All I Want // H.S. // A.U.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

"I'm so fucking sick of crying!" I yell out in frustration, my thick voice cracking as even more tears fall from my eyes.

Sadie had bought out a full package of tissues for me and there was now a small pile of used ones crinkled up on her coffee table. "I know, babe."

She has spent the last hour listening to me explain the nights events, everything from my fight with my mother to me pleading for Harry to be with me. I sounded pathetic but Sadie never judged. She had met me at my most self-loathing and pathetic when I was still with Spencer, so this was nothing.

"God, why does this suck so much? I mean why did this have to happen at all. I wish I had never met him, at this point."

"No you don't." She says simply but assuredly.

I look at her but don't answer, because I know she's right. No matter how much pain I'm in currently I would never wish to have never known Harry. He was too important to me. I don't really know what to say to her right now. I've finished my story and she hadn't given any real input, just silently taking in my words as I rant.

I sigh, "Well, are you going to give me any advice, oh wise one."

She cracks a smile for the first time tonight, "Honestly, I don't really have any. I think this whole thing is fucked up and I think it's pretty damn obvious that he has feelings for you." I scoff, "Stop trying to convince yourself that he isn't completely in love with you."

"He's not in love with me." I say in a monotone voice.

Her eyebrows raise, "Yes he is. You're blind to the way he looks at you. How his attention is always solely on you. He'll drop everything in the blink of an eye if you need him."

I shake my head in refusal, "If he loved me then wouldn't I be enough?" I close my eyes at the way my voice cracks and try and reign in the tears threatening to pour out.

"You are good enough." Sadie scoots closer to me on her couch and wraps her arm around my shoulders. "Stop trying to tell yourself that this is your fault. I'm proud of you giving Harry that ultimatum. You don't deserve to be led on or tossed about like you have been, whether intentional or not. He needs to realize that you can't always be on his time."

I nod as I take in her words, "Yeah, I guess. This just sucks, you know? Harry's the first person I've ever met that makes me feel like I could be loved..."

"Madison, you are loved."

"I know, I just mean... like that..."

"God, I wish you could see yourself like we all do. I wish I had met you before you started dating fucking Spencer, so he couldn't completely fuck up your confidence. I wish Harry wasn't being such a twat." Sadie says making me crack a smile.

"I really wish I had met you before he fucked me up." I sigh and rest my head against the back cushion of her couch and stare at the ceiling.

Sadie copies my position and says, "I really wish you would stop giving him the power to fuck you up."

I don't answer her.

For the next thirty minutes we are silent as I mull over what happened tonight and Sadie's words. She was completely right. I give Spencer and my mother and father and my old friends all this power over me without even realizing it. I've been living in this fantasy land the past two years thinking I had overcome all of that, but in reality I had never had to test it. I cut my friends and Spencer out of my life, but my mother was still front and center in my pain. My father had gotten worse and no one was willing to help him.

It wasn't until Harry had come into my life and tempted me in a way I had never felt before did I realize that I hadn't dealt with my issues, only suppressed them. He has helped me though. I don't think I ever could've fought Spencer the way I had without him being there for me. He would probably still be on my case, or maybe that night could've gone a horrific way. I shudder just thinking about it.