Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Monday May 27, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

    Liam was back at therapy today. Ms. James was there for the first ten minutes before she had to leave for whatever reason. I was glad. Liam asked me how I was holding up like he always does. When I told him that I missed you, he gave me a great big hug and told me that he knows it hurts, but I just have to have faith in you. It made me feel a little bit better. After that he asked me how the road trip with Louis and Harry went. I told him the truth-that I hadn't felt that happy and glad to be alive since you went missing. It was sweet to see the smile that lit up his face when I said that. 

     We talked for a long time, and not just about me. I learned that he lives alone and that he and his father don't really get along since Liam decided he wanted to take a career in therapy. His father always wanted him to be a doctor, something his father said is "actually useful to the world". But a therapist is useful to someone who is depressed and suicidal, I know that. But I don't consider myself depressed. I consider myself lonely here without you. 

     After our session I went to get some ice cream, all by myself. I also sat in a booth, all by myself. I got messy and had to clean up my face, all by myself. You always loved it when I got ice cream all over my face, it gave you a reason to have your mouth on my body-though you really didn't need a reason. You always liked to clean the ice cream goodness off my face with your tongue, or at least you said you did. I liked when you did that, too, and so I may have accidentally made a mess on purpose half the time? 

     The ice cream didn't taste as good as it did when you took me on dates to get the frozen treat. But I got it down anyway and left shortly after. That was the place we went to the most, and I feared I might cry or throw up if I stayed in there for too long. I decided to go to the video store instead and pick up a movie for me and Buttercup to watch. I picked out Dumbo, along with some of the ridiculously overpriced snacks the store has to offer. This one guy kept staring at me as I browsed, and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

     Despite that, I managed to buy my stuff without issues and hurried home, glad to be away from that man. However, as I walked down the street, I could feel someone following me. I was put on edge and I wished then most of all that you would come swooping in and protect me in your arms. I dared to glance back once and I recognized the man immediately. It was the man from the video store. He had this creepy grin on his face as he quickened his pace. I quickened mine, too, but my short legs were no match for his long ones. 

     He grabbed me harshly by the hood of the sweater I was wearing-which was yours-and pinned me against the wall. The DVD and snacks dropped from my hands, but at the time, I was too busy panicking over whether I was going to be raped or not. The man was very dirty, let me tell you. His hair was a ball of grease, his teeth brown and rotten, and his breath-that was gross. His right hand held my left shoulder against the wall as he leaned his heavy body against mine, his knee between by legs. 

     His free hand came up and stroked my cheek, causing me to wince. It was disgusting because his hands were so dirty. I still haven't cleaned the feeling off my body. His foul breath was right in my face, and I nearly passed out from that alone. As he kept caressing my cheek, he laughed. It was a wonder I hadn't starting crying yet. He murmured to me, "so pretty. Such a pretty, pretty boy." It scared me, I wanted to be back home curled up with Buttercup on the couch. 

    After that his hand went south to my crotch, and by then I had started to whimper and beg him to let me go. He ignored me, of course, and touched me instead. Oh, Zayn, I felt so disgusted with myself. I let him touch me. I was weak. I couldn't defend myself. Why didn't you save me. 

     You may think that's the end of it. But it wasn't. He didn't stop there, no. He unbuttoned my pants and let them pool around my ankles. That's when I started crying and pleading with him to leave me alone. Then he reached into my boxers and touched me. It was the time I felt the most horrified with myself. I'm not clean and pure anymore, am I? Are you disgusted with me like I am? Do you think that I'm weak and pathetic. Please help me, Zayn, I don't know what to think. 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall