High on love

The Message

I can't sleep because a girl I like a lot said she's attracted to me. It's 3.30am. I've been in bed for the past 2 hours. I can't manage to sleep.

It would be a lie to say that it didn't affect me although I was very much shaken. I'm scared to tell you all this because you said it. I don't have to worry. You won't jump on me. Except I would like it.

I'm scared to tell you all this because I clearly don't want to lose you.

I'm telling myself I'm gonna let the things go their way and I'll see how we act in the days to come, but I know inside of me that I'm gonna end sending this message on your skype window soon enough.

I'm scared to tell you all this because you're not single. It's been years. You are fiancée. It helps for me to stop imagining stuff that could happen between us. Although I know I want more.

I was very sad this afternoon when you told me internet people could stop talking from one day to another in the blink of an eye. It's true. I know. But I don't want it to happen for us.

I really want to send you this, but I'm so fucking scared that it'll change the way we are. I don't want you out of my life. At least not yet.

I was very surprised this afternoon when you said you can't count on anyone in your life. I would have thought your fiancé would be a good support for you.

I've reread our conversations of the past few days and it's like I was discovering them. Or at least, another side of them.

I confess that ever since you told me you used to be dating girls before your boyfriend, it clicked in my head.

I confess that I loved that day where we pretended to be together as a couple.

I confess that my body was shaking after you told me you were attracted to me.

I confess that I've thanked my friend for being late as usual. Otherwise we wouldn't have gotten that talk. Or at least not that day.

I really don't understand why I can't manage to sleep, although I know that the things are very clear in my head. I'm not looking for anything more than just a very good friendship. It's crystal clear.

So why am I writing all this at 3.40am ?

I don't really know.

You said this afternoon, I don't remember what it was about, but you were wondering why you were with that guy. This kind of little detail echoes loudly in my head.

I talked about you to my friend tonight. I got lucky. We don't see each others that often but it's her I talked to you about this afternoon. The part where I needed someone in my life just once in 8 years. I'm not gonna go further, you have a good memory. This time where I needed someone it was in June 2014. I was at a doctor appointment for a planned visit and I ended up at the hospital. In the ER. I was on my own. My family is in France and I didn't want to worry them until I knew what I had exactly. I was a mess. I was so scared. I gave her a call and she came to the hospital when I was going there in an ambulance.

I don't really know why I'm telling you all this, maybe you'll never read these words. But I know this isn't true because all I want is to send you this when you'll be online.

Seeing the state I am in, and the time on the clock moving forward, I'm afraid I'm gonna stay up all night.

I'm scared that it was just you messing around but for me, it went straight to my heart.

Scared that you'll tell me that if I'm touched this way it's because it's the first time it happened to me. A little bit like Aaron who falls in love with people who are in love with him.