Eight Boys and a Walker girl

39 | My fault

39 | My fault

"And did he?"

It's only when Julian lets go of my hand that I realised he was holding it at all. Now he's let his fingers slip out of it, my clasp feels suddenly empty. Cold.

"Did he know what he was going to do?" Julian whispers, his eyes boring into mine.

I shake my head. "I have no idea."

I look away, down into my lap. It's been on my mind ever since It Happened, tormenting me constantly- what if Jamie did it on purpose? What if he just...didn't want to live anymore? What if it had been my fault?

I still don't know, obviously. I was dragged away from him as soon as he woke up before we could exchange more than thirty words.

Julian is still looking at me when I raise my gaze again. I swallow, my eyes burning. I managed to keep the tears in the whole time I was telling the story of the day it happened, but I know I can't hold them in much longer. Julian seems to be able to read my thoughts- he reaches out, takes hold of my hand again. Squeezes my fingers. Every time, since it happened, when someone tried to comfort me, tell me it would be okay, even if he died, I'd see Jamie again someday- I only felt furious. I knew that no one could possibly feel the way I felt. That I felt to blame- that I knew I wouldn't be hearing my brother laugh again, and it would be my fault.

But I know Julian knows. He understands. He feels the same, about his sister. He told me his whole story- now it's time for me to tell the rest of mine.

"What happened next?" Julian asks, rubbing circles over my knuckles with his thumbs. It feels comforting and warm, safe.

I take a deep breath. "After that...I just kind of forgot about the weird moment where Jamie went all sappy on me. It just seemed like something irrelevant, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I thought he was just going through some moody phase. The rest of the evening passed normally- we talked, played games, ate, went on our phones, that kind of thing. Then around seven-thirty, the sky started darkening, and Jamie said he'd take us home-"

I have to pause, gather myself. I sit still for a few seconds, eyes low, knowing that if I move or speak, I'll burst out crying. "We got in the car...and it started to rain. It wasn't meant to rain until the next day, but it did. Jamie just laughed, saying the weather was moody like me. He was like that- is like that. Always making jokes, being happy.

We were driving along the cliffside road, the one that goes right along side the edge of the cliffs. It was raining really hard, and Elena was freaking out, worrying that Jamie couldn't see where he was going, but I just thought she was being dramatic. Then- then we saw the lights from another car-"

I give up. I can't hold it in anymore. I let the tears spill down my cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away.

"The road was so narrow- Jamie tried to swerve to the side to avoid a collision with the other car, but the road was so wet and- I guess the wheels skidded. The car would have fallen over the cliff-edge, if there hadn't been a tree sticking out of the rocks. It held the car up, but we were upside down, and there was smashed glass everywhere, and I kept calling out to jamie and Elena to see if they were ok...and Elena called back...and Jamie- didn't-"

Julain reaches out for me before I crumple, holding me to his chest. I feel so stupid and weak, but I just let myself cry, soaking the material of his shirt. He doesn't seem to care. He holds me close, rubbing my back. He doesn't say anything, because he knows nothing he can say will help. He doesn't need to say anything- him just being there is enough.

"He wasn't there...when we were pulled out from under the car by the police. The people in the car we'd crashed into called the police and ambulance, and they pulled us out, took us to the hospital. Elena was in a state of shock- she couldnt move, she was white and trembling. I was crying, crying for my brother, but they couldn't find him. They said he just have fallen out of the car, over the cliff edge. They sent a search team to look for him- but for nearly two months...they found nothing.

Elena wanted to go look for him. She begged the police, she begged me to run with her, to find him- but I said no. We were in no fit state- but that wasn't the reason I didn't want to search for him. It was because I remembered mine and Jamie's conversation from that afternoon. And somehow- I felt- I felt that if he was alive, and hidden somewhere, he'd come out when he wanted to- when he was ready to. It doesn't make sense when I say it- but it made sense to me. I guess my mind was all addled from the shock- but Elenas blamed me ever since. And- and I blamed me. It was my fault- if I'd said yes to going out and searching for him, they could have found him sooner, we could've found him, he'd be ok-"

"Ev, listen to me-" Julian speaks for the first time since I described the crash, and suddenly I find that he's holding my face, stroking my tears away from my cheeks with his thumbs. "Evvie, it wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."

I stare at him, feeling suddenly angry. "Did you not hear what I just said? It was my fault! I didn't go out to find him! If I had agreed with Elena and gone off, he could be okay! He wouldn't be in hospital, half-dead and on life support!"

I pull away from him, dropping my face into my hands, sobbing fully, finally letting myself cry properly for the first time since it happened. Two months of pent-up emotion pours out of me, and I can't stop myself. I barely notice when Julain envelops me in his arms, I only notice the pressure of his muscles against my skin, his warmth, and I feel safe. His fingers find my hair, and then my chin, bringing my face to his. We're so close, I can see all the individual colours in his eyes, and his hands cupping my face are trembling. I see the tears rolling down his own cheeks, his sadness with mine, and when he brings his mouth to mine, I barely know when I end and he starts. We're entangled, his hands holding my face, my fingers in his hair, our tears mingling, and I can taste the salt on my lips, from his tears and mine. I can't tell. Our sadness is one, and for the first time since it happened, I find myself beginning to believe what Julian keeps whispering to me, over and over again, in between frantic kisses that taste of salt and warmth.

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault."

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I apologise eternally for my really long hiatus from writing, but I was blocked out of my google account and couldnt acces my story on google docs. I still dont have it, so i just opened a new google account and wrote this chapter in it, and when I get my old account back, I can just copy this chapter into it. if my writing seems a bit choppy and weird, it's because I can never write on foreign keyboards- it just puts off my whole writing. I'm writing on a czech keyboard because that's where I am right now, and it is actually so hard. So I probably won't be updating too much.

Thanks for reading, please vote and comment if you enjoyed the chapter! I apologise again for how generally shitty it is. When it reaches ten votes I'll (try) to write the next chapter for you guys. I can feel the book coming to an end :) (and I know I keep saying that lol)

Big love, Dellie xxx