High on love

Golden Playlist

Monday 14th December 2015

It was past midnight when I got home. She still wasn't replying to me. I imagined that she was too emotional because of the message I sent her. I was still feeling like I was high. Totally high. It's been like this since the gig and it felt good. Never felt like this before.

I really wanted her to reply to me so I sent her a text rather than a skype message and it woke her up. She went online and we talked. She was in a bad mood. At first she was saying it's because I woke her up, but after she told me she got into a fight with some other role playing friends we had, in a group chat. I didn't read this conversation, I had all eyes for her. No time to read what the other were saying. I insisted for her to read my message because it would put her in a good mood, or so I thought. It got worst once she read it. We talked about all the contradictions we said. Because there was some. Specially regarding her fiance. She was still quite lost about this whole situation. I tried to make her feel better.

« You know how I imagine us? »
« How? »
« I imagine the both of us in a relationship, but not together. Us, we are above it all. I picture myself with a good looking guy with his nose pierced, like Joey. And you with your fiance. And then us. Just us. »

That was the perfect plan to my eyes. I didn't realise it looked more like a friendship than a relationship. Anyway she was fine with this vision. We liked it.

It was around 2am in France when she log off. I kept on talking on my own in her Skype window. I was on my phone, in my bed.

« I wanted to say to you that since today, or maybe yesterday? I don't know, anyway today when I got outside, I felt calm, at peace with life. Like I could hug everyone in the streets if I really wanted to. But at the same time I felt paranoid. I was paranoid usually but it was way worst. When I was crossing the road I was telling myself 'Mandy be careful. Everything that is happening is way too beautiful. It's hiding something. You don't want to die tonight and put an end to this.' I feel like if I go to sleep, I won't wake up. Or more like I'm already dead and this is heaven. I'm letting go. I'm really scared something will happen to me, or to somebody that I love. »

This feeling went on and on during the episode. Got worst in the next 24 hours. I kept on talking in her skype window for the whole night. I went on my instagram and looked up the photos and quotes lyrics I've put. It was all making sens that it was for her.

« 10th october 2015, it was the last Blitz Kids gig. I cried earlier when I realised that. Last gig because they broke up. »

I don't cry easily though. I didn't cry at the gig although I knew it was the last one.

« I try not to think about some songs that are very important to my heart. And I'm sure if I listen to them now, they would all speak about you. »

It was 4am at this moment. I took my bluetooth speaker and it was the start of a long night.

« Seems like I won't sleep. So I'm gonna listen to them. Starting with 'Anemophobia' by Deaf Havana. I think that if I had to choose just one song in the whole world, it would be this one. »

And I even tweeted James (the singer) to let him know.

« Thank you so fucking much @jamesveckgilodi for writing Anemophobia. Best song of all the songs in the whole world. (If I had to choose)

. @jamesveckgilodi fortunately enough, I don't have to choose :) there are way too many music in the world to keep only one. #lasttweet »

And then I kept going with my favourite songs. I change to 'Fame > Demise' by Woe is me but strangly engouh I didn't comment while I was listening to it.