High on love

A Christmas Carol

Saturday 12th December 2015

It was 10am when she finally got online. She just woke up. I started by asking her what she had planned today. If she had important things, I wouldn't have send her the message. I didn't want to ruin her day if she had big things going on. I knew it would change something. That it would be very emotional for her, because I was very proud of my message. I thought it was so beautiful. I had time to reread it during the rest of the night. I would love someone to send me that kind of message. I wanted her to write me something similar. The good thing is all she had planned was cooking and role playing. So I didn't wait long and I sent her the message. I was nervous. Of course. But I was good at the same time. It took her a few minutes to read it all and then she finally said:

« Relax. The feelings are mutuals. »

I was so happy ! I couldn't believe it. I had the feeling it was mutual because of all our conversations but I still had a doubt. Now there was no place for it. I wasn't crazy. I saw the signs. It was all real. She felt the same about me. I was so happy with myself that I didn't wait and told her straight what I had in my heart. We didn't waste time turning around each others with innuendos for any more days. Now it was the real deal.

And we started talking on skype for the whole day. We decrypted our previous conversations with all the things we said and what we meant really by them. There was a lot of unsaid things before but now we were without any filter, and it felt good. Of course the topic of her fiancé came along. It was bugging me but what we had her and me was so strong I was sure we'll get over this. That everything will end up fine for me. We talked about love. We talked about sex. These were the main topics. We kept saying that we loved each others. That it was so strong I didn't have the words to describe it. 

At some point my brother facetimed me. I didn't want to talk with him. All I wanted was to keep going in my bubble of love with Heloise. He was in New Zealand at the time so it was pretty late for him when he called. I told him I met a girl and I was in love. He was the first to get the big news. I was so happy I couldn't help telling people I had a girlfriend.

Then I had to go because I was seeing a play in the evening with Johanna, a friend of mine from France. She was living in London at this time. We met on internet on a forum about the book Twilight back in 2008. Then she became a real good friend.

I decided I'll get some coffee before the play so I won't be too tired. I also decided to go to Leicester Square by bus so I could have reception for the whole journey and keep talking with Heloise over Skype on my phone.

Conversation got back about the day before. Friday 11th December. When she said the sentence that would change everything.

« You know I had so many things planned for that day ! I was supposed to see Hands Like Houses playing but they cancelled the show so I was free. Then came along the raclette party, and I said yes. But then monday this week I saw that there was a charity gig with Deaf Havana and You Me At Six. I was so gutted I couldn't go because I had plans. Nathalie, another french friend (yes french are everywhere in London), insisted quite a lot for me to cancel the raclette party but I said no. We had enough hard time to find a date that suited everyone. I'm sure if I had something else planned we wouldn't have gotten that conversation. So I'm quite happy I missed the gig! »

And missing Deaf Havana and You Me At Six was big. I love these bands, specially Deaf Havana.

I told Heloise today was the 12/12, it was a very important day. We already had plans to tattoo ourself with 12 in roman numerals: XII. One for each. 12/12. Later during my episode I referred to this day as « A day to remember ».

I met Johanna at Leicester Square and I was so happy about what was going on with my life, I couldn't help but telling her all about Heloise. I still had this pressure in my chest. It felt so weird. Never had that before. Heloise told me it was like that for her too when she fell in love so I wasn't too scared about it. It was just normal, because I was in love. Although it was a very strange feeling. I didn't want to eat at all, but I forced myself to. We found a place to eat and I ordered a bit of food, but most importantly, a coffee. The only topic was Heloise and me. I even made her read the big message I sent Heloise.

« Better than a fanfiction, right? »

I was quite proud of that message.

For dessert I didn't want anything but Johanna ordered a Tiramisu and not only it was my favourite dessert, but it was Heloise too. We had a private joke about Tiramsus. It was a sign I needed to eat some. For me there was no coincidences in life. I even have a tattoo saying so on my sleeve. Therefore I told the waitress to give us two spoons because of course I'll have some of this Tiramisu.

The play was « A Christmas Carol » with Jim Broadbent. He plays Horace Slughorn in the Harry Potter movies. That was the main reason we wanted to see the play, so we could see him. We got in our seats and before it started I noticed on the stage that there was a drawing of a hand with a flower. I have the exact same design tattooed on my sleeve. No coincidences. I'll remember the play for sure just because of that tiny detail. Also there was a constellation illustrated with its name written. « Cassiopeia ». I loved it because there is a Deaf Havana song called Cassiopeia and it's one of my fav. Later this song will become so important.

« No phone. No texting during the show! »

« Don't worry I won't. »

And I didn't. Because yes, it wouldn't have been really nice to my friend to come to a play with her and not paying attention at all. I'm a good friend. I waited until the end of the show. We said goodbye because I was really tired and wanted to go home. Johanna went on the stage door to see if she could get a hold of Jim.

Outside I walked by the stage door alley and I decided to go have a look. There was a few people there. I met Johanna again, we were waiting for the actors to come out. I texted Heloise.

« It's over but we're at the stage door to see if we can get a pic with Jim.
The weather is so good. It feels good outside. It's not raining. It's beautiful.
Gurl, I'm like a zombie. I walk so slowly. I feel like I'm high. »

I didn't stay much with Johanna at the stage door. I decided it was the right and most reasonable thing to go home to have some sleep. Of course, the first thing I did when I got home, is to skype Heloise. She was still online. I told her about my evening.

« I didn't know how to talk in english anymore ! At the interval I went to get the program and I said 'Do you have the book?' THE BOOK! I'm laughing so much right now haha! »

I wanted to go to bed but she needed me. She talked with her fiancé during the evening and basically they decided that she had a free pass if she wanted to sleep with someone she thinks she has feelings for. It wasn't new to her. They got this conversation before in their life together and looks like today was the day for her to use this free pass. We did a webcam conversation so we can decide when we'll see each others, and where. It took a while but we managed. Would be on the 28th of December in France. Except this day I spent it in London. In a psychiatric hospital.