Eight Boys and a Walker girl

42 | Played

42 | Played

One of the emotions that was buzzing around my head rises to the surface is anger.

"Ok. Right. Let me get this straight." My voice, when it comes out, is hard and cold and hurt and trembling all at the same time. I don't know how I can even begin to express everything that I'm feeling right now. "You were involved in a car accident, and weren't found. You were a Missing Person for two months. We all cried for you, we grieved for you, and time after time we were told there was no hope- that you must have died.

I lost all my friends to you. Lauren stopped speaking to me after she didn't know how to treat me now my brother was dead. Zoe sided with her, and Elena barely spoke a word to me since everything happened. She- she blamed me. I don't think you can ever get that, jamie. My best friend and practically sister blamed me for the death of my own brother. I lost the most important people to me- but I never once said even to myself that it was your fault. How could it be your fault? You were dead. I cried for you every night. I got freaking anxiety. I got panic attacks so often, I thought I was going to freaking die.

My mental health got so bad that I was afraid to let myself kiss the first boy that I actually started to like. And ever since the accident- I never, ever let myself recount the story of what happened that night to anyone. I bottled it up because it hurt too much, because then I'd have to acknowledge that you- you weren't here anymore. Do you know what all this has done to me? Do you know what I've been through these past months? Whilst you- you've been alive and- and...and hiding from us!"

I angrily wipe my eyes, determined not to break down. I can't take back these past two months, which have possibly been the most difficult months of my life, and all that has happened to me during them...all the damage. But I can do one thing. I can walk away, and not look my brother in the face that I've been longing to see for weeks.

I get to my feet, pushing the chair back, avoiding Jamie's eye. I stand and turn towards the door- I don't even care that my brother is injured and might die. I can't stay another moment in that room with him.

"Ev- wait-"

I ignore him, biting down hard on my lip to prevent myself from bursting into tears. I stride across the room and grab the handle, yanking it downwards.

"Evvie...please stay."

I hesitate. My brother's voice is small and helpless, which isn't something I'm used to hearing from him. I turn to face him, and he meets my eyes directly. The look inside them isn't angry or passionate. He looks scared. He looks like a little boy.

I can't do it.

"I didn't know what else to do. I- I'm sorry-"

A tear slips down his cheek. That's what does it for me. Inside my chest, I can feel my heart splintering. I cross the room and sit down by his bedside, hands folded in my lap, watching my older brother cry like a scared child. My arms long to reach out and hold him, but I can't let myself do that. I can't forget what he's done. Not yet.

"Jamie- why?" My voice breaks a little as I whisper, and I hate myself for it. I don't like sounding weak. I don't like sounding beaten.

"I'm sorry. Evvie, I know that nomatter how many times I apologise, I can't expect you to forgive me, but believe me when I say I'm really sorry. But I just didn't know what to do- I freaked out, I needed to get away. I don't know how long I thought I could stay away- I guess I wasn't thinking straight. I found oblivion in alcohol, and oblivion was what I needed- I didn't want to feel. Whenever I let emotion in, I thought of you, and Mum, and- and Elena. I couldn't think about her, Evvie. I sound heartless, and I guess I am. But you have no idea how scared I was- I am- about facing what I did to her. I-"