Oak Ridge

tuesday. july 16

It's bedtime for the Dogwood guys. Both groups had a rough go of challenges today, the girls beating us by a mile. All I really want to do right now is go to sleep. I'm over this day, and I'm over trying to come up with something to say for this damn Focus Project.

It's exhausting.

As I'm pulling my blanket back to get into bed, Blake comes trudging out of the bathroom. Instead of going to his own bunk he throws himself onto mine.

"Well hello there, pal," I greet. "What brings you here?"

"Fucking Focus Project stupid speech thing," he says.

Great.

"What about it?" I ask. "Move your fat head so I can sit down."

He scoots over a bit so I can crawl in this tiny ass bed. With my giraffe self in here, the space is cramped, even if Blake is a stick bug.

"Do I really wanna talk about my crack whore of a mother?" He blurts.

"You told Prince you would." I remind him.

"Yeah, I know, but it's gonna suck. I mean I hate even thinking about her now, I can't imagine talking about her. I don't wanna relive that part of my life."

"Gee I wonder what that feels like," I mumble.

"What do you— oh shit!" Blake sits up so fast he smacks his head on the bunk. "I am so sorry, man, I totally forgot about that. Are you even okay?"

"Yes, Blake, I'm just so excited to remind myself of the worst day of my life." My eyes burn now thinking about it. I can still see the boots stomping into my room. The sound of the gunshots still haunts my dreams. "But I promised Princeton."

"You know, I gripe about my life so much," Blake says. "I complain about my childhood and I forget that you had to go through all of that. I mean, I have a sorry excuse for a mother but at least I have one."

"Well obviously mine wasn't that great either."

"But you know she loved you."

"I guess."

"Sometimes I get to thinking," Blake starts. "What if I have kids one day? What kind of life am I gonna give them? I know for sure I'm not gonna be some deadbeat dad. I don't want anyone to have my childhood, especially not my own kids."

"I was thinking about that the other night with Mary Anne. Like what kind of family am I gonna have? How are we gonna work through problems? Things could've ended so different if my parents would've just talked about their issues." My voice breaks a little as I get choked up. "That's why I got so upset when Mary Anne wouldn't talk to me about what was going on with her."

"That's something you gotta take with you, man. When you and Mary Anne have your own little family you've gotta remember that. I'm not saying that you or her would ever do anything like your parents did, but," he trails off.

I wouldn't want to think about it either.

"You know I have nightmares about it, right? They've gotten worse."

"What?" His eyes drill into mine.

"Instead of me just watching under the bed, I'm the one with the gun, and it's always one of y'all dead on the floor."

"Are you serious? Me and you're brain are gonna fight I swear to God," Blake sighs. "Have you told anyone else?"

"No."

"Not even Mary Anne?"

How could I tell that girl I have nightmares about me standing over her dead body?

"I can't do that, man, it'll scare her," I say. "It scares me. I'm terrified that I'll end up like my dad. I don't wanna hurt her."

"Myles." Blake puts a hand on my shoulder. "I've considered you a brother for a long time. I know you. You are one of the kindest people I've ever met. You have never treated anyone with anything other than love. You're dad sounds like the closest thing to evil I can imagine and I'm glad I'll never meet him. You cannot continue to be afraid of him."

I nod, wiping away the few tears that have managed to escape.

"I want you to answer something for me," Blake says. "Do you want a future with Mary Anne?"

"Yes."

"Then you cannot let your past get in the way of that. What your dad did is something I know you're not capable of. If you love her and you want to be with her, then you do whatever it takes. Promise me you'll talk to her or at least someone. Try, please, not just for me, but for her."

I don't say anything, but I'm sure he knows that I'll do anything I can to protect not only myself but the girl I love. Blake reaches over and pulls me into a hug.

And not just some lame ass bro hug.

After a while we pull back and Blake goes back to his bed. I wipe my eyes and look around, hoping none of the other guys saw any of that. Unfortunately my eyes meet about twenty other pairs.

"I'm here for you bro," Marcus calls from his bunk.

A round of 'me too's echoes through the cabin and I notice a change in these guys for the first time this summer. I've been so wrapped up in other things that I guess I forgot what I really came here for. These boys really have grown up since they got here. They've shown leadership, initiative, sportsmanship, and maturity.

I couldn't be more proud to be their leader.

That's just one more reason why I need to get this burden off my shoulders.