly what was wrong, just that I wasn't feeling well enough to go. She did a little bit of yelling at me, but I'm passed caring about what she says to me. She never says anything worth my time, anyway, so why should I listen to her when she doesn't even care about me or my wellbeing? I think if you read that, you'd be proud of me for thinking that way. Or maybe you wouldn't. I'm not so sure of anything about you anymore. 

      Ever since you went missing, I've been rethinking everything I know about you. Were all those kisses, all the 'I love you's', were those all lies? Were they just an action you went through to make me think you loved me? It's painful to think about, but I know that at one point-at least just one-you really, truly loved me. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was one of the greatest days of my life-the day we made love. I remember I was terrified out of my mind because I was still a virgin and I didn't know how well I'd do in the bed. 

      You had reassured me several times that you'd love me no matter what; that you didn't care if our love making was wonderful or not. Just the fact that we wanted to make love was enough for you. And if you remember, our love making was not the greatest. I was really nervous, and you were afraid you would hurt me. And you did at first, but that was only because I wasn't used to this at all. You were very sloppy, I might add, but I understand why. You didn't want this experience to be bad for me. But any moment I spend with you is never a bad one. 

     Anyway, just as we both reached our climaxes together, you looked me right in the eyes and said, "I'm completely in love with you, Niall James Horan." And as we both unraveled, you kissed me sweetly and softly on the mouth. It was the time I felt the most overwhelmed by your love, and I loved it. I wish I could go back and do it again. 

     I strayed quite off topic there, but you don't mind, do you? I hope not because I've done it a lot and I know I'll continue doing it until I stop writing this-which would be when you're back in my arms. 

      So after I hung up with Ms. James-promising to come in on Monday-I took a nice, long bath. It was relaxing, and took my mind off things. I think that I really need that, though, because I feel like between you going missing and the whole molestation thing, I've been really stressed. If you were here, you'd be downstairs cooking us a romantic meal for when I was done. I had stayed in that bath for so long that I almost had myself convinced I could smell your meal downstairs on the stove. What a disappointment it was to me when I hurried down to find the kitchen just as empty as it had been for a long time. 

     I didn't cry, thankfully, but I did drop my shoulders and trudged to the fridge to find some food. I haven't been to the store ever since you left, so I didn't have much. Some spoiled milk, two eggs, moldy cheese. It was repulsive, but I managed to make myself an egg sandwich with the eggs and got Buttercup some food as well. I made it my goal to go to the store the next day. 

     After that I tried calling your mother. I missed hearing her voice, and she was always able to put me in a better mood, so I figured she could help me now. And she probably could have, if she picked up. But she did. She declined the call instead, and I think my heart was ripped out of my chest right then. Why does your family all of a sudden hate me? What did I do wrong? Did they never even like me in the first place? I guess if they didn't, it'd fit right along with the possibility that you never loved me, either. 

      Everything is so confusing and I am not sure what to believe anymore. I want to believe that you're still out there, desperate to get back to me. I want to believe that wherever you may be, you love and miss me. I really, truly want you to still love me, but I have to consider all the possibilities of why you're not here with me and why you went missing. Even the painful ones. I'm afraid that you won't be the same if you come back. I'm afraid you'll never come back. I'm afraid you won't love me anymore. Please come home, Zayn. I'm scared. 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall