High on love

2016

It took them a month to find which medication was the right one for me to come back to my sense. The major issue during this whole month in the psychiatric hospital was that I wasn't sleeping. Sometimes I was falling asleep on my father or my mum and they just stayed there. Not moving for hours cos me sleeping was the most important thing.

I stayed a couple of more days at the hospital, only cos there was some paper work to arrange my release to go back to France. There was one condition for me to leave, it was that I had an appointment with a psychiatric already in France. So we called the one I saw a good 10 years back for a few sessions. We got lucky we got an appointment and then after a couple more meeting with doctors I was out.

Back in France I thought I was fine. I was not. I was better for sure, but not fine at all. Didn't know at the time I was getting into a huge depression. I had money on my mind most of all. I didn't go to work for a month and I had a rent to pay. It was complicated because I didn't want to leave my studio. It is super hard to have a studio in zone 2 London for an affordable price.

We were in January. I got my late Christmas presents. Some CDs. Rare. Two albums to be precise. Madness by Sleeping With Sirens and Black Lines by Mayday Parade. And it was making so much sens. Again. Signs. Seriously ever since that psychotic episode, music is following me and showing me the way somehow. Everyday. It is very scary. But it is amazing at the same time. So many times something happened with that one specific music starting at that one specific moment. So fucking unreal. So so often. Unbelievable. I'm always so shocked it keeps happening. But it does. So much.

Anyway, these 2 albums I got as late Christmas presents were making all the sens... Because Madness, I mean, just the title on this album is everything with what happened to me. But also, it went out on the 17 of Mars 2015. Which is my birthday. That's why I remember that date very well. So it only meant one thing: It was me going mad. Yup. And Black Lines. If you see the artwork of that album, it's like confidential text hidden in black and I took it as me forgetting a lot of my memory for the past month. I remember it only in flash. That month went by in the blink of an eye for me. It was just making so much sens. Scary.

I kept on doing some role playing. On a new forum. With a new character. One with a good set of mind. It was a woman with the face of Lena Headey. That actress really inspires me. Then came my appointment to the psychiatrist. And she was not here. She left a note on her plaque saying « ABSENT FOR A FEW DAYS ». Well, thank you for the heads up. My dad arranged his work schedule and stuff to be there and there was no appointment. Then we somehow discovered this doctor went mental and couldn't work anymore. I think she had a burn out. I can relate. So from there we started the hunt of a new psy. I was very scared on not being followed by a professional. I didn't want this psychotic episode to kick in again. I was on medication, but I didn't have enough for forever. Just a few months. So having a psychiatrist was the priority.

Finding a good one is hard. I saw one that was useless and sooo fucking expensive for 20 minutes. I hated it. He scared me a lot also regarding the role playing... So I stopped role playing. And thinking back I'm pretty sure that was the worst decision I have ever made. Because from there, I was home, doing nothing. Role playing was my passion, was what I was doing on my free time. Writing is my life and I cut it all. My depression got worst and worst, and I didn't even know. I was just home, watching tv and sleeping. Meeting friends was weird also. Didn't feel confortable. I was so bored. I had nothing to do. Didn't strike me to write something else than role playing. The only one thing I wrote in January, was the chapter about Kane because I was so in love with him and I wanted to keep all souvenirs very detailed in writing. So i remember forever.

February came and I decided to start working again. I exchanged a few emails with my HR and I could do part time from home. That was perfect. Because still in France, but still a rent to pay in London. At least that will cover that.