I Was Never Loved! (Taekook)

Chapter 23

Taehyung's thoughts were uneven. It was like a flood of everything - sadness, emptiness, worthlessness, loneliness, anger, frustration, disgust, fear, resentment. It wasn't like Jungkook didn't help him feel good. Actually he tried everything that could make Taehyung feel good. But everything was momentary.

Taehyung felt sad and empty knowing about his condition. He still didn't know why he was suffering and what was his fault, where he went wrong. His condition made him feel barren, hollow and insignificant. Some days he felt disgusted on not being normal. He blamed himself for not being normal and not leading a normal life like others.

Some days he felt anger. Anger seeping into his skin. Angered by everything around him and everything happening to him. He was angered by himself for not controlling his mind which was wandering into four different directions. He felt irritated for not being organized mentally, for not channelizing his thoughts. He struggled and struggled to stay sane but his mind kept slipping away from his consciousness like sand slips away from the tight grip.

Sometimes he felt like this isn't true and everyone was plotting against him. He felt like Seoul was never meant for him and people never wanted to accept him from the very beginning henceforth labelling him mentally Ill. It was like the world was against him and Jungkook was one of them. He felt guilty for even thinking in such a terrible way because Jungkook only supported him right from the beginning. Jungkook was the only one who cried along with him, held him close. Jungkook didn't let him go even when he was lacking. He was at every step of his dreadful life in Seoul, but was Taehyung worth it?

He started to feel not worthy of Jungkook's love, of his care for him. He was being buried in guilt for not letting Jungkook go. He felt guilty for hanging Jungkook along with him. How greedy a person could be, Taehyung thought. Greedy for care, for love, for a partner, for happiness. Was it too much to ask? Didn't he deserve to be happy? Was he being very greedy?

He felt Jungkook was stuck with him unnecessarily. Taehyung's problems were not his concern, he wasn't to be blame either. He just met Taehyung months ago and now he had to carry over the burden of Taehyung's problems. Jungkook didn't deserve it. Jungkook has his future ahead, he cannot be stuck with a flawed person. He thought he has to leave Jungkook for better.

So Taehyung started to distance himself from Jungkook. Whenever Jungkook came over to sit beside him, Taehyung left the place excusing himself. He would successfully ignore the hurt flashing on Jungkook's face. Taehyung spent most of his time in his room much to Jungkook's fear. He would speak less and remain numb most of the time.
Jungkook could only see blank stares at the wall as if life was leaving Taehyung's body slowly.

Taehyung only turned cold as days passed by. Cold to Jungkook's care and efforts to make Taehyung interact. The fear that Taehyung might shut down to him was becoming reality and he couldn't do much. It was not only Taehyung struggling with himself but Jungkook was struggling along with him, only if Taehyung could see it. Jungkook witnessed with his own eyes how Taehyung was going far away from him -
What's more hurting than seeing your beloved going far away from you and you being helpless? No calls, no screams no pleas could make Taehyung stay. Stay with Jungkook, stay with his love.

Taehyung wouldn't stay at the same place as Jungkook. He would leave before Jungkook could even utter a word. Taehyung wouldn't eat much even when Jungkook spent hours at the kitchen to cook for him. Jungkook would store it in refrigerator hoping Taehyung would come out and have something even when he was starved himself. Taehyung would come out at midnight and have something for his lethargic body which would hurt Jungkook even more because Taehyung didn't want any interaction with him. He could see him distancing himself.

It was hurting. Hurting them both, but Taehyung didn't pity Jungkook.

Jungkook spent nights crying alone in the room, feeling helpless. He just wanted to hold Taehyung once. Once again. He wanted to feel him once again, love him like he deserved, once again.

-x-x-x-x-x-

" I'll be back by evening. He won't come out from his room so don't worry. Just take care of him, okay . I'll leave." Jungkook was leaving for Taehyung's hometown to meet his parents as he planned. Jungkook thought it would be better to have one-on-one interaction with them to know about Taehyung, not like Taehyung left any other option.
Apparently Taehyung wouldn't give his phone to anyone and Jungkook didn't want to delve on the reason. It was better that way.

He called Jimin to look after Taehyung. Jungkook knew it was risky but Jin assured him that it was necessary and one day or the other he had to meet Jimin. Their meet will help Taehyung to accept the reality if he still didn't believe it. Also Jungkook knew Taehyung wouldn't come out at the day time, so he left for Daegu.

"Yes. I'll look out for him. Stay safe." Jimin wasn't afraid of their encounter. Actually, he wanted it to happen for Taehyung to accept reality and it's because he knew that schizophrenics have hard time accepting reality. Jungkook left for Daegu, hoping it would prove to be helpful for him, for Taehyung, for their situation.

As Jungkook said, Taehyung didn't come out of his room. For once Jimin was afraid that something happened to Taehyung as no noises were heard from the other side. But as Jimin peeked in the room, he saw Taehyung sleeping on the bed curled up. Taehyung's tired face squished on the pillow, chest heaving on the rhythm of his breath signaled Jimin that nothing's wrong. So he let's him sleep.

Taehyung woke up soon after. He waited for Jungkook to knock and ask him for lunch or anything like he always used to do even when Taehyung hardly responded. He kept on staring at the door for hours, hoping he would knock soon but it never happened.

Look what you've done Taehyung. You distanced your only hope to live. You hurt your love, are you satisfied now? You wanted this Right?! You wanted Jungkook to stay away from you and look what happened. What did you get by doing this? You are hurting more. You are hurting him more. Why are you crying now? Stop it . Be happy that you succeeded. Be happy that you are ruining everything. That's what you could do the best right. You deserve it. You deserve to be alone. Die alone. Jungkook is too pure for you. An angel can't stay with a demon for long. Be happy that he stayed for this long. Be happy that  he loved you.