High on love

Pyschiatric Hospital

TW: Suicide

People came to see me in this room that was more like a cell to me in the emergency area of the hospital. I don't know if they were doctors but I had to repeat my story several times. I told them that I had been drugged that night, because that was the only explanation of what was happening. Then came along Alexandra. She stayed with me in the room and I was very agitated. I still was thinking that I was transforming into Aaron. I gave myself lots of looks in the back window of the room, to see my reflexion in it. To check if I was Aaron or not yet. I got disappointed lots of time because I was still myself. I was completely out of it. Not making sens, not being myself, but from time to time, Alexandra was snapping her fingers and do a « reality check » on me. And I managed to become to my sens a few minutes sometimes. At this point all I wanted was to see Heloise. I didn't want to talk french. French was banned. I only had trust in portuguese/spanish speakers people, and Alexandra is portuguese.

« I really like you Alexandra but you have to go. »

A few hours must had pass. Then my mum arrived. She flew from France because she felt something was going on with me. I didn't want to see her. I was screaming when I had a glance of her. She was a demon to me. I ended up on my own in this room and I started taking off my clothes. At this point I was Addison, another role playing character that I created. I was half naked, on the floor blocking the door. I started to do things I don't want to write down. They had to force to get in. I let myself fall totally on the ground, not moving but being conscious. I really couldn't move. I was just a dead weight. They used a sheet to cover me. They were like 4 people carrying me up to a car where someone drove me to the psychiatric hospital. That car smelt so bad, I felt like I was in a cell with piss. It wasn't confortable at all also, but still, I wasn't moving an inch. I was aware of my surroundings but couldn't move at all, couldn't speak either. I was just a shell. An empty shell. I don't remember the rest of the night.

I spent a month in the hospital. And I don't remember everything. Just flashes. I've done things I regret a lot. But again, I wasn't myself. Not in chronological order, I'm gonna tell a few moments I remember clearly.

I was only trusting my brother who at this point in his life was living in New Zealand. So the only contact I had with him was over the phone.

« Write everything down. Everything that you remember. »

And I listened to him and when I went back to my room, I went full NCIS mode. I wrote everything on many sheets. I taped them on the walls, by categories. 'Favourite songs' 'Latest Role Playing Forum I've been to.' 'TV shows' 'Movies' 'Bands.' I don't remember all the lists I wrote but it was all making sens. I was linking everything together and the last forum name on my list was 'Do you remember ?'. Like. Everything was making so much sens it was so scary. I really felt like I had power or like everything was a sign and that I just needed to follow that to find the truth.

I was singing a lot of « Here we go » by Lower than Atlantis. Saying « I'm coming I'm coming ». When it was dinner time, I was always asking what food came from South America, because that's the kind of food I wanted.

There was a girl, she was overweight and I thought she was pregnant. I was telling her all the time « Breathe Carolina » which is the name of a band I like, I just baptized her Carolina. I was singing all the time and was asking other in patients in the common room what was my name, and when they replied « Fame » I was so happy and went on with the song « I'm gonna live forever ». I'm pretty sure I sang them this song over and over again at this point for them to know what to reply to that question. Pretty sure I've asked them a million times before also.

There was a girl, who looked like a guy. She had a tattoo sleeve and for me she was Aaron. I was stalking her like crazy. Checking the tiny window on her bedroom door, being behind her all the time. One day she got fed up of me and she punched me in the face. I didn't see it coming. First time of my life someone punches me. I remember it very clearly. The pain too.