The Fifteenth Year

September: Part 1

Desire and desperation are the twin engines that will propel you to a new place.   - Ruth Haley Barton

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Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Dear Friend,

No sign of Jason and I'm almost positive I won't see him tomorrow because of his football practice. Who cares anyway? He probably hates me.

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Dear Friend,

Nothing to say today. Period. I'll write tomorrow.

Friday, September 3, 2004

Dear Friend,

Well, this is it. The first day of school. I got a teacher named Miss Burgess and she seems really nice. In class, she made us go around saying each other other's names and something about ourselves. Our high school is a prestigious school in California where each teacher is qualified to teach each subject - so we have one classroom and one teacher. We do get bells, a study hall, and break between subjects though. I have Renee in my class, and a nice girl named Harriet Stanley (who has really pretty hair). Chloe and Tessa are in the class next to mine. Anyway, when the teacher asked me to stand up, I cleared my throat and said, "My name is Cassie Wallace, and one thing about me is I repel the opposite sex."

Some people laughed, and others looked at me funny (Miss Burgess included). I sat down and buried my face in my arms and sat quietly the whole rest of the day. Can you believe I actually said that? I felt bad I did, and I guess that was an awful way to start out the school year. I better fix that.

Saturday, September 4, 2004

Dear Friend,

On Monday I'm going to apologize to Miss Burgess about yesterday (even though I stand by what I said). Jason has got to be the most clueless boy on this earth. I was hoping most of this awkward teen angst would say goodbye at fifteen, but it hasn't. It is not over. Why can't things be a little easier? I really wish Jason would figure out where I stand. Obviously my anger got the best of me and now it's all ruined. Ugh. Lydia is the biggest jerk ever and Jason makes me mad with how stupid he's being. Right now, I'm beginning to think the two really do deserve each other.

Sunday, September 5, 2004

Dear Friend,

Maybe I didn't mean all those things I wrote yesterday, but I was so upset! I still am, but I'm not giving up. He's worth it to me. He really is. What are the odds he'll marry Lydia anyway? Eventually, I'll get my chance to tell him how I really feel.

Monday, September 6, 2004

Dear Friend,

My family and I all went out to dinner and got Baskin Robbins afterwards. We would've gone to see a movie, but it's a school night. It feels weird to finally say those words. I hate those words.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Dear Friend,

Tonight I sat at home and watched The Princess Diaries. Someone likes Mia, but she likes someone popular and then they start going out. But they break up and Mia comes running to that guy. Too bad it's not like that with me. Is Lydia right? Do I need flare to catch Jason's attention? I doubt it. He knows the real me, but he still likes her. This stinks.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Dear Friend,

Before school, I saw Jason go get the paper. No one was in sight (probably everyone was still asleep). But do you think I told him anything? No. This was not romantic. It was an outing for The Lakota Times!

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Dear Friend,

Jason is still giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn't been all stubborn and mean about it; he just tried not to get into a conversation with me. I decided that I had to get this behind us.

"Jason," I had begun as we took a walk around the neighborhood (which I begged him to do), "I'm really sorry about two weeks ago."

"What was the deal with that, Koala? I mean, you were out of control. What was making you so upset?"

I hate that he brought 'koala' into it. And where's the part where he forgives me?

"I don't know," I finally said, omitting the truth.

"You don't know?"

"You wouldn't understand."

I started to walk away, but then I heard, "But I want to."

I chuckled mirthlessly. "No, you don't. Forget it. It doesn't matter."

"Yeah, it does. Why won't you tell me?"

"It's fine, okay? You don't get it," I said, twirling around to shrug at him.

"I thought we were friends. You don't tell me anything anymore."

"Listen," I said firmly. "Jason, you haven't been a friend to me for months. Last year, you disappeared. You made all these friends, adopted high school life, and brushed me aside with the rest of your childhood. You don't get to suddenly care now. You don't even know what's going on with me. And I'm supposed to, what, roll over and make you victim?"

"Is that what this is about? You think I left you out to dry?"

"All you care about is her," I muttered.

"Okay, that is not true. Where do you get off saying that?"

"It's very difficult for me to apologize right now, so please forgive me. That way maybe we can stay out of each other's way for a while."

Friday, September 10, 2004

Dear Friend,

We went our separate ways. I don't know when I'll see him again. I only know three things about the situation. Jason's upset with me and hurt (the feeling is mutual), Lydia's a really big jerk, and Jason is beginning to find out the truth without me telling him. I'm running out of time.

Miss Burgess said that we're going to need to crack down for a serious math test coming up. We're learning algebra, and it's making my head hurt. Chloe's a brain at this stuff so I'm going to ask her if she'll help me prep for the exam. The students all took notes because next Friday is the test. Time to study!

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Dear Friend,

Leaving school yesterday, I saw Jason carrying Lydia's books for her and they were laughing together. It hurt to see that.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Dear Friend, 

Jason still won't talk to me like he used to. It's not like we're enemies and I get why he's guarded. We'll speak in brief, but in formalities. Nothing funny, serious, or important. It's so painfully fake and forced. We're almost like strangers. At one point he said we'd have to take our friendship step by step till we're back how we used to be. How we used to be? Now do you know how long this will take?

I don't know what to do. Jason wanted to know the truth. Or did he? What would he have said if I told him? It's too nerve-wracking to think about. I might as well be invisible to him. I might as well go searching for another guy. Next week, maybe? Wonder if this will work. It has to. I can't be hung up on a guy that doesn't like me romantically.