The Fifteenth Year

January: Part 6

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Dear Friend,

Got done with my homework early and started watching The Notebook with some chocolate chip cookies in the den (where it happened, so yeah, big mistake watching the most romantic movie in the world in here). And it occurs to me: the whole perfect moment notion is bull crap. I feel like a fool. I should've told Jason the truth way before he ever had a chance to kiss me. Then neither of us would feel this awful, right? Maybe there is no perfect moment for anyone in life. You just need to take action, because life is never the thing you'd expect. It's sloppy, it's distorted and confusing, and you walk around land mines just trying to find your way. Life is not romantic like this. Nobody can have a love quite like  Noah and Allie, can they? Fate doesn't fall into place like that, does it? Although, they do have to give the relationship a lot of work. They kind of had to work for their perfect moments. Noah took action by building her a freaking house. Allie took action when she went looking for him. Then he pursued her for God knows how long in that nursing home trying to jog her memory of him. Am I crazy? Is romance stemmed from work...and not from feelings? Are perfect places, perfect moments, perfect time just...not important?

Friday, January 14, 2005

Dear Friend,

I'm having my good, old trusty friend Chloe over tonight. It's going to be nice relaxing with her. Maybe she can brighten my day with her funny, cheerful aura. She needs her eyebrows waxed again. I sound mean, but she's so funny to watch squirm when she goes through pain to get to beauty. That squeal she makes when me and my friends mess with her comfort zone for beauty will make me feel a little better.

In other news, I'm still getting A's on my papers. Hopefully this is a sign of me healing and growing up. Even though I'm unhappy, I'm not letting my grades slip. I'd like to believe I'm not one of those over-the-moon super dramatic teenagers that fall apart at the slightest bit of angst and do reckless and stupid things. My grades will get me better places, just like Harriet says. If my grades will get me out of Cali, and into college and away from this sucky feeling I'm having, then I'm all for it. Bring on the diploma, Lakota.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Dear Friend,

"Chloe, how could you?!" I demanded hastily. "We can't be here!"

I looked all around me. Chloe had brought her bike over. She said she wanted to go for a ride around town on them. Didn't sound like a terrible idea, so I followed her lead on my bike. I had stopped in my tracks and sighed.

"We're at the football stadium," I stated, frustrated.

"Yeah," Chloe said. "Come on."

"Why?" I asked, wearily.

She parked her bike and walked over to me. She tugged my arm and led me to the fence. Our view was blocked from the people in the bleachers in front of us. )We were behind the back of the bleachers). It was a home game. I could make out the field with our school colors and a visiting team playing the Lakota Lions.

"You know... Jason is likely starting tonight..." Chloe began.

I looked at her and immediately shook my head. "No. No way." Then I walked off.

"Cassie - "

I turned around and threw my hands up in the air, exasperated. "I'm not going to do this. I know what you're up to, and it's not going to work. This isn't how it's supposed to be, Chloe. He made that clear. And how would this be romantic, anyway? There are easily a hundred people here eating corn dogs and watching passes, downs, cheerleaders, and...victory dances!"

"Cassie, please? The game's over in like, three minutes. Just pull him aside and tell him the truth. He needs to know why you're avoiding hi; what this is all about for you."

"Are you crazy? I can't do that!"

"What other options do you have?"

"None."

Then Chloe...sweet, naïve, and ridiculous Chloe developed some balls and literally gave me a shove. "You have to."

I was shocked. I felt so betrayed.

I swallowed a lump. "No. No, Chloe, not you too."

I'd expect this kind of trap from Renee. Tessa, even. Never Chloe.

"Your friends are right, Cassie. You need to get out of your comfort zone. You get no answers if you don't."

Tears stung my eyes. "Chloe, no! Would you stop? I thought you were my friend!"

"I am! And I want you to be happy. He makes you happy. Fix it with him."

I bit my lip. "But I said some things..."

"We all say things. You think he deserves better, and I think he deserves you. Let's see who's right."

"He doesn't want me."

She sighed. "Remember when I said I watched a lot of rom-coms? Most of these couples don't hold a candle to you and Jason... All the signs are there. He turned you down, yes. He never said it was because he didn't feel the same way about you. He didn't want to hurt you. Or risk anything. That speaks volumes. Find out if he loves you. It's pretty clear to me that God blessed you with him."

Was she right? Could Jason feel the exact same way I do after all? I refused to believe it. I couldn't be hurt twice like that, let alone in the same month.

"I'm not going to waltz over there after having not seen him play a game all season by the way, look like an idiot in front of a whole crowd, and profess, 'Hey, not sure if you won just now or not, but hey, I've liked you for seven years.'"

The clock blared wildly as the game ended and multiple cheers ran out as the Lakota marching band played our anthem.

"Well, there ya go. Sounds like we won," Chloe said cheerfully.

"Perfect," I murmured. "Let's go, I'm out of here."

"But - but wait!" she chased after me. "What if you change your mind and it's too late?"

"That's not your call, Chloe."

"I can't believe you." She bravely continued, "You get so many chances and then you toss them away like a moldy loaf of bread. Don't do this. Don't settle for being the moldy loaf of bread."

A laugh escaped me. I couldn't help it. "You know, Chloe...for being only fifteen, you're one of the most headstrong and courageous people I know."

She smiled. "I have faith. You should too. Tessa, Renee, and I? We're all here for you."

I hugged her and whispered, "Thanks."

People began piling out of the stands. I fidgeted uncomfortably. I started to walk back to my bike.

"Cassie, turn around," Chloe said.

"Not now, Chloe, okay?" I pleaded, looking at her. "I want to go home."

That's when I froze. I saw a familiar face coming from the field. Jason was already fresh from a shower and with Nathan and Chris. I had to get out of there. Then Jason's eyes narrowed after she looked in my direction. 

"Cassie?" he asked.

Impulsively, I grabbed Chloe's hand and started to run. "Let's get out of here."

She didn't object, so we climbed onto our bikes and pedaled off last night. Now I can't help thinking about what a jerk I am. Chloe has been such a kind friend to me, and I'm not being one back. I'm pulling her around and arguing with her. So now I'm a jerk and a loser...just like Lydia said. I'll never have my shot with Jason. He's trying to salvage the friendship and that's all. He believes our kiss to be a mistake. One of the worst parts in all this is knowing he gave someone like Lydia a chance before truly getting to know her and he knows me quite well and won't take a chance on me. I'm not sure what he's looking for, but whatever makes him happy, I hope he finds it.