High on love

Xmas Party

Thursday 10th December 2015

At the time I worked in an online advertising company located in Oxford Circus in London. The company had a very good atmosphere, I still remember I still couldn't believe after a few months that I was working in such a great company. Today I really regret quitting the job. But after what happened to me I went into a deep depression and I couldn't do my job anymore. I decided to move back to France to be closer to my family, I needed them, and they were here for me.

Back at this thursday 10th december 2015. It's the Christmas Party. A few days before each people in the company got to choose one song for the party. I've chosen "Real" by Years and Years. I was very much into Years & Years at this time. I got the chance to see them live for free during the album release party in July, then they played Brixton in October and I won tickets to see them live at Koko at the beginning of December. So yeah, I was still in the mood for some good Years and Years. I was hooked on "Real", I was picturing myself on the dancefloor having the time of my life.

We were allowed a +1 for the party, but only if it was your significant other. I joked around with Heloise and I asked her to come with me as my girlfriend for the night. Heloise was a early twenty-something year old girl living in France. I was in my late twenties at the time. I met her in the summer on a role play forum. It's a forum on internet where people can create their character. We make the characters interact with others. All actions are in writing. Usually one  post is a few paragraphs long, with descriptions and dialogues. One topic has more than one post in them. Like a chapter of a book, but written by more than one person, with more than one point of view. On Skype it's easier, there is no introduction to write about the life of your character, you do whatever you want. And role playing on Skype we were doing that a lot. Texts were shorter, so I could role play basically everywhere on my phone. I role played at work. I role played while I was out busy with people. It's easy to find 1 minute to write a short reply. We were role playing all the time. And it was always with my character Aaron.

With Heloise, we spoke on the chat box and we hit right off. We were often saying the same thing at the same time. Same way of thinking. The coincidences of us saying the same thing at the same time were very scary because it happened way too much. I never had that with anyone. We kept on talking on the chat box (amongst other people) and it kept happening. We added each others on skype. We started roleplaying together and that is the beginning of us. We quickly started to call each other "Soul Sisters". We didn't stop talking and roleplaying for months.

So I asked her if she wanted to be my +1 for the party. Keep in mind that I asked her that on the day. I was in London, she was in France. There was no way this could have happened but it was fun to pretend. I even told my friends in our group chat. I quote :

"I asked a girl friend if she wanted to be lesbian with me tonight. She said yes. But she's in France. So it's not happening. I'm sad."

I sent her a screenshot of me saying that to my friends. And she got a bit jealous because a friend asked me if I could go with Remi to the party. Heloise wanted to know if Remi and I were a thing. No. He was just a good friend unemployed at the time, so he could have used the good time at the party, but it was too late to add a +1.

From this point Heloise and I played the game of the girlfriends for the whole night via our conversation on skype. It was full of innuendos and we liked it very much. Way too much.

One other thing to know is, she was in a relationship for years. I don't remember the exact number, but she's been fiancée for years with a guy. So it was of course all a joke.

Of course it was.

Well, not for long.

The xmas party was taking place at the Hunterian Museum. Pretty cool place with lots of organs in jars, even embryos and loads of skeletons in display. The only thing is, in the venue there wasn't any cell phone reception. I was pretty addicted to my phone at the time (ok I'm still is, but it's getting better). I was skyping with Heloise all the time. Remember, we even were role playing via Skype. We were role playing way too much. Our main ship was between Aaron, my character, and hers.

For me Aaron is the reflection of what I think is a very good guy. He is a first responder born in Brazil. Ever since I do role playing I always have at least one character from latine america. I just love this continent and the language. I am pretty obsessed yeah. Anyway Aaron had a terrible childhood and has issues but he made his way up and has a good life. He thinks he isn't good enough to be loved or to love anyone because he never experienced it really. He is gay and kind of a slut. He loves music and dancing. Perfection to my eyes. I created him a long time ago, around 2007. It was on a Harry Potter forum at the time. He was a 18 year old slytherin who doesn't care about school. He is a character I've played on numerous scenario and numerous of forums. I kinda think of Aaron like someone that really was part of my life. I've been playing this character for such a long time. I will love him forever. I stopped playing Aaron after what happened to me. Now I'm playing characters that have less issues and on forums that are not dark. Where I was playing with Heloise is a forum with lots of bad guys and people with questionable activities and set of mind. I don't want that anymore. I want light. I want happy. Positivity. Some drama is good too. But in a good atmosphere.

During my psychotic episode songs were talking to me and it made sense that I chose "Real" by Years and Years because it was the beginning of me being real. Of me being Aaron.

On my way to the xmas party I was skyping her from my phone.

"I'm in a black cab with my manager and 2 co-workers INCLUDING THE HOT BRAZILIAN GUY. He came very close to me on the lift, on purpose. I didn't mind, he is perfect."
"He is also kind of gay."
"He might be bi. He had a boyfriend that's all I know."

I have a thing for gay guys. I'm way too attracted to them. I'm feeling them very much. And it happened that at the party I was sitting at a table with lots of gay people. I couldn't help but notifying her before the beginning of the dinner.

"I'm surrounded by gays at my table. Perfect."
"You're in your element. The only thing missing is me LOL."
"FUCK YES. Some came with their boyfriends."
"You would have been gay amongst the gays."
"Would have been beautiful. OKAY I LEAVE MY PHONE AWAY. If I come back here it's because I'm bored or that I miss you too much. Your choice. /OUT"
"Stop hitting on me. Wait. You're my girlfriend tonight. /OUT."

At the time I considered myself as heteroromantic, asexual or more like demi-sexual. It wasn't long before that, maybe one year, that I discovered the term asexuality and what it means. It got to me very quickly, seeing myself in all posts I was reading about it on tumblr. It felt good to finally find the label that was right for me. It changed my life. I even got a tattoo with the colours of asexuality. Spoiler alert, now in 2019, I consider myself pansexual (got a tattoo also since then) and non binary. I came a long way. I'll talk more about it later on.

I didn't get back to Heloise until the end of the party. She wasn't asleep yet. I was in an uber and the driver was a guy. She got all jealous about him, it was funny how she was still playing the girlfriend.

Her : "Ok but seriously, I missed you tonight. AND ILL FOREVER BE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN ANOTHER LIFE. You're my soulsis I'm incomplete without you."
"Oh stop it! You way too cute."
"Good night. I love you."

That was the first time she said it for real.