Begin Again (a Matty Healy and Jessica Sula fanfic)

4. Thoughts

*Matty's Perspective*

Thoughts. My head is consumed with them. Thoughts of her. When my uncle told me to hand out the class syllabuses , syllabi? To the late students I was hesitant. I wanted my involvement in class to be limited to behind the scenes only. Picking the songs to learn and techniques that I think are best suitable, but you always get the opposite of what you want from my uncle so I smiled and did what I was told. When I walked in I noticed two girls that had not been in the class when I first walked in. I would have noticed them for sure. The girl that was sitting in the front row was tan with dark brown hair draping over her shoulder. Her bright red coated lips in a smirk as she looked up at the girl introducing herself. Her back was to me so I wasn't aware of anything particularly special about her. She was quite short with two French braids down her back. I walked over and handed the red lipstick girl a syllabus and walked to the desk next to hers and reached out to swiftly place another syllabus into French braid girl's desk. She turned around so fast that she completely ran into me. I stepped backward to give her a little room but was mesmerized by her warm innocent brown eyes. I immediately looked down her body at the all black shit that adorned it. She was small but not too small, she still had curves in all the right places. Before I knew I found myself saying "No, it's totally fine. I was just putting a syllabus on your desk, you didn't hurt me." I chuckled to myself because I don't even remember her saying anything. Before I walked away I looked at her face again to memorize the expression that was there. Her full sexy lips were closed and her eyes were far away, she was here but she wasn't really here. She had completely piqued my interest and I wanted to know this girl. I knew just the prospect of finding out her name would bring me excitement. I sat at my uncles desk for the remainder of the class with my eyes and thoughts on French braids.

I hadn't felt any excitement about a girl like this since I lost Karly. It's been one year and I still remember her death like it was yesterday. The needle in her arm that caused the overdose. I haven't done heroine since. Karly was not only the love of my life, she was my wake up call. From then on I got my life on track. I'll admit I still drink and party with the best of them, but I know my limits and I don't surpass them. Music helped me get through the grief and guilt I was feeling after karly's death. My friends and I have a band called the 1975 and that helped me get through most of my aggression and pain. That and burning.

French braids was dozing and her head hit the desk halfway into the class. My uncle sure knew how to bore the hell out of people. I focused all my attention on French braids willing her head to pop up and find me staring.

After class ended red lipstick girl stood up and began to wake French braids. After they exchanged some words, I was left alone with the sleeping beauty. All of a sudden I heard a sobbing noise coming from French braids, I walked over to her to wake her when I noticed her knapsack was turned upside down and the contents were spilling out of it. I lifted them up and shoved a notebook and a few pencils back into it and then something black caught my eye. A flask lay on the floor where her knapsack was just a few moments ago. Interesting, this girl needs a little liquid courage? I twist the top off and take a sniff. I was surprised to find that it was just water. Who carries around water in an empty flask? I stand up and shove it into my back pocket. I hear another sob escape through her lips and before I know it I'm shaking her gently awake. She mumbles something and begins to wipe tears from her cheeks.

"Are you okay? Sorry I had to wake you because there's a class coming in and you were crying a lot over here..." I don't know why I made up that lie, but as soon as it left my mouth I regretted it. My uncle only taught one class on Mondays and no one ever used this classroom.

"I'm sorry, I'll get out right now. I was just so fucking tired." She looks down as she says this and I began to notice how awkward she is.

"No I completely understand, Mr. Beckley makes me want to blow my brains out." My uncle on more than one occasion has put me to sleep so I don't feel one bit guilty at my response. She bends down and does something with her boot and walks towards the door.

"Don't forget this." I grab her knapsack before she can leave and hold it out to her.

"Thanks I'm just fucking useless today." She smiles and it doesn't reach her eyes instead there's just sadness there. She reaches her hand out to grab the knapsack and I pull it back remembering the flask I have in my back pocket.

"Um could I have my backpack back? This is me asking nicely." I can tell by the look on her face that she is losing patience with me. It's totally a turn on. I immediately grab the flask out of my back pocket in excitement over what her next reaction will be like.

"Is this yours? It fell out of your knapsack and I was going to take a swig until I found out it was just water." I held it out to her and she instantly grabbed the flask and the knapsack out of my hand.

She gave me a murderous glare and asked "Did you fucking go through my things while I was sleeping?" Her voice came out quiet and shaky and for a moment I felt guilty for messing with her.

"No now calm down, no need to get bloody angry." I nervously slid my hands over my hair. Hopefully she doesn't get too upset with me.

I was still curious about something so I sat down at the desk and put my feet up debating over whether or not to ask while she stood there glaring at me with her eyebrow cocked.

"Why is there just water in the flask?"

"It doesn't matter. I have to go and you have a class remember?" She turns away from me and stomps off out of the door. The slam of the door echoes through the empty class and I mentally curse at myself for not getting her name. I jog out the door and and down the hall to reach her. "Wait!" I shout, I'm not as in shape as I used to be thanks to my smoking habits. When I reach her I extend my hand. "I'm Matty. I didn't get your name."

She hesitantly takes my hand replying "I'm Sloan." And just as fast as she shook my hand she drops it.

"I lied about the class. There isn't one, I just wanted to get rid of you because of your noises." Fuck. There goes my mouth again. I nervously lean against the wall crossing my arms on my chest, while looking intently at her face.

She rolls her eyes then replies "Well I'm trying to leave now and you won't let me." I could tell from her tone that I'm annoying her but something inside me wants to get close to her. I move towards her and lean down so we're face to face. I could see her face is free of makeup and she's so beautiful. So I tell her.

"You're quite beautiful Sloan." I want to get closer without physically touching her, so I whisper in her ear, "Can I have your number?"

All of a sudden I hear a laugh fall into my ear and I cringe.

"No." And she steps around me and walks swiftly out the door.

I felt guilty and rejected. It washed over me and consumed me. Sloan! Her name is Sloan. She is the first girl I've shown interest in since I lost Karly. I feel guilty because it's my fault Karly is gone and here I am trying to move on when I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy. She lost her life and I'm still here. I'm reminded of this everyday. Sloan was a reach and I knew it the moment I saw her. I won't make that same mistake again. I'm not meant to move on.

I get to my apartment and go straight to the kitchen. I fill a pot with hot water and put it on the stove to boil. My heart and head hurt from all the thoughts of Karly this day has brought me. I only know one way to stop them, to control them.

After the water is scolding hot I take the pot to the bathroom with me. I sit it on the floor next to the tub and I take my pants off and sit in my tub. I reach for the pot and take a breath as I pour the hot scolding water over my legs. I exhale the breath I've been holding in my lungs as the last drops of water hit my thighs. My legs are red and burning as I let a tear escape my eye. Then I turn on my side and lay down in the tub as the sun sets outside my window.

*Well damn! This chapter was a long one! It took me a while! Anywaysssss Poor Matty!

Vote, like or comment? Any advice would be extremely welcome!! SHOUTOUT TO The1975aregreat Thank you for adding my story to your reading list I truly appreciate it!! xx*