Begin Again (a Matty Healy and Jessica Sula fanfic)

9. Questions

I reached for the shot glass as my heart pounded in my ears. I know I was two months sober and that I worked so hard to keep myself clean but I needed something to take my mind off of being drugged and touched by a stranger. I shuddered at the thought of what could have happened and brought the glass to my lips. The clear liquid was warm going down my throat but the familiar burn brought memories I hadn't thought about in months. And soon I began to feel that comfortable warm sensation in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you last night Sloan." I could hear the pity and sadness in his words which made my skin crawl. I didn't need him to feel sorry for me.

"Don't be sorry, it was my own fault for being so naive. But I am grateful to you for helping me." As I poured myself a second shot I could feel his eyes staring daggers into me. I smiled at him and drank the shot.

"It's not your fault. That guy was crazy. He took advantage of you and you should never ever blame yourself. I tried to get a hold of George to find Mica but he didn't answer."
Suddenly I remembered that Mica was probably looking for me right now because I haven't seen her since last night.
"Where's my phone?" I ask while pouring my third shot.
He looks from me to the glass and chuckles.
"It's right here in my pocket." He pulls out my phone and slides it across the floor to me.
When I glance down I see a few missed calls and a couple texts from Mica.
I hurriedly text her where I am and that I'll call her later. She replies with a heart emoji and I sit my phone down on the floor.

I'm on my fifth shot when Matty grabs my shot glass and slides it away from me.
"You might want to slow down, it's only mid day." He looks at me with this grin on his face like he's holding back a chuckle.
"I don't need you to tell me anything." I could feel the annoyance seeping through my voice. I was getting a little bit tired of Matty.

"I think I'm gonna head home now." I could hear my words slurring together and I mentally screamed at myself for not holding it together. I stood up from the floor and immediately felt the room spinning. I backed into the wall and laid my head back as I breathed in and out. When I opened my eyes Matty was standing in front of me, staring down into my eyes.

"No more vodka for you, and you can't get home by yourself. You're completely wasted." He reaches down to pull a strand of my hair behind my ear. My heart quickens at his touch but all I can think is I've broken my sobriety.

After the realization hit me my sight became blurry and I realized my face was wet with tears.
Matty placed his hands on both sides of my face and he looked at me with a sadness in his eyes.
"What's wrong Sloane? Talk to me." I could see the genuine worry on his face. But I couldn't tell him, I couldn't let him into my fucked up world. So I shoved his hands off my face and I let myself slide back to the floor and cry.
And I sat like that and cried for what felt like a whole hour. And he sat next to me silently and let me cry. He turned to me and silently wiped the tears from both sides of my face and pulled me in for a hug. My head rested on his chest and I breathed his scent in. Stale cigarettes and laundry detergent erupted into my nostrils. And I let my eyes close while he held me right there in the hallway on the floor.

I woke up to the smell of coffee and cigarettes burning my nostrils and a headache that made me feel as if my head was about to explode.
"Good evening sleepyhead." I look up to see Matty standing at the foot of his bed.

"How did I get in this bed and how long have I been asleep?" I sit up in bed and immediately I feel nauseous and I want to just crawl in a hole and cry.

"I carried you and it's 6 in the evening." He says this with a crooked grin on his face.
"I'm going to leave you with some coffee okay?" He gets up to walk out the door and I say in the smallest voice from under the covers,
"Stay, please."
Matty turns around and smiles at me. In that moment I regret ever asking him to stay and I immediately say,
"Never mind, just go."
"Sloane I'm staying." Before I can protest he's climbing across the bed and pulling the covers back. I bury myself deeper in the covers and he pulls the covers up over his torso.

I sit back in bed and lean my back up against the headboard.

"Why are you being so nice to me? You barely know me."

I watched him as his lips parted, closed and then opened again, "I think you're really beautiful and you needed help. I help all my friends." He looks right back at me and smiles.

I breathe in deeply and my mind begins to race. "Oh so we're friends now?" I say as I reach up to redo the bun in my hair. I let my long curly hair fall over my shoulders as untangle the elastic band that once tamed it.

Matty reaches over and takes the elastic band from my hands and puts it on his wrist. "You don't need this at all. Your hair is fucking amazing."

I smile and instead of getting annoyed at the compliment I grant him appreciation. "Thanks, I just hate to have it in my face ya know?" I slide back down in bed so that I'm completely under the covers, side by side with Matty. I watch his profile as he stares at the ceiling. His face is really beautiful and I can see he is in deep thought as he squints hard at the ceiling.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask Matty.

"Not a lot. Just sometimes when I have a quiet moment I tend to think about my music and pretty girls." He flashes a smile at me.

I cringe and reply. "That's really cheesy. Be more original next time ok?" I rise to get out of bed and I feel nauseous as I stand up. I grab my hair in my hands to push it back from my face as i bend down to rest my hands on my knees.

Matty sits up in bed immediately. "Are you okay? Are you going to puke?"

I sit down on the floor with my back to the bed and reply, "I almost did." I can feel all the vodka I drank twisting in my stomach. "I'll be fine."

He crawls towards the edge of the bed and starts running his fingers through my hair. "your hair is really soft." He then starts to tuck the hair behind my ears and massage my scalp. I rest my head back against the bed as he begins to rub the pads of his fingers against the sides of my forehead.

"When I was a little girl my mom would do this for me." Before I could stop the words from leaving my mouth, I could hear my voice hitch as the word "mom" came tumbling out. That was the first time I've ever mentioned my mom since the accident. I could feel my heart racing and my eyes filling with tears. I tried to shut my eyes to stop the tears from pouring but a tear slipped just before I could catch it.

"Hey hey what's wrong Sloane?" Matty climbed down from the bed and I could see him wince as he dropped down next to me.

I momentarily forgot his question and asked "Why are you wincing? Whats wrong with you?" I wiped my nose on my arm and tucked my bare legs under my butt.

"Nothing I'm just out of shape. Now Sloane tell me why you're crying." He grabs my chin, forcing me to stare into his eyes.

I jerk my face out of his hands. "Don't grab my face like that Matty. Ever." I could feel myself getting callous. I just wasn't in the mood to relive any of the accident. Even mentioning the accident would be too much.

Before I get up to leave he grabs my face again. And again I'm looking into his eyes. I jerk my face away again. "Stop."

"No Sloan I won't stop. Tell me what's going on with you so I can help."

I turn my head away in frustration and bite my lip. "You can't help me Matty now move on."

He grabs my face again and this time I'm crying and yelling "Stop grabbing me Matty!" My frustration in building more and more and i just want to hit him. I jerk my face away and grab his face.

"Do you like having your face grabbed Matty huh?" I start to slap his face as I yell. He grabs my hands and restrains me. I twist my hands from his and start slapping him again and I begin to cry again. I don't know why I'm crying but it feels good when I slap Matty. He grabs my hands again and he looks at me. There's a look in his eyes as he stares at me.

"You look like a beautiful mess." I snort and begin to cry and laugh as he leans in closer to me. And before i know it his lips are on mine as tears spill down out of my eyes onto his cheeks.

***hey guys! So so sorry for the super duper late update! Like super!! But I hope you like the chapter and sorry if it gets a little boring in some parts! Comment, like, follow, vote? Thanks xx